My Sick Mind

1:20pm and it's still snowing. The local news said we have 18 inches so far. If it keeps up until 5:00pm like they say it will, we should be close to two feet. Sunday will be Shoveling Day around here. I'm curious to see if there was mail delivered today, but it would take me a half hour to walk out to the mailbox and back, and I don't think it would be worth the trip.

The sounds of tires on wet roads and those strange white flakes falling from the sky can mean only one thing: The Storm has Arrived. For those of us in the path of Satan's wrath, it will be a long weekend of shoveling, drinking and watching football. Two out of three ain't bad. If the lines at the local liquor emporium tonight were any indication, I'd say that half the population of the area will be doing some drunken snow shoveling on Saturday afternoon. Certainly 100 percent of the population of this house anyway. The news tomorrow morning will be filled with on-site reporters telling us how bad the conditions are and how we are supposed to "stay inside unless you absolutely have to be out" as though we routinely wander aimlessly when the weather is nice. Then will follow the promotional ads telling us how [insert news and weather source] told us that the storm would be as bad as it is. Somehow, they forget to tell us that they all get their informati...

An open letter to The Home Depot and Lowe's: It snows during the winter. Even though I live in a condominium, I occasionally have the need for a snow shovel. If we get more than four or six inches I have to dig my car out of the parking space. Otherwise, I just brush it off and roll out. The shovel I have is best suited for loading gravel onto a lorry, but in a time of need it can do quite nicely as a snow shovel, since it barely knows the difference between gravel and snow. I wound up with it because the last time we had a significant snowfall I went to The Home Depot the night before the snow only to find that you were fresh out. On Friday night we are expecting more. In the vicinity of one to two feet depending on your source. Either way, it's way too much to brush off with a broom, so once again I ventured to both of your huge warehouse stores in search of an adequate snow shovel, and once again, I was told you were sold out. "We got a palate of them in yesterday an...

I'm not sure what is wrong with me. Something though, that's for sure. Tonight at the grocery store, I bought a razor that runs on batteries. Some kind of 5-blade contraption called Gillette Fusion POWER Gamer, (I don't know what Gamer means) as though my regular razor isn't powerful enough. Maybe I should have saved the money and I could just shake my hand violently while I shave? "Soothing micropulses with incredible comfort" it says, "You'll barely feel the blades." That's good, because if it's one thing I don't want to feel it's blades. It promises "Gillette's Closest, Most Comfortable Shave" [in capital letters]. That's great, and I suppose it's 20 percent better than those stupid 4-blade shavers. There's a button on it that you push to make it vibrate, and judging from the shape of it, I'd say it has other uses. Marketing, boys. I got a replacement credit card in the mail yesterday. I kno...

For those of you who enjoyed the Grammy Awards this year, congratulations. I haven't watched the show since 1973. As Glen Macnow would say, "It's a sham of a fraud." What happened in 1973? Roberta Flack's version of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" (written in 1957 and appeared on Flack's "First Take" album in 1969) won both Record of the Year and Song of the Year at the 15th annual awards show. What song did it beat out? A little something called "American Pie" by Don McLean. That's right. Since then, I haven't had time for an awards show that doesn't seem interested in awarding the best music. I can hold a grudge like Khomeini. I still remember McLean singing "Vincent" at the awards show with the look of a guy who just got punched in the stomach. I'm sure he had a nice acceptance speech written. I figured that if it was really deserving of a Best Song award, it would have won either in 1957 or ...

I heard on the radio today that the median price for a ticket to next Sunday's Super Bowl (a.k.a. The Big Game) on Stubhub is $3500. Median price. If you paid attention in math class you know what median means. Taking a look at the listings shows me that the median is a bit skewed by some outrageous prices. The lowest price is $1,536 for upper level end zone and there are luxury suites priced between $69,000 and $308,000. For that kind of money the seat should come with a blow job. The caveat in the $308,000 is that the suite will "accommodate up to 40 people" so let's split that up amongst our buddies. It doesn't look as bad when you figure all you'd have to do is chip-in $7,700 each to see the game. I don't know 40 people, let alone 40 who have that kind of scratch to see a football game that they'll probably wind up watching on the TV in the luxury suite. You'll also notice that the ads that are running for the Super Bowl call it "The...

For times that pass my life I’ll search for the sky that she wanders by. "Somewhere" - Chris Cornell (Soundgarden) Do you ever look around, as I do, at couples and wonder, "How did that happen?" when you see a particularly worthless individual with a worthful one? I always saw it as marketing. One individual convincing another that their goods and services were worth more than another's, like those TV ads that ask stupid questions: "But wait, there's more! We'll also include a bonus gift at no extra charge! Now what would you pay?" "It's a thirty dollar value, yours for only eighteen-ninety five - plus twelve dollars shipping and handling." And they fall for it. I suppose it's similar to the old cartoon of the kid with a lemonade stand. His price for a glass of lemonade is fifty dollars. A potential customer queries the kid about his price, and the kid replies, "Well, I only have to sell one ." If you sell yourse...

Sometimes I don't understand the things you Earthlings do. For instance: The crew of the space shuttle Atlantis will donate a coin that traveled into space for use in the official coin toss at Super Bowl XLIV. The crew finished an 11-day trip in November that included three spacewalks and installation of two platforms to the International Space Station. Along with the coin, Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys jerseys and a football inscribed with the names of all Hall of Fame members were on the shuttle flight. All the items will be presented to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, tomorrow. They took a coin, a football and two jerseys up in the Shuttle for the sole purpose of flying them around the Earth a few hundred times, bring them back and enshrine them with the idea that something special happened. Pardon me if I don't understand the significance of putting inanimate objects into space and pretending they did something special. How is the coin any different t...

For some reason this was a news story today: Kelly Kulick left all the guys in the gutter yesterday when she became the first woman to win a PBA Tour title, beating Chris Barnes in the final of the 45th Tournament of Champions in Las Vegas. Kulick outscored Barnes , 265-195, to take home the $40,000 first prize and a two-year PBA Tour exemption. The 32-year-old righthander from Union, N.J., earned a berth in the Tournament of Champions by winning the PBA Women's World Championship last September. The previous best finish by a woman in a PBA Tour event was a second by Liz Johnson of Cheektowaga, N.Y., in the 2005 Banquet Open. Bowling is one of those games that I never understood why it is sexually segregated. There is no strength or weight advantage in bowling. Men and women can compete on an equal basis because all you need to do is throw the ball accurately. What keeps men and women from competing on the same bowling tour? Why is there a PGA and a WPGA? Maybe the men are a...

Tiger Woods is in sex rehab. He's in some sort of facility that is supposed to "cure" him of his alleged addiction to sex. It's interesting on many levels, not the least of which is that one can say he is addicted to sex and get a pass on all that junk he did in the name of medical science or psychiatry. We gleefully sell drugs to give men a longer lasting erection to the point that we put the ads on when kids are watching TV, then have the nerve to call sex an addiction. The other thing that is interesting about Tiger's stint in the joint is that while he is in there he is to be celibate. No activity of any kind, with himself or others, while he is undergoing his treatment. I find it fascinating that we choose to treat one extreme condition with another. How does that teach moderation? I wonder what the recidivist rate is at this place? He is supposed to emerge a new man, free of all his womanizing ways. I suppose he'll come out with some "one day at ...

Sometimes I post something that I think is weak, and I can't wait until the next time I get a coherent thought so I can post something new and put the ugliness behind me. Other times, I post something that I figure I could die the next day and have it be the last thing I say and be happy with it. Such was the case Monday . Now, I find myself in the unenviable position of having to post something equally as interesting today. It ain't gonna happen. I got a Tweet from Paula Creamer . I know, big deal, but with 3,800 followers, to pick me out to thank "for being such a great fan" was pretty cool to read. She's so awesome, it's hard to explain. Big Daddy Graham posted a link to the rant I did about music a few days ago. Also pretty cool. A web site called Shine (from Yahoo) offers tips on " How not to be humiliated when dining alone " as though it is humiliating to be dining alone. Humiliated? Really. We are supposed to be offended somehow when we ar...

Today was Dr . Martin Luther King Day here in the United States. Perhaps the most unobserved observed holiday ever. There was no mail delivery, schools were closed and most banks were closed. Otherwise, most of us worked all day, which is pretty much the same as when it snows. As some of you remember, the holiday as it was originally proposed drew some harsh criticism from folks in those southern states where Dr. King was roundly criticised during his activism and still to this day is the subject of some hatred. Time wounds all heels. Some of us are old enough to remember signs that said "Negroes may buy here" and "Whites only" drinking fountains. What is lost on the youth of today (and some legislators) is that the country was a much different place a scant 40 years ago - some 2 scores in Lincoln's language. The interesting part of the Doctor King holiday is that some people are worked up over the fact that a man of color (Barack Obama) has been elected pre...

Recently, a friend asked me why I haven't written much about music. I'm always good for a rant, and music usually provides a spark. Lately however, the spark has fizzled. Why? Take a look at the artists who have the "Top Albums in the Region" as listed by the Inquirer today: Ke$ha, (yes, she spells her name with a dollar sign) Susan Boyle, Alicia Keys, Mary J. Blige, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Alvin & the Chipmonks soundtrack (what year is this?), Black Eyed Peas, Rihanna and Justin Bleber. It reads like a list of TV contestants and gimmicky singers with more looks than talent. It seems like the industry is built around TV shows, and if you aren't a winner on American Idol or some other such program, you don't have a shot. I miss the days when I could go to a record store and listen to new music. Tower Records used to have a listening bar with headphones where new CDs would play. I loved the store on Broad & Chestnut. I'd always come home with ...

If there was ever a doubt as to the pre - conceived nature of that American Idol program, one need look no further than the latest Internet sensation, General Larry Platt . Somehow (we are supposed to believe) he was allowed through the audition process even though the "rules" prohibit anyone over the age of 28 from being a part of the program. Then he goes and does some ridiculous pantson the ground rant/song and it's the "latest thing." OK, I get it, you're starved for attention, and since William Hung isn't available, you'll make the most of it by promoting an old guy dancing around. That's TV. Gee, how did he ever get through he screeners ? We're so easily entertained. Big earthquake in Haiti. It's all over the news. And as a result, there are hundreds of charitable organizations who are willing to lend a hand, or so we think. Be careful where you throw your money, folks. Remember the Katrina thing in New Orleans and how a lot...

Speaking about the disaster during his program “The 700 Club” on the Christian Broadcasting Network, Pat Robertson said that when Haiti was still a French colony its leaders “swore a pact to the devil” to get out from “under the heel of the French.” “They said, ‘we will serve you if you will get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal,’” Robertson claimed, as was recorded and sent around by the liberal group Media Matters. “But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other,” he continued. “That island of Hispaniola is one island. It is cut down the middle on the one side is Haiti the other is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts. Haiti is in desperate poverty.” First of all, I wasn't aware that "The 700 Club" was still on television. Maybe that's why Robertson saw fit to start flapping his gums over the earthquakes in Haiti? Anything to get your name in the media. I...

The Mall. I used to do a lot of wandering around in malls. Now, not so much. Mostly because I'm not 20 years old and partly because I don't have a lot of money to spend, which is most of what you do at the mall. I went on Tuesday after work because I had a gift card to spend. Of course, we never spend the gift card - we spend more than the gift card, which is why I think stores like selling them so much. They do research on junk like that. The first thing to do at the mall is find something to eat. Our local mall has a nice food court, but it wasn't that long ago that malls didn't have food courts. I think you have to be over 40 years old to remember that. Generally, they had a pretzel place or some kind of fast food joint, but now there is an entire wing of the place devoted to food - including a pretzel place and a fast food joint. I ate at the Chinese place. It's kind of noisy in the food court. That's because there is a new-fangled video music thing c...

My neighbor's hobby is researching her family tree. Last week, she did some research on my father's family, and she came up with a 1920 census report that showed that my grandfather came to America from Italy in 1896. The house they were living in was at 1109 Wolf Street in south Philadelphia. I took a little trip there today. It's the one with the green awning. Imagine 9 children (ages 18, 16, 14, 12, 8, 7, 3, 2 and 8 months - yes, they were Catholic ) and two adults living in that tiny row home. Dad was 8 months old when the census was taken, so this is the house where he lived when he was born. I don't think it looked like this in 1920. It probably looked more like the ones on the left side of the photo. My grandfather (also named Anthony) owned a barbershop, but I don't know where it was. Chances are it isn't a barbershop anymore. Two of dad's sisters were buttonhole makers (Makes buttonholes for shoes: Sets button fly of quarter against gauge of ma...

My alma mater, Widener University recently banned smoking on campus. Today, the Philadelphia Inquirer came out in support with these words , among others: Kudos to Widener University for taking steps to ban smoking on its campuses, both indoors and out. Other area colleges and universities should follow Widener's lead. For that matter, so should other institutions, including all hospitals and government facilities. The move would help promote public health and reduce health-care costs. Inhaling secondhand smoke is estimated to cause 3,000 lung cancer deaths and 46,000 heart disease deaths in the United States each year. Secondhand smoke is also thought to increase the risk of breast cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma. Most researchers say there is no safe level of secondhand smoke. Kudos indeed, but why are we so worked up over secondhand smoke when the real culprit is firsthand smoke? Government has taken steps to eliminate the dangers of secondhand smoke by isolating smokers fro...