My Sick Mind

Today at work, I heard someone use the phrase “I don't want to open a can of worms," assuming that whatever she was about to do would have dire consequences. I’ve used it myself, but when I hear others use it, it makes me think about what would happen if I opened an actual can of worms. I guess they’d just wriggle around and maybe one or two would get out, but I’d guess that most of them would stay inside, squirming amongst themselves. I can think of worse things. The NHL suspended Sean Avery 6 games for using the phrase “sloppy seconds” when describing his last girlfriend. Six games without pay. It isn’t an obscene reference, doesn’t particularly offend large numbers of people and doesn’t inflict physical harm. It’s an odd punishment for a league that allows a player to physically beat another player and receive a punishment of 5 minutes. We’re getting our first wintry blast this weekend. Temperatures are going to be below freezing, and the dreaded snow flurries are in the...

I paid off a credit card yesterday - I know, but it ain't so much - and today this little e-mail announcement came in my in-box. My credit line has been increased. Whoopie-Wo. The more you pay, the more they want. Then, I started thinking about the car companies and how they have their greasy hands out for some of our (it's ours) money. Even Avis has gotten into the act. The more they owe, the more they think we want to give them, as though their former spending habits and bad financial decisions won't return. It's hard to blame them. The government prints the money, and they'd be foolish to think that they couldn't print some more. I think there's a form to fill out, but it's pretty easy nonetheless. Maybe our government will give them money or maybe they won't. I'm thinking that the government is like us - they can't control themselves, so they just finance everything - as though Citibank sent them an e-mail saying, "Hey, you...

Animals are smart. Bears especially. They sleep through the winter when some of us are miserably awake. My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day, and when he isn't sleeping he's either thinking about it or finding a place to do it. A particular goal of mine would be to find an escape route and leave civilization from November to March, thereby escaping what the masses call the "holiday season." It's either a reason or an excuse. When you want something done and it doesn't get done, "the holidays" will be blamed. Afterward, I suppose it's simple neglect or incompetence, but from Thanksgiving to New Year's day, it's the holidays. Television goes into repeats (or as they say now, "encore performances" - but I know what it is), shopping centers are jammed and those of us on the outside looking in are constantly reminded of what we're missing - or told we are missing. It's a miserable time to be alive and I'd sleep through ...

In case you haven't heard , Tim Kring, executive producer of NBC's onetime hit drama "Heroes," got himself in hot water with recent comments about viewers and DVRs. Kring said that DVRs are making it tougher for serialized shows like "Heroes." At a screenwriting conference earlier this month, Kring said of the serialized trend: "It's a very flawed way of telling stories on network television right now, because of the advent of the DVR and online streaming. The engine that drove [serialization] was you had to be in front of the TV [when it aired]. Now you can watch it when you want, where you want, how you want to watch it, and almost all of those ways are superior to watching it on air. So [watching it] on air is related to the saps and dipshits who can't figure out how to watch it in a superior way." I used to like television. Back when it was free and the shows weren't infested with advertising. You might not be old enough to rememb...

Today was one of those wasted days - I have a lot of those - the kind where it's so rainy and cold that all I can think to do is bunker-up at home and watch the television. It makes me glad that I spent some money on a nice TV but sad that I wasted an entire day at home staring at the TV and my cat, who doesn't seem to know the difference. I'm also glad that I don't keep snacks in the house, because I would have sat here all day munching potato chips, and that wouldn't be good. I watched a football game, because that's what Americans do on Sunday. Later, I watched a documentary on the History Channel about Albert Einstein and his struggle to develop and prove his theory of relativity. We were told that, at the time, the theory and it's proof were viewed as historic by people in general, and after it was proved, Albert Einstein became a celebrity and a household name. I wondered when we started talking about smart people as being " Einstein's"...

NEW YORK – A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday when "out-of-control" shoppers desperate for bargains broke down the doors at a 5 a.m. sale. Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers shouted angrily and kept shopping when store officials said they were closing because of the death, police and witnesses said. At least four other people, including a woman who was eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening . But they re-opened - which is the important part. I'm guessing that the shoppers who were kicked out during the death investigation were really pissed. In California, two people were killed in a shooting at a Toys 'R' Us in Palm Desert, according to the Riverside County Fire Department. The shooting occurred about 11:36 a.m. (2:36 p.m. ET), authorities said. Police did not release the victims' ages ...

The newspaper came this morning. Actually, two of them - one regular, one jumbo. The jumbo one was advertising because, well ... tis the season. "Stores open 4am Friday" [asterisk] except where prohibited by law. What a sensible law. I have no idea where that is, but I suppose it's a local thing rather than a statewide law. Probably a nice peaceful community. With stores open before sunrise, the big decision for crazy shoppers will be whether to get up early or just stay up. And I'm sure there will be the inevitable drunks out after closing who waddle into line for something they won't remember they bought or who they bought it for. I'll be curious to hear the whining once the shopping season starts (officially - as if there is a governing body) and the retailers moan about their poor sales because of (here it comes) the economy. I'm not sure we know what the economy is, but we know it's bad. Gasoline prices are down, so you can put some gasoline u...

I love the supermarket. Really. So many things and so many people. Our supermarket sells LCD televisions. Really. I'd love to be there when someone buys one. It must be like seeing a total solar eclipse. I bet the manager comes running out peeing himself, screaming "We sold a TV!" That would be like Best Buy selling cereal. What I get mostly are the ass-end of banal conversations while waiting on line. Tonight was a highlight. The guy in front of me with four totally unrelated items was curiously looking around the crowded store while fumbling for his debit card. HIM: [to the cashier] Why are you so busy tonight? CASHIER: Um ... it's Thanksgiving. HIM: Oh. [obviously he was recently dropped to Earth and just now needed groceries] CASHIER: Gobble gobble! The customer walked away, seemingly enlightened as to the ritual purchasing of food in advance of a holiday. These instances invariably make me shake my head and mutter, "men." ME: [to cashier] Even I kne...

LOS ANGELES – Chris Brown was the big winner, but it was Kanye West's night at the American Music Awards. Instead of his typical tantrum — a trend West started four years ago when he lost the favorite new artist prize — the rapper claimed two trophies Sunday and called on his colleagues to up their game. Sunday night we were treated to another awards show and another excuse for a TV show. They’re called the American Music Awards, but I see that Annie Lennox (from Scotland) won something and Enrique Iglesias (from Spain) won, and Coldplay and Rhianna (from Great Britain) were nominated, so I guess I don’t know what the “American” part is all about. We like to give out awards, and we especially like to give them out to people who have already been amply rewarded with shit-tons of money, which doesn’t explain all the angst over them. After all, why should we care who wins a made-up award? We’ve already awarded them our money. Magazines and web sites are putting out their year-end l...

This coupon was attached to my Sunday paper today. 10% off my adult beverage purchase at one of the local stores. "Not valid on sale items, club wines, closeouts, items ending in $.98 ..." Huh? What kind of condition is that and why does it matter? How about items ending in $.99? My cynical side says that most of the items in the store end in .98. I also enjoy the extra exclamation points (It's worth the trip!!!). I don't see it mentioned in my Style Manual, so I'll assume it means that they are extremely excited.

It's the dreaded holiday season. The time of year when those of us who are displaced in society have to put on the happy face and wish others a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year, even though, as Lennon said in "Help" - I don't Subscribe to your religion. Whatever that religion is. Something tells me the religion is guilt and the guilt plays itself out in the form of how large a pile of junk one can accumulate under a dead tree that somehow translates into the love mom and/or dad feels for their children. It's a sick and twisted society we live in. I gave up on that concept in the mid-70s, once I realized that the silliness of the holiday didn't translate into actual love but artificial love. Love via Visa or MasterCard. It can be an enjoyable season, but it's for kids and couples and I find myself lacking in both, so for me, it's just another day on the calendar. We will hear news stories of how this "holiday shopping season" is the worst e...

Three days. That's a record, I think. But I, like Mister Ed will only speak when I have something to say, so I hope this wait has been worth the effort. Sometimes I think I should be jotting down these little life events because they'd make a nice screenplay - then I realize I am. Waiting in line at the grocery last night, in my usual "15 items or less - cash only" lane for what seemed like hours but was only minutes while a price-check went on, the woman in front of me piled her 15 items or less on the conveyor. When she got to the Holy Grail of the register, the cashier informed her that it was a cash only lane, and the credit card she was planning to use was inert. Somehow, the customer had missed the "Cash Only" part of the "15 items or less" sign. I wondered what she was doing while we were standing around. Today at work, slightly after noon, a co-worker lurked into my cubicle and started on a monologue that roughly resembled something wo...

WASHINGTON – Detroit's Big Three automakers pleaded with a reluctant Congress Tuesday for a $25 billion lifeline to save the once-proud titans of U.S. industry, pointedly warning of a national economic catastrophe should they collapse. Millions of layoffs would follow their demise, they said, as damaging effects rippled across an already-faltering economy. "Our industry ... needs a bridge to span the financial chasm that has opened up before us," General Motors Corp. CEO Rick Wagoner told the Senate Banking Committee. He blamed the industry's predicament not on management failures but on the deepening global financial crisis. Boo-hoo. We need money! Help us, help us! Auntie Em, Uncle Henry! It's a twister, it's a twister! I am here to extend a hail and hearty "Fuck you" to the automakers and their management failures and their childish begging for money lest they take their toys and go home. I say, "Go home, failed dinosaurs." Apparently,...

I think, if you gave athletes a quiz about the rules of their sport, most of them would fail. Yesterday's Eagles/Bengals game ended in a tie, screwing with office pools everywhere . Several Eagles players were quoted as not knowing that the game would end in a tie if neither team scored during the overtime period, in spite of it being called "sudden death overtime." Eagles quarterback Dumbass McNabb didn't know games could end in ties. "I've never been a part of a tie. I never even knew that was in the rule book. It's part of the rules and we have to go with it. I was looking forward to the next opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game." Then, he used that acquired knowledge to further embarrass himself: "I'd hate to see what happens in the Super Bowl or I'd hate to see what happens in the playoffs, to settle with a tie," he said. A kid making minimum wage at a retail store knows more about the company's...

If I'm good at anything, it's complaining about things that will never change. Some would say it's wasted energy. Others would say it's an emotional outlet. Whatever it is, most of the stuff on this blog wouldn't exist if it weren't for complaining about things that will never change. Today's complaint: The structure of professional sports. Why are there divisions? Every pro sport is broken down into divisions. East, West, South, Midwest - whatever. They're in every sport. Presumably, it's to encourage regional rivalries and promote the idea that we like to divide things into regions. It goes back to the good old days, in baseball especially, when the winners of each 8 or 10-team league would go on to the World Series. Now, there are two other rounds of playoffs with the division winners meeting a wild card team, presumably the fourth best team, or the team that finished second in one of the divisions. Why not just lump the National and American...

The new James Bond movie is called "Quantum of Solace." I'd be lying if I told you I knew what that means. Quantum means "a specified quantity" or a "fixed amount of energy." Solace means "an easing of grief" or "something that eases or relieves." So, I guess it means a specified quantity of ease. I'm never going to see it, but it's advertised so much that I'd like to know what I am choosing to ignore. Meanwhile... If you're looking for a nice film to enjoy with your over-17 year-old family, might I suggest one that might have flown under your radar called "Smart People." If you're like me (again, God forbid) and you like films about people instead of things or things flying or exploding, maybe you'd like this. It stars Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Haden Church and a before-"Juno" Ellen Page. It's an interesting character study about people, some of whom are too smar...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Tuesday she was confident that lawmakers would consider "emergency and limited financial assistance" for the auto industry under the $700 billion bailout measure that passed Congress in October. She urged the outgoing Bush administration to support a compromise. "In order to prevent the failure of one or more of the major American automobile manufacturers, Congress and the Bush administration must take immediate action," said Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California . If you bought a brand new Chevrolet Corvette last year, your $47,000 investment is worth about $30,000 today; just by the virtue of driving it around for a year. However, if you spent that same $47,000 on General Motors’ stock last year, your investment is worth about $4,500 today. What’s wrong with a company whose products are worth more than the company making them? Everything. Now, it seems our Federal government is readying a bail-out, based on the idea that we don’t w...

For those of you who have grown weary of my ranting (of which I am one) I'll give you a break from the nonsense today. I was one of the lucky slobs who had Veterans Day off, so rather than waste it in a gym or on the sofa, I took off for a little Photo Safari in Philadelphia. If you click on the photo it should come up in full screen, but I'm never sure how this Blogger thing works. The first stop was the 8th and Market SEPTA station at The Gallery. I'll call these "See-through trains." It's that screwy fisheye lens on a long exposure. I could tell you how to do it, but then I'd have to kill you. The trees are nicely colored in the city, when you can find them. I noticed a strange vehicle driving down Arch Street. It turns out someone was shooting a movie in the city and this 3-vehicle caravan rode up and down the street at least a half dozen times. One of the extras told me it was being shot by Dallywood Films from India. I must admit, in the entir...

We love our holidays. Usually, we love them because we get the day off work or there is some big sale at the local (soon to be bankrupt) store. But you just can't arbitrarily give people the day off or have a sale - can you? You could. You could just say, "It's the first Monday of the month, take the day off." It would be National First Day or something, and Circuit City would have a sale. Hurry. But we don't do that, because we like the symbolism of a dead president or some guy who we are told "discovered" America. Don't get me started on that. We like our religious holidays too, but they're a little different because they usually involve candy, a big rabbit or a fat guy in a suit. Religion. Almost all of them involve a day off from work, unless you have a shit job in the service industry, in which case you work on all the days - even the first of the month one. Most stores and restaurants are open on Christmas and President's Day...

ONE: SYDNEY (Reuters) – Two of Australia's largest bookmakers are refusing to pay out on bets that Barack Obama would win the U.S. presidential election, citing fears he could be assassinated before his inauguration, a report said Saturday. The two bookmakers, Sportsbet and Centrebet, told the Sydney Morning Herald they would not pay out on the bets until the first African-American U.S. president takes office in January. Bullet-proof screens were put up on stage when Obama made his victory speech to jubilant supporters in a Chicago park. Two white supremacist skinheads were arrested in the U.S. state of Tennessee in October over plans shoot Obama, although the plot appeared unsophisticated. TWO: GRAND RAPIDS, Michigan - The scene Saturday was a retailer's dream: Wall-to-wall customers, skyrocketing sales. But the approaching holiday season didn't spark this rush. Barack Obama did. His election triggered concerns by gun enthusiasts that his administration would push restr...