Table for one

According to Yahoo, this week is National Singles Week. Seriously. It was made up in 1984 by some people in Ohio, of all places. Why couldn't I have found out about this on Monday when I could have enjoyed it? Maybe singles only deserve to know for half a week? Chances are, the single people in charge of this deal sat around for two days waiting for the phone to ring before finally giving in and calling the media. That sounds about right.

After the article, there's a list called The Ten Best Things About Being Single. I challenge.

1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want. Sure, stay out all night and get left alone, drunk and tired with no ride home. And when you get home, there's no one there, which stinks because you do your best nasty business when you're legally intoxicated.
2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself. Is that really important? Besides, if you sleep on a Twin bed, you're always on both sides.
3. You can flirt with the opposite sex without someone saying, "Who are you looking at?" That's usually what the opposite sex says.

4. You can make your own decisions. About which frozen meal you're eating over the sink or what to do on Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve or your birthday.

5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary. And no one will remember yours, either. [See #4]
6. You have no one to clean up after. You're kidding, right?
7. You can leave the toilet seat permanently up if you're a man, or permanently down if you're a woman. TRANSLATION: No ass besides yours.
8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do ... and actually do them. By yourself.
9. You can listen to your favorite radio station in the car. Because riding in silence is kind of psychotic. And the car gets better gas mileage because it's lighter than it would be with a woman in it.
10. You can actually hold on to the remote control. While you're "whacking it" with the other hand.

This sounds like one of those deals where people with some anti-social lifestyle convince themselves that being different is good. You had to really stretch to come up with 10 great things about being single. Cleaning up? I think they were done by number 5.

Different is OK, but I don't think we need to celebrate every half-assed National Week or anniversary. Some things don't beg to be acknowledged.

Singles get screwed on health insurance, pay more for hotel rooms and get that funny askance look when we arrive for things alone. Not to mention that we don't live as long as married people, but that may be torture for either of us, depending on the circumstances. As for me, accustomed is a word I would use to describe it, not happy - at least not most of the time.

So, Happy Singles [Half] Week - a contradiction in terms if I ever heard one.

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* thanks to eddiemalone for the image.