Employees must wash hands before reading the blog.

NEWS ITEM:

The gender gap has widened when it comes to hygiene, according to the latest stakeout by the "hand washing police." One-third of men didn't bother to wash after using the bathroom, compared with 12 percent of women, said the researchers who spy on people in public restrooms. They reported their latest findings Monday at a meeting of infectious disease scientists. Two years ago, the last time the survey was done, only one-quarter of men didn't wash, compared with 10 percent of women.
"Guys need to step up to the sink," said Brian Sansoni, spokesman for the Soap and Detergent Association, which co-sponsors the survey and related education campaigns.

First, let's discuss the Soap and Detergent Association. What kind of ... never mind.

Next, let's discuss something patently gross and disgusting - men's bathroom habits. In addition to being one myself, I work with lots of them, and although I'm not a member of the force, I keenly observe. Let's start with the good old toilet, shall we?

Men. Make an effort to properly establish the relationship between the bowl and your urinating device, which scientifically is known as your Urinarian. Do not stand 2 feet from the bowl and expect every drop to go there. Move a little closer, so you don't leave that disgusting 5-part puddle on the floor for the rest of us to try to avoid stepping in. Remember, it's not a fire hose and it does not slam shut.

Make at least a half-hearted attempt to wipe the rim of the bowl. A few squares of paper gently circulated around the rim can spare others the disgusting remains of your day. So far, we have a clean floor and a clean bowl. That's a Hell of a start.

And while I'm here, can I ask a question? Why is it that several of you think that you are such a sharpshooter that you can run that stuff through the seat? Pick up the God damned seat, why don't-cha? It's physically impossible to urinate through a toilet seat and not leave the next guy with a wet ass. Penalty for being caught: You have to pee sitting down for a month.

Washing your hands, I'm not even going to debate. Soap, water and a paper towel. Take a minute from your busy day. "Paper towel" does not mean more than three. Guys tear these things off like they're drying their car or something. Your hands are wet, take one. I've counted as many as six. If you take more than two, you have to use them to wipe the seat, floor and bowl before you are allowed to leave the rest room.

Take these thoughts and learn them, my brethren. For the benefit of mankind, your fellow workers and the overall quality of life. They're little things. I'm not asking you to help me move furniture or anything. Just wipe up.

Please.

Don't make me beg.