My Sick Mind

Merry Christmas I think Bill O 'Reilly is a Fucking Idiot would have made a great name for the blog, but I think Al Franken has a better grasp of it. And I guess I wouldn't mind so much, if Bill was one of those nut-jobs standing on the street corner screaming about some war crimes or how God is gonna take us up to Heaven ... but he's a nut-job with maj or cable TV time, which really irritates me. Consider this exchange on that stupid TV show of his: O'REILLY: Sixty-two percent of Americans will have a Christmas tree, but most of the trees will be artificial. E.D. HILL (co-host): That surprises me. Only 62 percent have Christmas... O'REILLY: Yeah. And here - and here's a very - here's something that Rasmussen didn't poll but I know, that most women who like artificial trees... HILL: Yeah? O'REILLY: ...have artificial breasts. He went on to say that he saw a study done at UCLA that confirmed his stupid nonsense. I think the University sh...

President George W. Bush hands back a crying baby that was handed to him from the crowd as he arrived for an outdoor dinner with German Chancellor Angela Merkel in Trinwillershagen, Germany, July 13, 2006. Five Reasons Why the Kid is Crying: George told the kid that he's gonna go to Iraq in 17 years. It's Mary Cheney's kid. George peed on him. The baby found out that Rumsfeld was Mary's sperm donor. Wouldn't you be crying if George was holding you? Merry Christmas kid.

There is a mini shit storm going on over at Pam’s place. The comments box is all assed-up over the war and what President Dubya is doing. Here’s my two cents. This is from today’s Philadelphia Inquirer : WASHINGTON - The debate over sending more U.S. troops to Iraq intensified yesterday [Wednesday] as President Bush signaled that he will listen but not necessarily defer to balky military officers, and Army Gen. John P. Abizaid, his top Middle East commander and a leading skeptic of a so-called surge, announced his retirement. At an end-of-the-year news conference, Bush said he agreed with generals "that there's got to be a specific mission that can be accomplished" before he decides to dispatch an additional 15,000 to 30,000 troops to the war zone. But he declined to repeat his usual formulation that he will heed his commanders when it comes to troop levels. And… Bush has traditionally paid public deference to the generals. At a news conference in July, for instance,...

So, my quick trip to the grocery store resulted in a bit longer visit than necessary. The "15 items or less" line should also be revised to include "3 children or less". The kids with the grabby hands who take candy and throw it onto the conveyor and the mom who says "That's stealing!" are little reminders that perhaps single-hood suits me. Although, while other people's children are often charming and beautiful, I also have the luxury of leaving and returning home to the cat, whose biggest issue is the occasional fur ball or whatever that brown thing is that he vomits at 3am. It scares the crap out of me when I hear it (whatever it is), and I never fail to step into precisely the spot of the vomit at 3:01am when my aging bladder requires the nightly visit to the household can. I believe his devious little cat-brain has positioned it precisely where he figured. But I digress. It's Christmas, and around the office (my little Hell away from hom...

What motivates you? Fear is a pretty good motivator. Fear of unemployment makes us do a good job. Fear of having no money makes us keep our jobs – no matter how lousy they are - and around it goes. Some folks are self-motivated. They can do things on their own with little help from others. Other people need to be constantly under supervision, sometimes to the point of annoying their supervisors. Personal trainers and people like Martha Stewart make decent livings off people like this. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. We all need something to motivate us. I hope that it is a little more than a little poster with a fancy phrase, or a big book full of fancy phrases – like The Bible. Some people read it every day, while others use it to keep their bathroom door from swinging open. It’s very heavy. One thing that works for me is if I tell someone I’m going to do something. I really want to do it, but the inner lazy-boy would rather not. I tell someone, because I figure that soon eno...

There I am, Sunday night. The venerable 60 Minutes TV show is running an interview with that Larry the Cable Guy . He's one of those examples of the old saying that "no one ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the general public". Doug Stanhope hates his guts. He can't get through a show without someone yelling "Git 'R' Done!" - even though it isn't Sta nhope's line, and besides, what's the point? Anyway ... I'm watching this interview with Bob Simon, and two things strike me. One is that his stage voice is a put-on. He's from Nebraska , born and reared, and while he speaks with a bit of a drawl, it isn't nearly as affected as the voice he uses on stage. Do you know anyone from Nebraska that talks like that? I suppose we could accept it as an "act", but I've never been one to buy into the act, whether it's that Yakov Smirnoff (who I figure is a total fraud, but his fifteen minutes we...

OK, so I'm sitting around, minding my own B. I. business, and this Pam character tags me. Here are the rules : Find the nearest book. Name the book The author Turn to page 123 Go to the fifth sentence on the page Copy out the next three sentences and post to your blog. The book that is closest to me on the bookshelf: The Lives of John Lennon by Albert Goldman This was the John Lennon who could have led the Beatles forward to become the first great hard rock band of the Sixties. They might have rocked with the tough working-class beligerence of The Who, becoming a group whose musical gestures, seconded by corresponding stage gestures, would have created a rock theater that could have enabled John Lennon to enact the psychodrama seething inside his soul. The machine-wrecking tactics of The Who would have suited Lennon right down to the ground, and eventually he might have written his own Tommy (as, in a way, he did with the Primal Scream Album). Much more interesting than Pam'...

I'm sitting here at work , listening to the instrumental MUZAK version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Is there any more pointless song to play without vocals? What's next, the instrumental version of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"? Help me.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Americans will spend nearly 10 hours a day watching television, surfing the Internet, reading books, newspapers and magazines and listening to music this year, the U.S. Census Bureau said on Friday. In its "Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2007" released on Friday, the agency also noted that Americans drink about a gallon of soda a week, along with a half gallon each of milk, bottled water, coffee and beer. All of which may help explain another figure in the pages of the 1,300-page book of tables and statistics: About two-thirds of Americans are overweight, including one-third of whom are obese. I wonder where these numbers come from? Let's do a little mathematics - very little, since I know you want to get back to your Internet activities. Six hours sleep. I know we're supposed to say eight, but... really.. . and 10 ... That's 16 hours, plus at least 8 hours at work leaves us zero . I realize that some of those activities can be ...

O ur Federal Government is just now finding out that automobile drivers encounter traffic, run their air-conditioners and frequently drive faster than 60mph. The Environmental Protection Agency, which only now - for model year 2008 - is changing the way it tests mileage for the first time since 1984. The new procedures announced this week will consider a variety of factors collectively known as reality. These overdue improvements will reduce the average vehicle's estimated mileage - the one that appears on window stickers in the showroom - by 12% for city driving and 8% for highway driving. And, as you could guess, auto makers are not happy about the change. Why? Because it may mean that people will start buying less profitable small cars, instead of house-sized bohemoths; whose drivers actually brag about their car getting 15 miles per gallon. The beautiful combination of bureaucratic sloth and special interest politics have finally given way to consumer complaints and f...

My teeth are clean. I just thought you might like to know. I had my six-month dental check-up (the official check-up-from-the-neck-up) and I was pronounced "Good for another six months." So, those of you who may be planning on doing something with me after June 13th ... I really can't commit to anything right now. That really screws with the trip to Wakarusa I was planning this summer. One day at a time, I guess. I made another appointment for June 27th, so I guess the joke is on them! While I was in the dental chair, they allowed me to watch the TV. There was a minor earthquake just outside of Reading, PA; in Berks County. The local Action News reporter was there, on the scene. He chose to interview a guy who was in the area at the time. REPORTER: So, you were here at the time of the earthqake? GUY: Yes, I was working here from noon till now, today. REPORTER: Did you feel the earthquake? GUY: Nope. I didn't see or feel anything. Breaking news, folks. ...

I ask myself many questions. I don’t get many answers, but that doesn’t keep me from asking. One I asked myself today was, “Would it be considered ‘justifiable homicide’ if I killed the guy who installed our MUZAK system at work?” I asked myself this after hearing Andy Williams sing “Happy Holidays” for the six-billionth time. Maybe I don't want to kill him as much as I just want to smack hi m in the back of the head and tell him how he has contributed to the destruction of thousands of brain cells. Don’t turn your back on me, Mr. MUZAK installation guy. How many different times can I hear “Jingle Bells” or “Frosty the Snowman” before it starts to work on my subconscious, and I am no longer responsible for my actions? Apparently, the music industry (and the MUZAK industry) feels as though we need one more version of “The Little Drummer Boy” – reggae mix, jazz mix, punk mix, pizzicato stri ng mix or Bowie and Bing mix – but here it is, mere ly the 12 th of December, ...

All this talk about bliss and its consequences has stirred up quite a little firestorm in this little corner of the Blogosphere. A post here , another one there and even one over here someplace that may or may not be the spark of the whole thing. Whatever it is, it is free thinking, and nothing irritates the More-moral-than-thou bunch than individuality and free thinking. Deep down inside, they would like us all to be the same. The sames would stay with the sames, and the differents would ... well, they would be ostracized to some island where they couldn't influence the sames and make them realize that they were cheap imitations of themselves. Ostracized is an interesting word. Without doing research (something I gave up after I graduated college) I would say that it has its roots in the Ostrich, who reacts to the different by sticking its head in the ground. The sames would probably do that, if they could get their head out of their ass long enough to put it in the ground. Free...

Girls ... girls ... girls ... please. A seemingly innocent post about a news story about some Indian men and their difficulties with prophylactics has started a mini-Bloggerstorm of comments, questions and concerns over the size of our junk. Katie asked a question in my comments box (no pun intended) , Pam added Kerosene to the fire by answering her and Kimmyk put up an entire post asking about the average size. Penis this, penis that ... penis, penis, penis. Holy shit, Hannah. Geez, girls - get a grip. Let's talk about shopping. 'Tis the season ... Or so it seems. I guess the season we think it is depends upon our upbringing. Every time the Christmas (excuse me, the holiday ) shopping season comes around, it makes me think about the variances in our lives and how those variances interact with those of us who get in the way. The first thing that comes to mind is that we are all forced to drive someplace. Driving is one of those social skills that not all of us posses, but ...

The space shuttle Discovery is shown as it streaks over a marina in Daytona Beach, Florida December 9, 2006 after liftoff from Kennedy Space Center. NEWS FLASH: VATICAN CITY (AFP) - Religious symbols should be allowed in public places, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of Italian Catholic legal experts. Sure. And a group of prostitutes in Atlantic City thinks that prostitution should be legalized. How does this even get to the news bureaus? I guess they figure they'll go to Hell if they don't report it. OK, fine. Let's move on to property tax relief. NEWS FLASH: A hundred percent of homeowners think their property taxes are too high. Maybe they should start praying. CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - Stargazers will get a rare triple planetary treat this weekend with Jupiter, Mercury and Mars appearing to nestle together in the predawn skies. About 45 minutes before dawn on Sunday those three planets will be so close that the average person's thumb can obscure all three f...

Frosty the Snowman . What a miserable holiday song that is. They tell us he's a "jolly, happy soul", then he dies in a horrible heat-related incident involving some kids and a corncob pipe. And why didn't that cop help him wh en he stopped them? I want answers! Either way, I think those kids are in for a horrible experience someday... But he waved goodbye Saying "Don't you cry I'll be back again some day". Watch your backs, kids. I think he's still carrying that broomstick around. Frosty bastard. I never trusted him. Stupid eyes made out of coal follow me around... Actor Jamie Kennedy arrives at an awards ceremony in Burbank, California wearing a pair of women's panties on his head and holding up a sign that reads: "I found Brittney's Panties". I'm only including this for the Google searches... NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Condoms designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian men as the...

I wasn't planning a Thirteen this week, but a post by Pam inspired this one, and even as I write this introduction, I'm hoping I can finish it. Thirteen Sliding Doors For those of you who don't know what that means, it's a reference to the movie , starring Gwyneth Paltrow. It's about a woman who is fired from her job at a PR company, and is forced to take stock of her life. When the doors of a tube car close on her, we see what happens if she had made the train, or if she had not. Here are my sliding doors, in no particular order: 1 - 1967, my father died. Leaving my mother widowed, it changed the way I see life. A child at the age of 9, forced to deal with the death of a beloved father and best friend. It wasn't a choice of mine, I know, but still, the elusive bliss began to evade me right then . It was the day I got fired from my PR company. 2 - Didn't try out for the Jazz band. A few high school buddies wanted me to audition as the bass player of the ...

This is a little about teamwork, but it's mostly about hypocrisy . One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" . Not because it's a great song (because it isn't) , but because of the great life lesson it teaches. You say you don't really need a life lesson from a Christmas song? Too late, Chief. Here it goes: The song starts out innocently enough. It's a cheery little tune about a horribly disfigured animal who probably landed his job because of some Equal Opportunity Law at the North Pole... Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. Then, it all starts to turn sour for our hero. Rudolph couldn't join the team. The other reindeer noticed his disfigurement and, much like the humans, they called attention to it and mocked him unmercifully, but if you saw it, you'd probably agree with his insensitive reindeer bretheren... All of the other reindeer Used ...