Sing-along.

Tis the season. I love Christmas music. So much that I find myself forced to listen to it all day on our company's MUZAK system. I've gotten to the point that I can recite the words, and the calming effect makes me forget how I'd like to crawl into the ceiling and start cutting wires.

So, what better time to list my 5 favorite Christmas songs - in no particular order. You'll no doubt be singing some (or all) of these at your office Christmas party or in the back of a dimly-lit bar:

5 - Jingle Bells. A catchy little number about animal abuse. One horse pulling a sleigh full of (probably) drunk holiday revelers. The harder the poor horse pulls, the more they laugh. Written in the days before animal cruelty became a legal issue. A rarely sung third verse goes like this:

A day or two ago, the story I must tell.

I went out on the snow, and on my back I fell.

A gent was riding by, in a one-horse open sleigh.

He laughed at me as I there sprawling laid, but quickly drove away.

Seriously. That's a real verse. A cheery tale of near-fatal injuries ignored. He probably wound up frozen stiff like Nicholson at the end of "The Shining." Happy holidays.

4 - Frosty the Snowman. The eerie tale of children run amok. They built a snowman and cast some sort of voodoo spell to get him to come to life, and shortly thereafter terrorised a small town. They would see him destroyed before their eyes, then through some (apparently) pagan worship connected with the Christmas season, Frosty threatened the children, promising to return, probably at night when it's cold. Don't fall asleep, kids. The snowman is coming.

3 - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. The child was obviously traumatized at the sight of his mother making out with (someone) a neighbor or just a fat fireman with a beard. Either way, it's a sight the kid won't ever get over. I think the line about seeing her "tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white" is a bit vague. The kid was half asleep, what did he really see? Which "beard?" Santa had a lot of white hair. And why did mommy tickle him with her tongue? I think the reason daddy didn't see what mommy was doing was because daddy was in the garage loading his shotgun. I saw daddy capping Santa Claus.

4 - The Twelve Days of Christmas. The poor girl is obviously the victim of a stalker who has enslaved several musicians, maids and dancers. The guy appeared to have a thing for birds, too. He sings it over and over in a hypnotic tone until she finally gives in and takes his gifts.

5 - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. My all time favorite. The song starts out innocently enough. It's a cheery little tune about a horribly disfigured animal who probably landed his job because of some Equal Opportunity Law at the North Pole. His friends wouldn't let him join them because of his deformity and harassed him until he appeared to develop an eating disorder. (I assumed that part) Once it was found that his difference could be used to benefit the reindeer community, the others began to love him, even though they started out hating his red-nosed guts. When they found out that he was able to help them, their attitude toward Rudolph changed. A life-lesson for kids everywhere: Ridicule people who are different until you find a way to take advantage of them, then make them your friend.

Merry Christmas, bitches!