I'm going to call my lawyer as soon as he gets out of law school.

Regardless of what the jackasses at CNN or Travel & Leisure Magazine would tell you, even though I'm from Philadelphia, I like to think of myself as worldly (if not cynical) about things, especially things that come in the postal mail or the electronic mail. That's why I'm a little miffed at using my time and energy opening this piece of crap that arrived at the home on Monday.

The object is for it to look like a recall notice, including the "Your Vehicle" part. I haven't received a recall notice in a while, but I'd be willing to bet it comes from "Program Headquarters" or something like that. What should have tipped me off to the envelope's contents was the 31 cents postage - the sure sign of bulk mail - another name for crap mail.

But I opened it anyway, because I figured, if my engine is about to catch fire or my seat belts won't work, I should know about it.

As you can see, and I did too, this letter says nothing about my vehicle, nor does it contain any important information. It does, however, contain the name of the person whose desk this came from. That's a handy piece of information to have. At the bottom is his stylized facsimile signature. Nice.

It should come as no surprise to anyone (least of all me) that car dealers and the people who work for them are the textbook definition of weasel. It isn't enough that the vehicles they sell are obscenely overpriced, they have to make it as difficult a process as possible. In my dream world, we'd be able to buy a new vehicle the same way we buy a CD or a shirt. Find it, click on it and wait for someone to drop it off at our house. There are places, I know, but I won't be satisfied until the world is rid of car dealerships altogether. I believe there is an unimaginable savings waiting for the first manufacturer who opens a store where people can come to look and drive without buying. They go home, find the car they want and buy it like a pair of shoes. It can be done. The best part would be not having to deal with the jackasses who think they're doing us a favor by allowing us to buy one of their cars.

What this letter does indirectly, is insure that I will never buy a vehicle from Country Ford Mercury Jeep (can't make up their minds).

I contacted the local Better Business Bureau and filed a complaint about their deceitful business practices. [Your complaint number is: 5639701].

Problem:
Today, I received in the postal mail, a letter. On the envelope, it said, "IMPORTANT: INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VEHICLE ENCLOSED. PLEASE READ THE ENCLOSED INFORMATION CAREFULLY". Since my vehicle is only 2 years old, I wondered if it was a recall notice or some other bit of information about my car. The envelope had only 31 cents postage, which should have been a tip-off, but I felt that I should open it, since it seemed to contain something important. What was inside was a sales pitch from Country Ford Mercury Jeep in Elmer, NJ. There was nothing about my vehicle, only an offer (personally addressed to me) to attend a "Test Market Program" between October 24 and 27, 2007.

This practice is deceitful in two ways. One, the return address on the envelope read: Program Headquarters, 391 Roberts Rd., Oldsmar, FL 34677. There was no indication that it was from Elmer, NJ.

Second, the blatant lie on the front of the envelope using the words "your vehicle" are clearly deceptive. Even though this is a minor nuisance in the grand scheme, I still feel strongly that such advertising and business practices should be against the law - if they aren't already - and some action should be brought against anyone who participates in such a program.

You might get a letter too, Ivan. It will say, IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING LEGAL ACTION or From the desk of the New Jersey Attorney General ... something like that.

It'll have a 42-cent stamp on it too.

You betcha.