My Sick Mind

I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little, Henry. I can't keep doing this on my own with these ... people . [laughs] Daniel Plainview - "There Will Be Blood" Today is Respect Your Cat Day or something like that. That's every day around here, but it's nice to know that someone thought to include them in the calendar. The more human interaction I have, the more I respect my cat and animals in general, and the less I have for people. At the gym today, a nearby jackass left 8 45-pound plates on the leg press machine and walked away. One presumes that since he was strong enough to put them on he would have been equally strong enough to take them off. That's the gym etiquette. Loud enough to hear, I said, "Take the Goddamned plates off when you're done!" but he couldn't hear me because he was wearing the Universal Sign of No Self-Awarenes...

So here's the thing. I don't carry a wallet. As Kramer says, "My osteopath says it's bad for my spine." For me, it's just another wasted appendage sticking out of my backside. For years, I've been carrying my ATM card (notably misnamed the MAC card - the "C" stands for "card") and other such necessary cards in my pockets and/or lunch bag compartments for the past 20 years or so. Fortunately for me, I'm the type that always knows where things are and, as Felix Unger says, "I know every item on my person." Can you tell I'm a little heavily influenced by television? I've been happily going along with this method for the past ... 20 years ... until I opened the latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine and found something called the acmwallet . It's a little gizmo that holds your credit/debit cards and has a little money clip for those of us who have a little money. It's made of plastic so it isn't very h...

MIAMI (AP) — A pedestrian wasn ’t in a crosswalk when Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth hit and killed him with his Bentley, according to a report released Tuesday by police in Miami Beach. According to the report, Stallworth told officers he flashed his lights to try to warn 59-year-old Mario Reyes, a construction crane operator who was rushing to catch a bus after getting off work around 7:15 a.m. March 14. Police said Stallworth was driving about 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. They are investigating whether alcohol played a role in the accident. No charges have been filed against Stallworth pending the outcome of blood tests. A police diagram shows that Reyes was hit in the far left lane of the six-lane MacArthur Causeway - not in a nearby crosswalk. Stallworth stopped a few feet away. He flashed his lights. What more do you want? That's the problem with news stories that " allege " that someone did something or count on third-person accounts of someth...

I n line at the store tonight, the guy in front of me started talking to the pregnant cashier about what name she is going to give her baby. "If it's a boy, it's going to be Chase," she said, "After Chase Utley." The guy replied that his wife was in the hospital during the playoffs, and they were stuck for a name. Seeing Shane Victorino at the plate, they decided that Shane would be a good name for their baby boy. I interjected, "It's a good thing So Taguchi wasn't in the game." I got that blank stare that I usually get when I make a comment. A mong other things, I get a kick out of the way products are marketed - particularly pet foods and televisions. They advertise high-definition TVs on regular-definition stations and proclaim that the picture quality is amazing. We take their word for it. Cat food is marketed, one presumes, to cats. Cats however, do very little grocery shopping, so the "Gourmet" tag on the can of Fancy Fea...

Somebody needs to explain to me why it takes 3 days to transfer funds from Paypal to my bank account, while any transaction I make is instantly noted on my account. Why should a purchase occur almost instantly while a fund transfer takes 3 days? Methinks I smell a rat. The guess here is that Paypal wants to hold onto my money for a few days, while the vendor (the transaction) wants their money immediately. In the midst of our financial crisis and "this economy" I think that we need to explore this a bit more and (French) get it straightened the fuck out. Meanwhile, Paypal charges me a "transaction fee." What is that for? If they're going to take 3 days to transfer the funds, I'd like to get something for the money they're sucking out of me. When you sell something on Ebay (the parent company of Paypal) they take a fee to post the listing. They take another fee to post a photo of the item, as though someone would buy something without seeing it. T...

It's mulch season. Before the discovery of mulch, somehow trees and plants grew in soil without the aid of shredded trees bathed in fertilizer. I don't know how, but legend has it. Meanwhile, my development stinks like a compost heap. The landscapers were out all day today, spreading the junk everywhere. For some reason, they chose to pile it in the middle of our entrance-way. I would have complained, but most of them don't speak English. Besides, I think they like the smell. Once I managed to make my way through a 10-foot pile of shredded fertilized trees, I took my auto to have its oil changed. I've been using synthetic motor oil because I'm told it's better for the engine, and I'd like to own the car beyond the time I'll be paying for it. So I asked the guy at the oil change place, "You recommend changing the oil every 3,000 miles, but isn't the synthetic stuff good for longer than that?" He replied, "It is, but the filters are...

There is a minor furor over Barack Obama's comment on "Tonight" about his bowling score. He said something about being ready for the Special Olympics. That angered some people - or so I hear. I don't stay up late enough nor do I have enough interest in "Tonight" to watch the show, even though I knew Obama was going to be appearing. I lost interest in "Tonight" once Rickles stopped being a guest host. The thing that's strange about it is that "Tonight" is taped for broadcast. It isn't a live program, much as they want you to believe it is, so anything offensive or odd could be edited. So, he says that his bowling score would qualify him for the Special Olympics and we're supposed to find it insulting or offensive in some manner. Meanwhile, if he had said, "My fucking bowling game sucks" it would have been cut out and the offensive word omitted from the final broadcast. They chose to let the Special Olympics comme...

There are two kinds of people in the world: 1 - People who visit my blog because I visit theirs. 2 - People who visit my blog regardless of whether or not I visit theirs. Then, there are the people who are easily offended by some of my opinions and stop visiting my blog because of that. OK, so there are 3 kinds of people in the world: 1 - People who visit my blog because I visit theirs. 2 - People who visit my blog regardless of whether or not I visit theirs. 3 - People who are offended by my opinions and stop visiting my blog. Then, there are people like me who don't really care about "People number 3" because if that's all it takes to keep them away, they were never really friends to begin with. So, there are 4 kinds of people in the world: 1 - People who visit my blog because I visit theirs. 2 - People who visit my blog regardless of whether or not I visit theirs. 3 - People who are offended by my opinions and stop visiting my blog. 4 - People who don't car...

WASHINGTON – Acting swiftly, the Democratic-led House approved a bill Thursday to slap punishing taxes on big employee bonuses at firms bailed out by taxpayers. The bill would impose a 90 percent tax on bonuses given to employees with family incomes above $250,000 at American International Group and other companies that have received at least $5 billion in government bailout money. "We want our money back now for the taxpayers," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said. And all over the country, millions of taxpayers are clapping their hands in childish glee. "Yeaaaaah - they're jamming it to them! Hooray!" Dumbasses. All this demonstrates is our Federal government wielding its power, and as it says in the Bible , you should be sore afraid. Why? Because if they can do it to a giant corporation like AIG, what's to stop them from doing it to you? Nothing, which is why you should be afraid. Essentially, the government is reneging on a deal. They gave AIG the money...

OK, so I filled out a NCAA tournament bracket. I did it as though I knew what I was looking at and even though I haven't watched 5 minutes of college basketball all year, I filled it in with all the confidence of an expert - which, of course I am. Although, with 64 teams and at least 10 possible tournament winners, ask yourself the odds of actually picking enough winners to actually win. Give me 8-4-6 straight and boxed. It's that lottery-winner in me that makes me do it. Even though I'm usually out of contention by the end of the third round (curiously called the Sweet 16) it keeps me interested in life long enough to survive another couple of weeks on this miserable planet. For ten bucks it saves me the added cost of shotgun shells. Maybe that's the allure of baseball season tickets? Five months of games that are already paid for, thereby lessening the possibility that I'll cash-in early for fear of missing some important September games and, Lord willing...

The cashier at Shop Rite wanted my Price Plus card. I was buying a bag of cat litter. $2.29. She demanded my Price Plus card. I wondered why. What sort of marketing research can they be doing at Shop Rite headquarters that says, "People with cats buy cat litter." You just never know when he'll start pooping. Then, the lady at the liquor store wanted to know if I wanted a receipt with my six-pack of Golden Monkey. "No," I said, "We don't need any proof of this." It leads me to believe that large numbers of alcoholics are demanding receipts. To follow up on yesterday's opinion of having "a snowball's chance in Hell" of getting those AIG bonuses back, this appeared in today's Inquirer: Experts in employment law say the administration faces high legal hurdles because the bonuses, paid with federal bailout funds, apparently were mandated by contracts that would be difficult to break. "If it is in an employment agreem...

I suppose the smoke has cleared over the Jon Stewart/Jim Cramer shouting match. I didn't see it and I didn't want to. As far as I was concerned, it was television screaming at itself. I don't have an official poll, but I'd guess that more people like Jon Stewart than Jim Cramer. Mostly because Stewart makes them laugh and most people don't know what Jim Cramer is talking about, and we always like people who make us laugh over people who confuse us. They're both smarter than us, and if it wasn't for the laughing part, we wouldn't like Jon Stewart very much either. Stewart was pissed over the way Jim Cramer turns investing into entertainment. That's the basis of the argument as I see it. Everything else is filler for the TV show. The point that Stewart missed is that he has made a nice living mocking people whom we're supposed to respect - like world leaders and people of authority - in a network news format. Sure, he mocks celebrities and other ...

"Oh crap! I didn't mean ... wait ... I call 'do over'"! WASHINGTON – Joining a wave of public anger, President Barack Obama blistered insurance giant AIG for "recklessness and greed" Monday and pledged to try to block it from handing its executives $165 million in bonuses after taking billions in federal bailout money. "How do they justify this outrage to the taxpayers who are keeping the company afloat?" Obama asked. "This isn't just a matter of dollars and cents. It's about our fundamental values." Um ... pardon me, but wasn't it recklessness that got AIG into this mess to begin with? How does he expect them to change their behavior merely because the government gave them a sack full of money? And while we're at it, what are those "fundamental values" of which you speak? Do you mean the fundamental value of taking responsibility for your actions or being held accountable for your mistakes? That's wha...

I see (and hear) that Delaware is considering starting a lottery based on sports gambling. That's almost a good idea. They cite "this economy" (which is the latest catch-phrase) and tell us that the income will be good for the state. Either something is a good idea or it isn't. It shouldn't have anything to do with "the economy" - this or any other. If ten years ago, you had approached the governor and told him that you thought the state should legalize sports gambling, and he told you to "fuck off," then why now, with the state in financial crisis, is it a good idea? If economic conditions are your barometer for what is right and wrong, then lets legalize marijuana and prostitution while we're at it. If the object is to enhance the state's income, then put the state in charge of it and let it go. Nevada apparently has no problem with women selling sex, so why should Delaware - or New Jersey? After all, aren't we the United State...

Carol Connelly: How are you? Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts. Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now? Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly . Well OK, so it hasn't been quite that bad, but that little exchange from a good film always comes to mind when I grow weary of listening to my own complaints, and nowhere are they more evident than here on my little patch of the Internet. Updates are ready for my computer. I get that message every time I turn the damned thing on. Whether or not I want them, they're ready. A little metaphor for life. Whether we're ready for it or not, it keeps coming. Sometimes in a relentless fashion that gives us no recourse than to shut down and find out where the leaks are. Which brings to mind an exchange of dialogue from another of my favorite films, "Apollo 13": Sy Liebergot: Flight ... I recommend we shut down reactant valves to the fuel cells. Gene Kra...

Every time I think about chucking-in this blogging deal, the last post standing is something ridiculous like that ShamWow ad from Sunday. I can't have tens of readers thinking that my last thoughts were of German-made shammys (or is it chamois'?), so I'm forced to run one more brain fart out here for the masses so that you'll remember me fondly, or at least more fondly than I'll remember myself. So hey, how about that airline food? Is it bad or what? There, that should do it.

Daylight saving time . The lasting legacy of Benjamin Franklin and George W. Bush. Franklin, because he wanted an extra hour of daylight to do farming and Bush because it was the best idea he had to stem the tide of wasted energy. Neither one of them does me any good on Sunday morning. We've long since abandoned the Agrarian society and George W. Bush, so why do we need to continue this nonsense? So here I sit in the darkness, waiting for 2am so that I can move the clock ahead an hour thus saving me daylight. I understand completely. Otherwise, I'd have to set the alarm for 2am so that I could accurately move the clock. It's all about accuracy. If I moved the clock ahead an hour at 10pm, it's possible that I'd be four hours ahead when I woke up (eventually) on Sunday morning. Isn't that how it works? Daylight saving time makes us think we're saving time while we're wasting it.

"Meet your new best friend" the ad says that came in my e-mail box yesterday. Only it's a metal contraption manufactured from Japanese parts and not a young woman who could prove her friendship by performing a sexual act or accompanying me to a baseball game - or both. No, it's a computer. I'm not even sure why we call them computers anymore. They're like cell phones - more cell than phone - and more web-surfing device than a machine that actually "computes" anything. We ain't launching rockets here, gang. Unless you count that Internet-inspired woody you get, but that's another matter. $299 for a tiny laptop, the ad says. OK, I'm in the market for a new best friend, since I seem to be abandoned by some and forgotten by others. You'll be my friend, LCD screen. And I don't have to feed you or tell you how much I enjoy your company. The trouble is, (among other things) that the $299 price is a bit of a scam. Surprised? Me neithe...