My Sick Mind

I'm one of those wierdos that keeps score at baseball games. I write in a seemingly secret code things like CS2-6, F8 and I have learned to draw the letter K backward. When I cannot figure out what is going on (a frequent occurrence at Phillies games) I will note the initials ST in my scorebook, which stands for Stupid Thing . For instance, last week, Aaron Rowand got picked off of first base after the opposing pitcher faked a move to third, wheeled and threw to first. The oldest fake-out play in the book, and it almost never works. It's ST1-3 on my scorecard. Our present state of affairs with gasoline has me puzzled. Seemingly intelligent people are doing strange things, all in the name of gasoline. If you're scoring at home, score these as ST . STUPID THING #1: LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Some California drivers are resorting to desperate measures to beat the surge in gas prices at the pump - deliberately running dry on the state's freeways and simply waiting for rescue...

Item Number 1 Is Life on Earth Too Complicated? Read this and decide. Today, we look at two annoyances of modern life, one of which I have had to deal with recently and the other that is a gnawing pain in my side. First, the automobile gas cap. Innocuous, you say? Au contraire . After the gas jockey at Wawa – I was later to learn that they are officially known as gas jockeys – finished filling my tank with liquid gold, he spun the gas cap around so many times I thought I was under heavy machine gun fire, so I assumed the cap was on tightly. However, the next day, the dashboard light advised me to CHECK GAS CAP . Why, I wondered quietly to myself, would I have to check the gas cap? I know where it is. No sooner did the gas cap light come on, that the CHECK ENGINE light came on as well. The owner’s manual tells me that the Gas Cap light makes the Engine light come on, which will make my turn signals blink uncontrollably, which will fog my windows and finally, the car will stop running...

Let's say that you're a huge fan of that American Idol TV show. You like it so much that you know everything there is to know about the contestants, the songs they sing and their cute little personality quirks that make the show and its high drama such compelling television (so I hear). You love the show so much, that you are willing to call in and cast your vote for your favorite performer, hoping that your support will thrust them over the top and into a career of singing and acting rivaled only by the last American Idol winner. You go to work the next day and complain that your favorite performer was somehow voted off, and you cannot believe how the guy who advanced made it as far as he did. How, exactly do you know that your vote was counted? Who audits the seemingly thousands of calls coming in and reports the results to the throngs of viewers who would rather watch that show than eat? In short, why are you wasting your time? Don't you think that the producers of th...

F or some reason, my dentist has a television in his examining room. I think it is odd, but from what people tell me, it is becoming more common. I was there today to have a real tooth filed down so that a steel and porcelain one could be inserted in its place - and there, on the TV is Regis and Kelly (it's a show and people, so I'm not sure how to punctuate it). For most of my visit, they were yammering on about something or other (which Regis has perfected as an art form) and, after the procaine was beginning to kick in, up pops Jenny McCarthy. She wasn't there for her health, or mine. Rather, she was there to promote a new tome she allegedly penned called Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth (hardcover $18). I don't know exactly what the book is about because, for the duration of the interview, I had a live drill in my mouth. But, the thing I kept hearing over and over (apart from my muffled screams) was the word author . Regis kept repeati...

D o you want the benefits of water without giving up taste? Of course you do, and if you’re anything like me, (I pity the fool) you’ll want to try the latest fanciful beverage from Aquafina, (literally “the end of water”) called Flavor Splash. It is described as a Naturally Flavored Water Beverage. Right away, I have a problem with something called a water beverage, but I will set that aside for now, in lieu of another minor concern. Namely, what exactly is in this stuff? First, I wanted to see what the natural flavors were. The label says “Citrus Blend”, so I wanted to check to see which citrus fruits … oops … Contains 0% juice. OK. So, what are the natural flavors, I wondered quietly to myself? Check the CONTAINS part of the label – there they are, ingredient number 2 – “Natural Flavors”. Oh. So this stuff must be good for me, right? After all, I’m getting all the benefits of water. As far as Flavor Splash is concerned, those ‘benefits’ include Sodium Hexametaphosphate, Sodium C...

Here is some food for thought from the current issue of Mother Jones magazine: A djusted for inflation, the federal minimum wage has fallen 42% since its peak in 1968. I f the $5.15 hourly minimum wage had risen at the same rate as CEO compensation since 1990, it would now stand at $23.03. O nly the wealthiest 20% of Americans spend more on entertainment than on health care. I n 2005, there were 9 million American millionaires, an increase of 62% since 2002. T he $17,530 earned by the average Wal-Mart employee last year was $1,820 below the poverty line for a family of 4. 5 of America's 10 richest people are Wal-Mart heirs. P ublic companies spend 10% of their earnings compensating their top 5 executives. T he bidder who won a round of golf with Tiger Woods for $30,100 at a 2004 Buick charity auction could deduct all but $200 for taxes. P oor Americans spend one-quarter of their income on residential energy costs. F or performing in the Live8 concerts to "make poverty histor...

A fter over 26,000 page views, bidding has ended for the ridiculous Jay Leno "naturally died" Easter egg. Gratefully, there were no bidders. If there is any justice, glaeser2006 should be forced to eat the allegedly 8-year old egg on national television. That, I would pay to see. My faith in society, damaged yesterday, is restored.

News Item : A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor, went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday. One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said. At least two women, both in their 30s, let him into their homes and he fondled and sexually assaulted them, the investigators said. So, I guess the guy was 1 for 2 in the breast exam area? He only lost out on the second one after she "became suspicious" because he wasn't wearing rubber gloves? It seems as though he was pretty close to pulling that one off, too - so to speak. Am I missing something, or is there a big opportunity out there for door-to-door breast examinations? Would I answer the door and accept a woman into my home if she promised to give me a free testicular can...

O n April 6, I wrote extolling the virtues of the latest concoction from Ben & Jerry's, called Black and Tan. Sadly, the present state of society has prohibited some people from grasping the obvious, and ignorant of that seemingly elementary trait, have laid into Ben & Jerry's for having the nerve to name an ice cream after a group of soldiers. News Item : DUBLIN (Reuters) - Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence. "Any reference on our part to the British Army unit was absolutely unintentional and no ill-will was ever intended," said a Ben & Jerry's spokesman. "I can't believe that Ben & Jerry's would be so insensitive to call an ice cream such a name and to launch it as a celebration of Irishness ... it's an insult!" wrote one b...

News Item: An Oregon man who went to a hospital complaining of a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull from a suicide attempt with a nail gun, doctors say. The unidentified 33-year-old man was suicidal and high on methamphetamine last year when he fired the nails into his head one by one. Doctors were surprised when X-rays revealed six nails clustered between his right eye and ear, two below his right ear and four on the left side of his head. This is yet another example of someone who lacked the ability to conceive a plan and carry it through to its conclusion. The problem here is not the nail gun or the methamphetamine, it is incompetence. How many times have you had to take your car to a mechanic with what you thought was a routine problem - say, your turn signals appeared to click when they weren't on - and the guy at the service station either could not find the problem, or believed he found it, when in fact, he did not. The car was returned to you, and th...

T ype the phrase “quick and easy” into a Yahoo search, and you will get 21,500,000 results. Ironically, it is neither quick nor easy to sort through them all, but the point is that we have become a society that is Hell bent on getting things done quickly and easily. I hesitate to use the word accomplished , since I don’t think many things in life are accomplished quickly and easily. Things get done, but whether we actually accomplish anything is another matter. We have fast food, microwave ovens, e-mail, instant coffee and instant oatmeal – which actually takes a minute and a half - but I suppose in the cosmic sense, it’s an instant. Quick and easy has become the mantra for almost everything: diet books, exercise, cooking, investing, cleaning and even education. But, as they say, it ain’t necessarily so. I suppose it helps sell books, but “quick and easy” is a shallow promise, and we all know that no one would buy a diet book called Lose Weight the Slow and Gradual Way . Watch the ounc...

O ne of the things I think about when I'm thinking about things is how each of us is seemingly relegated to our 'lot in life' not through any of our own doing, but by our birthright. If I was born a Kennedy, I'd be living in Massachusetts; suckling on the family teat. However, if I were born to a family of alcoholic mental-defectives, it is likely that I would be sleeping on a grate at 15th and Chestnut Streets, carrying a sign begging for food. With only a tiny amount of good fortune, we fall somewhere in between the Kennedy's and the Streety's - God bless them all. Once we realize that our lot in life is at least partially pre-determined, perhaps we can then begin to come to terms with who we are and what we have become. As adults, I think it is necessary to take stock in our lives at some point. Perhaps now is a good time for you, too. Presumably, we all do the best we can with what we have, and it is up to each of us to determine whether or not that is the ...

I realize that life is not a clear-cut set of choices and decisions. There are often grey areas that muddle seemingly obvious conclusions. Grey areas are bad, because they give decision makers the ability to cater to any special interest that either pays the bills or in some way floats their boat. Specifically, I refer to the grey area of what we may or may not consume. On September 30, 2004, Merck announced the voluntarily worldwide withdrawal of VIOXX® (rofecoxib) from the market. There is a trial currently concluding where a man claims to have suffered a heart attack from taking Vioxx. Meanwhile, RJ Reynolds and Altria (the more user-friendly name for Philip Morris) continue to produce and sell cigarettes, knowing that they are killing people. The boxes used to say “may cause…” or “may result…” Now, they use words like “will” and “does,” as if there is no doubt that the product is causing harm. Maybe Vioxx and similar drugs help people, maybe not, but it surely didn’t take long for ...

Better than pills , bran cereal and the " dreaded apparatus ". It's good for what ails you . Spoon it into water and watch it and your troubles disappear. You'll be a Pistol-Packing Mama in no time! Trying to do my part to make your lives a little easier. Hear me now, believe me later.

You Are Austin, Texas A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in ... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick What American City Are You?

Compare his 1987 Topps rookie card [left] with this recent photo as a San Francisco Giant [below] . Incredible Before and After pictures tell the real story.

Somehow (an Easter miracle) the bids have been taken down and the egg is now back to its original $5,000. It's a steal, folks. So, if you're looking for that last minute Ridvan gift, this could be just the thing. Since the egg could be said to look as much like Jay Leno or Captain Kangaroo as it does Jesus, it shouldn't be offensive to anyone of any religion. Dig deep.

T hings that say they're "collectible" usually are not. N ever buy coins from a television shopping channel. L iquor before beer - never fear. B eer before liquor - never sicker. L ight a candle and curse the dark, if it makes you feel better. N ever make a life-altering decision because you think other people believe it is the right thing to do. Do it only if you believe it is best. S ignal before changing lanes, not after you already have two wheels in the next lane. T ake a day off from work and spend the whole day with your dog and/or cat. You and your pet will feel better. T urn off your cell phone. G o to your nearest big city and buy a meal for a person living on the street. Don't give the money to some big charity, they'll screw it up. Instead, give it directly to the person you want to help. E njoy some peace and quiet. This one works in tandem with turning off the phone. G o outside, walk someplace and walk back. Leave the phone at home. S end someone a ...

Today is Easter, or as some would say, "Easter Sunday," as if Easter ever comes on any other day of the week. Prior to this, we had Good Friday and Holy Saturday. Holy Saturday sounds made up, like "Elite 8" had to be made up to go between "Sweet 16" and "Final 4" in the NCAA basketball tournament so that there would be a named stage between two major events. We celebrate several major Christian holidays in America. They are not National holidays, since the United States does not have National holidays. Rather, they are legal holidays, because businesses are free to be open or closed if they wish. The government, however, is always closed. I wonder how the growing populations of Islamic, Buddist and Hindu feel (really feel, not what they tell Diane Sawyer) about all this Christian holiday celebrating that we do? They're all tax-paying citizens - at least by today I hope they are - but they don't get a sniff when it comes to having time o...

News Item: It was a last-minute project for Linda Bargas and her children in Pueblo. Bargas bought one of the last Easter egg dye kits at the store. Bargas said, "We were getting ready to go to the Easter Vigil. I had egg all over me. Just dyed the egg, and it was dripping. And the kids were like, we're going to be late, we're going to be late, so I took the egg and I blew on it. And when I blew on it, I see the image. Oh my gosh kids, look what happened." What appeared on that egg eight years ago to Bargas and all of her friends and family is the image of the face of Jesus Christ. Bargas stopped short of calling it a miracle, "I think it just happened, and it's something beautiful to look at." The egg is still hard-boiled, and it doesn't carry any odor. Bargas plans to sell it on eBay. "It's lasted in my house for eight years. Will I miss it? Probably a little bit. But it's time for it to go." --------------------------------------...