Made for TV sports

On occasion, television runs out of things to show us. It happens because there are more TV channels than ever - and more all the time - and less and less interesting stuff to show. So much so, that things like America's Funniest Home Videos is a long-running program. It's interesting, since the show's title proclaims what we are supposed to believe it is; funny, when in fact, it really isn't all that funny. What it is is people being hit in the crotch and falling off of things, jumping off of things and having their pants fall down. The word funny is in the title (well, Funniest actually) so it must be funny. Funniest.

This week, in the doldrums of television that is the summer, baseball is holding its annual party that they call the All-Star break. It isn't a break, really, since there is a lot of baseball packed into those three days. The only break comes for the unlucky losers who aren't invited to the party. They get to spend three days at home with their families and ESPN and Fox get a couple of days of programming. Somewhere, the executives are doing the old brow-wipe and thinking, "Wow - we don't have to do anything until Thursday!"

The Home Run Derby is one of those made for TV events that happens to be loosely related to sports. It's sports because it happens on a baseball field, but it's really just Network Time-Filler disguised as sports.

Batting practice pitchers lobbing soft-toss Charlie Brown straight balls to big-league power hitters may be television's version of sport, but to me it's more of a game show. Add to it the insufferable screaming nonsense of Chris Berman (America's most overrated broadcaster) who calls every long fly ball as though it was game 7 of the World Series, and you have the makings of a real made-for-TV sports program. It's perfect. The players are already being paid, the network is already there to broadcast the game and the fans are dying to pay to get in. Free money.

Plus, it takes f - o - r - e - v - e - r. Three rounds of Home Run Derby takes longer than an actual baseball game. How does that happen? Television. Must. Fill. Time. Berman must scream and yell, as though we cannot see what is happening. He figures the louder he yells the more dramatic something is - when the exact opposite is true. Stop yelling Chris, you got the job.

The Derby has the odd distinction of being named after something that it is not. Are they home runs if there is no real game? "Back - back - back - home run!" Chris screams. Really? Who's going back, back, back? Is he talking to the ball?

I see the derby but the home run is lost on me. Home Run Derby is the sports equivalent of the tree falling in the forest when no one is there to hear it. Is it really a home run if there is no game?

It really is a TV show - and that's what matters. ESPN will milk it for a day or so while they run highlights and Berman screams. "Back - back - back - back ..."