It's time to play, "You be the Conservative!"

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Republican presidential candidates John McCain and Mitt Romney argued on Monday over who is the real conservative with their battle headed toward a Super Tuesday climax.

Now, you two play nice. Imagine, arguing over who's the conservative. And the winner ... gets to be the conservative? That's like arguing over who's the child molester. OK, maybe that's a little extreme. It's like arguing over who's the best child molester. That's right.

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I'm such an oddball. Regular readers are nodding their heads right now. Sure, I watched the Super Bowl like a hundred million other people, but I skipped most of the commercials and the entire half-time show. In fact, I turned the game back on with 11:48 remaining in the third quarter, so I overshot a little.

The talk at work today (most of it) centered around which commercial was best and what we thought of the half-time show. I only saw a few commercials - the baby spitting up and the Will Ferrell one - but I was a little disappointed that I missed the half-time show. You'll have to help.

I'm hearing stories that people think Tom Petty was lip-syncing. Supposedly, he moved away from the microphone a couple of times and you could still hear him singing. If he was, I suppose it's because the Super Bowl is such a big deal that he didn't want to risk forgetting the lyrics to a song he wrote that he's probably sung a thousand times. Why would he lip-sync?

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ROMNEY: I'm a conservative.

McCAIN: Sure, you're a conservative. I'm a way bigger conservative than you.

ROMNEY: Really? Prove it, fatso.

McCAIN: OK, you know that whole gay marriage thing? Totally against it.

ROMNEY: Big deal. Not only am I against it, I'd tax them for being gay. Homo tax. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, whitey.

McCAIN: Screw you. You know what? If I'm elected, I'm putting William F. Buckley on the Supreme Court.

ROMNEY: Dope. He isn't even an attorney.

McCAIN: That's right. Pretty conservative, huh?

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LONDON (AFP) - The former chairman of Anglo-Dutch oil giant Shell has called on the European Union to ban gas-guzzling cars, saying they are unnecessary, the BBC reported Monday. "Nobody needs a car that does 10-15 mpg," Mark Moody-Stuart was quoted as saying.

Sure, he says it and it's a Yahoo News story. I say it and I may as well be screaming at my cat.

Face it, gang. You were sold a bill of goods with these giant SUVs and trucks. They're good for maybe 5 days a year around here. The other 360 they're clogging the road, using expensive gasoline and generally a big waste of ... everything.

Like the conservatives, only with wheels and a reverse gear.

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McCAIN: I'm so conservative, I masturbate in front of the Fox News Channel.

ROMNEY: Yeah, well ... I'm ... We're ... umm ... OK, you can be the conservative.

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That's right, it's Super Tuesday! I'll be out bright and early tomorrow morning voting. I won't tell you for whom I'm voting. You'll have to guess.

BLOGGER'S NOTE: It's Tuesday, I voted at 7:15. Obama.