Client number 9 ... number 9 ... number 9 ... number 9 ...

We use sex to sell almost everything here in America. Video games, movies, music and food, among other things. We even use sex to sell things to allow us to have more sex and (so-called) better sex, which they tell us is longer-lasting sex, which may not be all it's cracked up to be, if you know what I mean.

We have pills designed to give us boners that last 36 hours, pills that make our boners bigger (so they say) and they're advertised on the TV when children and politicians are watching. After a while, it starts to get ingrained in our heads and we start to think that erectile dysfunction is a real disease and that if we're not out boning everything that moves into our field of vision that there's something wrong with us.

The trouble with that idea is that not every woman in America is all that anxious to bone us. So, we're left to pay for the privilege, and there is no shortage of women who are willing to accept money for the wanker. However, lots of guys are either physically repulsive, unable to attract the women who they desire or unwilling to accept the fact that society has sold them a bill of goods that is beyond their reach. That's where the conflict starts.

Where it becomes fascinating to me is when the very sex we tell people they need is used against them. Generally, it involves prostitutes and/or a romp with a person of the same sex - which is also sex, even though we don't sell that.

When someone is caught with a prostitute, it's seen as a heinous crime against society - especially if they're married. If they're single, they're merely sexual deviates who need counseling and should resign from whatever job they hold and hang their heads in shame because they wanted the sex. Married people are immoral if they act out their sexual desires, and if they pay for it, they have a lot of explaining to do.

When the sex involves money it's doubly intriguing. When it involves stolen or misappropriated money, it's a public issue. In case you've been living under a rock or a deep snowbank during the week, New York governor Elliot Spitzer has been accused of spending thousands of dollars on prostitutes over an extended period of time, and was caught on a federal wiretap. The dollars used to belong to the State of New York and came from its taxpayers. Now, they belong to prostitutes which, they tell us, is a bad thing.

That's interesting to me because whenever government spends money on things that are either over-priced or generally useless, we get assed-up about it and tell them that they shouldn't do it anymore. The Bush Administration has spent billions on things like that, and even thinks enough of it to give them catchy names like No Child Left Behind and The Clear Skies Initiative and The Iraq War. A fortune pissed away.

Elliot, on the other hand, used the money to get a government-subsidized blow job, which may or may not have been a better use of the funds than The Iraq War and certainly better than No Child Left Behind. So, maybe we're being a little hard on [there ya go] Elliot. Maybe that money was being used in the best manner possible. After all, it's tough being governor of New York. It's a big state and a guy needs a break now and then. I'd bet, if you asked every resident of the state to donate a dollar to the "Get Elliot a Nobber Fund", they could raise millions. You might even be able to get matching funds from the Feds if you could prove it made more sense than spending it on the war.

On Monday, when the scandal broke, prosecutors said in court papers that Spitzer had been caught on a wiretap spending $4,300 with the Emperors Club VIP call-girl service, with some of the money going toward a night with a prostitute named Kristen, and the rest to be used as credit toward future trysts. The papers also suggested that Spitzer had done this before.

There's Elliot and his wife. Their expressions speak volumes. Elliot has that speechless look that guys get when they're caught doing something that they know if they continue talking about, they're only going to make matters worse. His wife appears to be heavily sedated. I've seen several photos and she looks like that in just about every one. I can't say I blame her.

Politicians drag the wives out when things get tough. It shows the "family" angle, and we love the family here in America - almost as much as the sex. Jim McGreevey dragged his equally sedated wife (nee Beard) out with him to announce that he was a "Gay American" [flag salute], and bathroom stall creep Senator Larry Craig dragged his wife along to assure us that his behavior was misinterpreted because after all, he was a Christian man who usually sticks his foot into the other person's stall and knocks in code when he's taking a dump. All guys do.

Elliot's just another horny guy doing what we keep telling him to do. Go out and get yourself some. His big mistake was (a) using State money and (b) getting caught. Now, we'll hear a lot of heartfelt apologies which would never have come if he had not been caught. When people apologize after they're caught and tell us that they regret their actions, what they're really telling us is that they regret being stupid enough to get caught. Otherwise, the behavior would have continued until the money ran out.

Now, I guess, he's going to have to give up his cushy job as Governor of New York, because he let the little head do the thinking. That's kind of dumb.

But, you know, he's a guy doing what society wants guys to do. That's probably a simple explanation, but sometimes the simple explanations are the right ones.