Oh death, where is thy sting?

As long as I am forced to spend time in a grocery store I know I will never suffer from writer's block. [put on some writing music]

I'm a spoiled guy. The supermarket is right next door (practically) and I spend a lot of time wandering back and forth for a couple of things. I probably use the Express lane more than anyone. [everybody has a skill]

Today, in a fit of spontaneous decision-making, I figured I'd do a proper shopping trip. The old snowbound stock-up on all manner of food, so that whatever peculiar craving might strike me for lunch on Thursday - there it will be in the pantry or freezer. The ancillary benefit of the short trip is that it minimizes my time in the actual structure, so as to be of particular benefit to my overall psychiatric well-being. [So, I have that going for me]

I feel funny buying the "Family Size" of anything, since I don't have a family. I feel like it's a shopping violation. Like I'd be falsifying records or something. Don't they check on stuff like that? I think they do.

The guys who put "Long Lasting" on the cat litter bags evidently have never owned a cat or smelled the potpourri of feces and urine that makes me wish the cat litter would last longer. It's really unfair that such beautiful animals (tigers and lions too) should have such a vile stench emit from their bodies. It's that whole "territory marking" bit, I know, but geez - the cat isn't about to lose his spot. You'd think they would have bred that out of house cats by now.

I spend a lot of money on paper to wipe stuff up with. Paper towels, tissues and the oddly named bathroom tissue - like we're wiping our noses with that stuff. A product like that, you'd figure they could call anything and people would buy it. You have to, right? You could call it Asspaper, Pooper Swooper or Super Pooper Swooper for those really tough jobs. It's one of those things we have to buy, right? Tell me everybody buys this stuff. Please.

I'm brand-loyal to everything except laundry detergent. Whatever name brand is cheapest. There's always one on sale for less than half of the rest of them. That's for me. This week it was Dynamo, so I'm expecting a dynamic improvement over my previous half-off brand. I'm thinking that chemically, there isn't a huge difference between brands, anyway. They get this weird following and people figure that they can only use one brand. Odd.

Cart stalkers. There's always that one person who is going around in the opposite way that you keep running into in every other aisle. By the third time, we've run out of little smiles and nods that it becomes kind of awkward. Sometimes, I'll intentionally turn around and go the other way just to break it up a little. [too much planning?]

I'm really funny about getting my refrigerated and frozen goods home in the quickest way possible. Psychotically, I buy my soy milk and frozen goods last, run to the check-out and race home. Have you ever seen un-refrigerated soy milk? It has a viscosity factor like 20W50 motor oil and smells like something you'd throw cat litter on. I know that can't happen on such a short trip - I'm psychotic, not stupid. I guess it's a form of OCD, but if that's the compulsive disorder that I have, then I'll deal with it. If I start running back into the house to flip the light switch on and off by some prime number, then I'll have to check into someplace run by a former president's wife.

There it is, the exciting (dare I say) dynamic life of a modern bachelor. A modern bachelor with a house full of food and all the paper goods he needs to clean up after himself or his cat in whatever manner necessary.

Life is good.

Extra credit to anyone who can successfully tie-in the image at the top-left to the essay.

... without clicking on it and looking at the name of the image.

Cheaters.