18,262 days in the belly of the beast.

"Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory."

- Susan B. Anthony

Jesus Horatio Christ, I'm fifty years old. Today. At 5:30pm EDT if you're doing a zodiac chart. Don't do a zodiac chart.

I've never been 50 before. Part of me figures, "what the Hell?" and dismisses it as a meaningless number, while the other part is starting to feel like a geezer with fewer days remaining than behind him. Lucky for me, the geezer part is only about one-tenth.

I still feel younger than my age, and judging from what I see, I'm running at a higher speed than most 50-year old's I know. Those are good things. Of course, we're living in a world where obesity and cardiovascular disease are more common than a head cold, so the comparison is losing its value.

I don't want to develop into one of those Lincoln Continental drivers with the ballcap and brake addiction. I like my little car and I haven't yet felt the need to be safe and inflict that feeling on the rest of the world by taking up more space and doing it slower than everybody else. I'm still shopping at American Eagle and take a certain measure of pride out of screwing up their demographics. I have no idea of knowing whether or not I look ridiculous, but from what I see I'm not dressing any differently than any 30-something. Khaki pants, polo shirt and casual shoes. Standard stuff, right?

I'm a little insecure about that and I slowly realized that my fashion sense was paralyzed from the brain down when I was in my 20s. I feel like I'm fashionable now, but I truly won't know until 2012, when I see a picture and wonder, "How could I have worn that?" [Hint: I'm wearing it now]. The other part of me doesn't give a fat rat's ass what anybody thinks. That part is about nine-tenths.

So, here I sit. Half a century old. I remember The Beatles original Ed Sullivan appearance and the Phillies 10-game losing streak in 1964. I watched every rocket launch starting with the Gemini program, and stayed up really late to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon in 1969. I watched The Monkees, I Dream of Jeannie and F Troop before they were on Nick at Nite. By the way, I wonder if there was ever a porno flick called F Troop? It's a good name for one.

I voted for Jimmy Carter, drove a Pinto, have listened to and owned every format change of recorded music (except the Victrola), saw The Odd Couple in a movie theater and watched my father be buried before he reached the age I am now. Lucky for me, mom is 85.

Those "milestone" numbers annoy me. We assign some vital importance to something because its number ends in a zero. Really, how much different am I from when I was 48? Not much.

Younger women stopped looking at me when I got to 42, so it's been downhill for a while now. Meeting someone younger and starting your age with a '4' is tough. '5' is impossible. I'm seeing ads for 50s Plus Singles clubs. Egad. Am I reduced to that? Do I want to meet a 58-year old? It ain't right. Itaint. I'm not anxious to join a "50s Plus" anything, and that includes the AARP membership offer I got last week. Fourteen bucks a year to have a constant reminder of my advancing age. I'll wait on that one.

Meanwhile, the days pass and they somehow seemed to slip away. I guess we can't concentrate on absorbing every moment, but it sure seems like those things are more important now than they were then. Once we realize we lived through history we develop this weird perspective as though we have a unique viewpoint because we saw something that at least half the people alive didn't see in person. That's a little haughty, but it's that 'old-timer' attitude that usually is accompanied by a waving finger.

I'm turning into one of those old-timer's. My younger co-workers will have some idea or approach that is historically wrong, and I feel it's my duty to give them the benefit of my experience. Usually, it is accompanied by a story about something that I screwed up. "Don't do what I did, kids."

I think I've screwed up more than I've not. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am now. Of course, I could be at Broad and Chestnut with a paper cup and a tarp, but I could also be something more than what I am. Perspective is good, but it is usually accompanied by harsh reality. Unless you're a happy and successful person, the reality ain't all that colorful. Itaint.

But, like losing streaks and the Carter presidency, we can't go back and change anything. So, in the words of George Costanza, "Onward and upward."

A FIFTY HAIKU:

Fifty years old now.

It's a sad state of affairs,

but better than dead.