Schadenfreude. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em - and you can't beat 'em.

Schadenfreude is enjoyment taken from the misfortune of someone else. German philosopher and sociologist Theodor Adorno defined it as "the largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another which is cognized as trivial and/or appropriate".

The Chinese call it xìngzāi lèhuò, or 幸災樂禍 - an old idiom that directly translates to "enjoying other's calamity and laughing at other's misfortune".

Yesterday, we discussed (well, I discussed) the opportunity in power tools brought about by the newfound gas-siphoning habit. Now, we will discuss (I will discuss) another opportunity to take advantage of the coming apocalypse. Spam. It's more than junk e-mail.

Hormel foods. What? What's a Hormel, you may ask. Hormel makes Spam, a breakfast treat enjoyed by millions of people who don't otherwise care about what they're putting into their body. So, why not take advantage of others' hardships and make some dough on that pasty meat-filler product? Ticket symbol: HRL.

Sales of Spam — that much maligned meat — are rising as consumers are turning more to lunch meats and other lower-cost foods to extend their already stretched food budgets. Food prices are increasing faster than they've risen since 1990, at 4 percent in the U.S. last year, according to the Agriculture Department. Spam's maker, Hormel Foods Corp., reported last week that it saw strong sales of Spam in the second quarter, helping push up its profits 14 percent. According to sales information coming from Hormel, provided by The Nielsen Company, Spam sales were up 10.6 percent in the 12-week period ending May 3.

Since you've probably missed the boat on the rise of McDonald's stock and have probably taken a hit over the big chill that has hit high-end retailers like Starbucks, Whole Foods Markets and Sharper Image, here is the next big thing, as they say. Schadenfreude.

Screw the hoi polloi. We're all doomed, so why not make a few bucks while the ship is sinking? They say you can't take it with you, but at least you can count it on the way down. The higher food and energy prices become, the more things "regular" people like us are going to have to sacrifice to keep our heads above water, which means paying the mortgage and cable TV.

People like Dick Cheney have made a fancy living off the lower class struggles, so why shouldn't you get in on the party? The higher prices get, the more popular junk like Spam and fast food will become. 99-cent value meals will be the new caviar. Hoards of families will flock to the local fast food joint or the bargain aisle of the supermarket and let the cholesterol and fat be damned. The kids gotta eat. How long do you think we can stretch $30,000 a year when it takes fifty bucks to fill the gas tank and $300 a month to heat the place? Think about it. It ain't pretty, and neither is Spam.

We're already the fattest people on the planet, and the rising costs of energy and food will do nothing to stem that tide, so why not take advantage of others' distress? Spam is 170 calories per serving and 140 of them come from fat. You do the math. Next on the list will be cholesterol drugs (Pfizer) and health care (Humana) But, one crisis at at time.

To be fair, that "suffering" and "other's calamity" involves me too, but I still ain't eating Spam.

Well, I'm off. It seems Tide needs my help. I received a distressed e-mail: In an effort to help Tide better meet your needs, you're invited to take a brief, 5 to 10 minute survey regarding your opinions and feelings about laundry. Your answers will be completely confidential. That's nice. I wouldn't want my innermost feelings about laundry to be plastered all over the Internet.

Let's keep my dryer sheet habit between us, OK?