Quiet, please!

There are a couple of sports that I enjoy watching on television, but don’t play – golf and tennis. Both were on this weekend, and as usual, they left me with more than a few questions about what in Hell is going on.

The intrigue at the Deutsche Bank Championship in Massachusetts on Monday centered on the battle between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. At one point, Michelson was 5 strokes ahead with about half a round left. The commentators (Johnny Miller and Jim Nance) anointed Phil the champion and started talking about his win in the past tense. Pack up the clubs, Tiger. You have officially been pronounced dead.

Those of us with healthy skepticism knew that Phil is rather famous for coughing up leads and making stupid, ill-advised shots when all he needs to do is lay up and keep playing. The best player in the world still had 10 holes left, but the TV guys felt like they had to be the first to tell us who had won – before it happened.

The golf course is a quiet, almost pastoral setting and any little disruption in the peace causes players to panic. At one point, the wind started swirling and Tiger stepped back from a shot. The commentator said that “He likes to control his world, and he hates the swirling wind.” Lighten up, Tiger. If you think you can control the wind, maybe golf is a little beneath your abilities.

Later, both players rolled in dramatic birdie putts, which made Miller proclaim, “If you don’t like that, go watch tennis!” I took his advice.

They’re playing the U.S. Open in Queens and much like the golf course, you are asked to be quiet at the tennis court, too. Here, a guy with a microphone announces “Quiet, please” if the crowd is overly supportive before a player serves. At one point, a couple and their baby had the unmitigated gall to get up from their seat and walk out while the match was going on. This elicited boos from the crowd, since standing up and moving (no matter how far you are from the court) is verboten. I’m pretty sure the player couldn’t see it.

Then, there’s the noise issue. Players grunt and scream on almost every shot. One player grunts a second after he hits the ball. However, if the crowd screams, they are told to be quiet. I think the players are more distracting than the audience, and I’m waiting for the day when one of the players asks another to be “quiet, please.”

Roger Federer should try hitting a John Smoltz curve ball with people screaming in his ear and fans walking around behind him. Golf and tennis take themselves too seriously sometimes. Could James Blake serve if a wave suddenly broke out at Arthur Ashe stadium? Smoltz can still pitch.

To paraphrase Sergeant Hulka, “Lighten up, tennis.” There’s a minor battle of wills going on between fans and authority. The authority will win, because it ultimately does, but society is increasingly distracted with cell phones and other devices. We sing along at concerts and now more than ever ordinary people are TV stars. Videots, Rich Hall used to call them - the people who insist on being part of the show by waving or screaming. Golf and tennis will resist, but as older fans die and younger ones enter, the battle will heat up.

The players look aggravated. I don't think I'd want to piss off a guy who can serve a tennis ball 130mph. You'll be crapping fuzz for months.