Pipe Dreams

I think I want to start growing marijuana in my house. I have lots of closet space, and I could empty one out and throw it to the Goodwill. It beats the crap out of growing some stupid plant that all you can do is look at or smell. This takes gardening to the next level. Hey, I can't grow corn or some other cash crop, so how many other choices does a condo dweller have?

Of course, I would need some equipment. One of those hydroponic deals with the giant thousand watt growing lights, and some seeds. Ya gotta have seeds. See, you didn't think I knew what I was talking about, did you?

The electric bills would kick my ass. And who's to say that a giant red flag wouldn't go up at the local power company when they looked at my usage.

"Um ... sir, I see that every month for the last twelve, your electric bill has been fifty-one dollars."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, last month your bill was five-hundred and ten."

"Must be a misprint."

"Computers do it."

"Oh ... I um ... left the stereo on."

"Must be a really big stereo."

The biggest, baby. OK so, maybe I couldn't pull it off here in the condo cigar box but you know I don't have half the balls it takes to operate something like that. My nerves would be so frazzled I'd have to smoke dope to get over the migranes. And how could I know that the cat wouldn't eat the stuff all day? I don't know nothing 'bout growing anything so, I'd have to hire a Mexican to come in twice a week, and besides, it's hot enough up here already.
I'd be the jackass who would blurt out something incriminating, since I say whatever's on my mind. Some innocent comment:

"Man, that Sun is really bright today."

"I don't have any bulbs."

"Huh?"

"Um ... for growing pot.

Dumbass. And the plants probably stink, too. Everybody in this building has a dog, and they'd be barking all day. And where do you even dry the stuff out? Hang it up, I bet. Like I could do that in this little place. Maybe if I rented one of those storage bins? They'd probably check. Then I'd have to sell it. Well ... some of it. Geez.

Oh, Hell. Thanks for walking this through with me. I guess it's back to the Heineken.