Men at lunch

Since most of my readers are women, allow me to clue you into some of the things that men have going on in their manbrains. Generally, these things surface over the lunch table, where men are men and women are supposed to be subservient.

THE SCENE: Our cafeteria at work.

[A lunch bag opens]

HIM: Let's see what my wife packed me for lunch today.

ME: [smirking and raising one eyebrow]

HIM: Ohh ... baloney and cheese. [sounding mildly disgusted]

ME: Are these [holding out my hands] working? You could make your own sandwich, no?

HIM: [Looking perplexed] Well, everybody has their purpose.

At this point I want to hit him with a chair, but I have to work with these people, so I deftly changed the subject.

MOTTO: Anything worth complaining about is worth doing something about. If you don't like the sandwich, make the Goddammed thing yourself, buy something or shut the f*** up.

THE SCENE: The same cafeteria at work on a different day.

I pack my lunch every day. Lately, I have been mixing vegetables with chicken parts or turkey meatballs. It's better than it sounds.

A DIFFERENT HIM: What do you have today? [peering into my Tupperware quizzically]

ME: It's chicken and veggies.

HIM: Oh. Do you buy that together or ...

A moment. The "or" as a sentence-ender is particularly grating, but I digress.

ME: No, I buy the Birds Eye frozen veggies and Purdue chicken parts and mix them up.

[I feel like I'm telling him how to build a house. I felt the need to explain the process in its entirety...]

ME: The vegetables are in the freezer section of the supermarket, and I just buy them. The Purdue chicken is pre-cut and cooked. All I have to do is mix them together and microwave them. Lunch for five bucks. Ya can't beat it, even at McDonald's.

HIM: Hmmm.

What he is thinking is that he will go home and tell his wife to buy these things when she goes to the grocery store, because he hasn't a clue.

It should be noted that both "Him's" have stay-at-home wives who probably feel as though they are caring for an infant child in addition to the children they are already caring for.

I'm guessing that neither of these guys ever had to feed themselves or be particularly self-sufficient in any way. What I'm doing isn't nearly rocket science, which is what makes it particularly interesting that other men feel like I have a special skill, when all I'm doing is breaking open some packages, mixing them together and heating it in the microwave. As far as I'm concerned, it's the least I can do. And yes, I packed my own lunch when I was married, too.

On May 21, 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly the Atlantic Ocean alone. Seventy five years later and there are still women who pack lunches. If any of these men were married to Amelia Earhart, they would starve to death until she flew home; in which case, they would have starved to death.