I went all the way to Alabama and all I got was this lousy trophy.

Paula Creamer won her second tournament of the 2007 season - The Mitchell Company LPGA Tournament of Champions. Don't ask me what The Mitchell Company does. I hope it isn't in the oil drilling business or responsible for making fur from baby seals.

Not only did she win, but she was 20 under par and won the thing by 8 strokes over somebody named Birdie Kim (really). She would have tied the course record, but she bogeyed the 18th hole on Sunday, her first bogey since the front 9 on Thursday.

Choker.

As for the scorecard, I don't think you have to be a golfer to appreciate all these little circles. There are 23 of them. [How's that for a scorecard, Sparky?]

The tournament took place in Mobile, Alabama, so it might be a good idea to check on Paula later to make sure she made it home.

Thankfully, she gave me something to watch instead of our pitiful Eagles who won also, but at this point, does it matter?

As for me, I spent Sunday morning doing something I've never done before. Riding a mountain bike on some local trails with a group from the local bike shop. I suppose it shows that I can be talked into anything, and once I say "yes", I am committed. I thought about calling in sick or faking an epileptic seizure, since the 'game time' temperature was near freezing, but I'm a man of my word, so off I went.

I anticipated tumbling at least once, and my only hope was that it wouldn't be into a tree or a protruding root.

For those of you unaware, I'm a long-time road rider who regards sticks, twigs, stones and gravel as obstacles and views roadways with lines down the middle and large sweeping curves as a challenge. It took a good deal of trust to count on a bicycle to carry me over such things, but three shock absorbers and large tires were enough to do the job.

The shop loaned me a $3,000 bike, which either speaks to their lunacy or their desire to get me interested in trail riding. Fortunately for both of us, I didn't mangle it. I did mangle myself a little, though. At one point, after climbing over some purposely placed logs, I headed downhill. I got a little spooked and grabbed for the brakes - which turned out to be a mistake. I tumbled over the handlebars and landed squarely on my head and neck, and I swear [Your Honor] I heard a cracking noise. Having lost the bike, I rolled over and started to feel for my limbs and evaluate whether I needed to continue to lie there or get up and dust myself off. Fortunately, the ground was soft with the autumn leaves and since I was headed downhill, I rolled a bit. I think I tumbled over the handlebars and the bike tumbled over me. I'd like to see a video replay.

I did injure my upper trapezius, which is (I suppose) that cracking noise I heard. It's a good thing the TV is directly in front of me, so I didn't have to turn my head to watch Paula today. Any crash you can walk away from is a good one - so they say - and I'm still walking. I had a few other minor spills, but I managed to make it through the nearly two hours without drastically embarrassing myself, so I have that going for me. I think I did pretty well, considering I've never been on a mountain bike before and had never seen that course before. I learned a few things:

• Speed is your friend. The slower you go the better chance you have of falling.
• Don't slow down.
• Learn to turn. On the road, there are only sweeping turns which you can lean into. On the trail, the turns are sharper and more drastic.
• Don't wear anything you aren't afraid to ruin. I have several articles soaking in pre-wash.
• Don't ride too close to the person in front of you. They'll slow down or stop and you will have to, too.
• Trust the bike. It's expensive for a reason.
• Don't use the front brake. Chances are, you'll tumble over and injure your upper trapezius.
• Did I mention not to slow down?

I think I did OK. But, you'd have to ask the people I was riding with, since the whole thing was mostly a blur. I heard a lot of screaming and howling from some of the others in the group, but I only managed three obscenities, which I understand is on the low side.

And nobody had a camera, so I won't show up on that Tom Bergeron TV show.