Friday, June 28, 2019
Are We There Yet?
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Another Slice of (my) Life
Let’s see if I can properly describe this. (Stream of consciousness posting)
From the beginning, over the last year I became friends with a woman in my exercise classes. I always suspected that she was married, and after asking a few people, it turned out I was correct. However, that didn’t deter me from continuing to be her friend, as it should not have. She is loud, profane, fun, and smart - and she is petite and muscular, which I find amazingly sexy. I like everything about her.
Over the past several months, I found out that she was going through a lengthly divorce, and had hired a forensic accountant to examine his books, since he was stashing money away in separate accounts. “It could take a year,” she told me. OK then, whatever, Where am I going?
Last week, she invited me to go out after work with some other friends from our gym. It’s kind of a private group, and inviting me was entirely on her end. It’s kind of like a third-party invite - but I accepted it anyway. I like her, and I want to stay in her peripheral vision until such time that I can ask her out on a real date - and not a date with a bunch of other people.
I knew that not everyone in the group would want me to attend. It may come as a shock to you, but I am not universally well-liked. Some people can’t stand the sight of me, and while they tolerate me in the “gym setting,” when it comes to social interaction, they would probably rather have electrodes attached to their private parts than to see me out in public. Nevertheless.
I arrived earlier than I should, and walked into the bar and took a look around. I saw two people at a table who I would describe as in the last paragraph, so I retreated to my car. I waited for my “girl” to walk in, and serriptously entered and took a seat at the bar. I sat there for about a minute, and she came over and tapped me on the shoulder and invited me over to their table. “Perfect,” I thought. “I don’t have to look like a schmuck who walked in and invited himself.” Instead, I could make it appear as though she asked me over and I just sat down - which is exactly what happened. For once, I did something right. Battle won.
There were six people at the table. Two of which I didn’t know (so that means they had no opinion of me) one who knew me, and I’m assuming was happy to see me, and the other two who probably would rather have their vulvas removed than to see me in public. They barely made eye contact with me.
We sat for a while, chatting and ordering drinks and food. I’m pretty sure I behaved myself, although seeing her in regular street clothes and not schmatta gym wear was quite a shock to my system. Although, a couple of things gnawed at me afterward:
ONE: Among the conversation at the table, there was a lot of gossip about other people at our gym and what was going on in their personal lives, and some speculation. I couldn’t help but wonder if me and my “girl” would be part of that gossip later, since she asked me over and we shared a bar/food tab. We certainly looked like a couple.
TWO: The two people who dislike me were amazingly dismissive of my presence, and said “good night” to everyone at the table but me. I hope my being there would not deter them from inviting my friend to future events, since she asks me to join her.
THREE: I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have often regretted not saying things that I thought I should have said. During our evening together, I told her “the more time I spend with you, the more I like you.” And, when we parted company afterward, I told her “you’re terrific,” which I guess sounds odd, but I really like her, and I don’t want to allow an opportunity to elude me while I have a chance to tell her how I feel.
I don’t know where any of this is going. My gut is telling me that I am making too much of her interest in me. Although, I can’t imagine that she would invite me to these things if she didn’t have some feelings, too.
I hope I’m not setting myself up for another major disappointment.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
I’m Thinking it Over (Scenes From a Marriage Part Seven)
I remember (back to my marriage again) sitting in our living room, making out checks for our bills, and writing one for $50 to American Century to contribute to my IRA. The wife sees it and says, "What's that for?"
When I told her, she replied, "What do you need that for?"
You wouldn't think it would be difficult to explain, but it was for a 30-something who was overly concerned that he wouldn't have enough saved for his retirement and thought that an extra fifty bucks here and there could actually amount to something.
For the record, the S&P 500 was at 420 in 1992. It sits at around 2,800 today - so you tell me.
It was discouraging, so say the least, that I thought enough about my (and her) future to dare invest money in such a scam as the stock market. She worked for the state, and had some 503[something] state-funded retirement plan to lean on. My counter-argument was "well, don't depend on the state government to take care of you in your retirement." Hate to tell you, but I was right. The state is having difficulty funding its retirement plan and is in the process of cutting it. Nevertheless.
In a year or two, I found that she had taken a life insurance policy out on herself. Fine, I thought. Good thinking - in case you accidentally fall down a flight of stairs or that gun misfires into your face for some odd reason.
When I asked, "Who is the beneficiary?" I thought it would be a rhetorical question: "Why, you dear, of course," was my mythical in my head answer.
Instead, what I found out was that her sister was the beneficiary. OK, then.
When I asked, "Why?" [a reasonable question] I was told that "you don't believe in life insurance." I never reconciled that answer, and told her that she was not only the beneficiary of my insurance policy through my job, but also the beneficiary of my retirement plan at work AND the IRA that I had opened - as noted earlier.
The moral of this little tale is: Look out for yourself, because you're all you have.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Returning to the Mundane for a Minute
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Scenes from a Marriage - Part Six
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Scenes from a Marriage - Part Five
I proposed to her on her birthday. Not a bit clever, I suppose, but then - what else? I took her to a nice dinner at The Riverview in Carney's Point (luxurious for New Jersey) and even got down on one knee after dinner to spring my big-time $300 diamond engagement ring on her. She figured something was up. We had been dating for about a year-and-a-half, and I guess we both figured, "it's now or never." (another song)
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Scenes from a Marriage - Part Four
I do not remember when exactly it was during my time with my future ex-wife that it happened. It was certainly after she left the company that we had both worked for, and in one of those periods where I felt like maybe - we weren't meant to be together.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Scenes From a Marriage - Part Three
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
Scenes From a Marriage - Part Two
It comes upon you gradually. One incident: I was sitting in a side room, listening (on headphones) to a song by David Sylvian. The lyrics got to me:
I fall outside of her
She doesn't notice
I fall outside of her
She doesn't notice at all
And mine is an empty bed
I think she's forgotten.
I was weeping. She heard me, and came into the room. “What is it now?” She asked, in an accusatory tone.
“You don’t love me anymore,” was my reply.
A moment passed, and she just turned and walked out. My suspicions confirmed.
Much later - or perhaps soon, I cannot recall - she had planned a trip to visit her old college roommate (see part one) and her now husband and their new baby in Houston. Being a child of the space program, I volunteered to accompany her.
“Oh man - I’d love to go to Houston,” I said.
“No - you’ll be bored. It’s just going to be me, Jane (her sister) and the baby,” she said.
“I’ll rent a car, go the Johnson Space Center. You can do what you want. You’ll never know I was there.”
“No. We aren’t going to do anything. Just visit with the baby.” So I was told.
OK, then. I was never a fan of the separate vacations. Always thought it was a symptom of a failing relationship. After all, what’s the point of going on vacation by yourself? I let her go.
While I spent a five-day weekend at home alone, I stewed over the decision, but figured, “Well - maybe I would be bored.” Um.
She got home, and greeted me with ... a t-shirt and program from ... The (fucking) Johnson Space (fucking) Center. And, a receipt from some water park outside of Houston and a botanical garden of some sort. Where was the baby in all of this?
I was furious. Not only did she lie to me about the trip, but she brought home souvenirs from the one place that I wanted to see, and thought that I would be happy to see it.
In a fit of Herculean strength, I tore the program in half - and threw the t-shirt in her face, proclaiming, “Give this to one of your friends at work!” I have no idea what happened to the shirt, but I know that the program wound up in the recycling bin.
Go ahead and do what you want, just don’t lie to me about it. At that point, I knew the marriage was over and my trust in her was done.
Seeking love outside of my marriage would now become a priority. Vengeance is a horrible feeling to have, and an even worse wish to fulfill, but I would find it somehow.
The end was near.
Monday, April 1, 2019
Scenes From a Marriage - Part One.
Once, while we were dating, we were at the Philadelphia Zoo, and she said, "I have a proposition for you," and proposed a weekend in Cooperstown, New York at a Bed and Breakfast. She set up a Thanksgiving weekend. Once we got there, she turned me away, saying "I hate to disrupt your little love-nest." Whoa. Didn't you propose this thing? She made me feel like I was in the wrong for expecting something. Needless to say, there wasn't a TV or enough alcohol at the B&B to make it worthwhile.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Mein Kampf (My Struggle)
It gets more difficult. Hear me, millennials. You know who you are. Your "everybody gets a trophy" and "participation award" lifestyle is a farce, and you will have to face up to it sooner than later. Get a grip on your life and start (or stop) doing these things:
- Stop thinking that every stupid thing that comes down the pike is necessary and you have to have it. You do not.
- Start saving for your future. It's coming sooner than you think. It certainly came sooner than I thought, and I started saving for it relatively soon. You can start with as little as $5 at a time on stash.com and acorns.com. Ask me, and I'll tell you. And yes, little bits add-up. It's called "the power of compounding" Do a Google search on your fucking phone.
- Get off your fucking phone. It is a distraction. Continue to live your life free of distractions. You will come to realize the beauty of the world around you without your face in your phone.
- Realize that the world isn't here to serve you. You have to look out for yourself because nobody else will. You cannot depend on anyone to make your dreams come true or realize your future, because they really ... don't give a shit about you and your dreams. They care about their own, and the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.
- Stop spending money on crap. You think it's something you need, but it really isn't. You don't need the latest "thing," you are told you do, but you really do not. Get along with what you got along with, and you will be just as happy.
- Don't believe everything you hear. The Internet is full of crap, and most of it is just that - crap.
- Think for yourself, because I won't be there with you -- John Lennon. Can't get more real than that.
Brother Cane
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Stay in Your Lane
I have lived my life thinking that we are all "created equal." As I grow older, and find myself at the tail end of my working career, I have come to question that philosphy. In fact, we are not all created equally, and I have come to realize that I should not only realize that, but also endeavor to "stay in my lane." That is, maintain relationships with people in my economic strata and ignore those outside of it.
As I and some of my co-workers enter our so-called "retirement" at my company, discussions about our personal finances and prospects for life after work have come to center stage, and the more of them I hear, the more I feel like I should stay in my lane.
When the 38 of us met in the company’s conference room in November, I looked around and realized that I was at the low end of the pay scale. I have never been part of management, and certainly not a Director or Vice President of anything, as many of my co-workers have been. Being on my own for the majority of my life there, I have also never been privileged to have a working spouse or fortunate enough to have someone to lean on financially.
While it is true that I can turn ten dollars into twenty dollars, it is also true that I could never turn a thousand dollars into two thousand dollars, because all I have is ten dollars. And, there’s the rub. I have co-workers who complain that the recent market downturn has cost them "a half a million dollars." OK, then. It cost me far less than that. I’d be privileged if any downturn cost me a half million dollars.
Matching six percent of my 28 years worth of meager salary is nowhere near the six percent of others’ salaries which were twice mine, and included management bonuses and other perks. I did the best I could with what I had, and it never occurred to me how far away I was from the others until this retirement package came up. Most of them will actually retire. I will have to continue to work until I feel like I have enough money to get me through to my death - whenever I anticipate that to be. Since I am nearly 62, it’s not a pleasant thing to think about.
It all reminded me of a tenet of my life that I have tried to adhere to. Stay in your lane. Associate with your own kind. Trying to keep up with those who are above your financial or social strata enduces heartache and stress. I can’t keep up with people who earn twice my salary or who are part of a larger social group, and it is too much of a strain on my life to try. It is healthful to realize my place. I am a single, lonely, lower-middle-class peon who will struggle throughout his life to maintain any semblance of a healthy lifestyle. Without gainful employment, my life will be day-to-day, and it will benefit me to realize this and not try to measure myself against those who have had traveled an easier road.
I’ll keep turning ten dollars into twenty, but I will never have any more than that.