Twosies.

I needed help.

Like the convenience store clerk who suddenly runs out of dollar bills and shouts, "I need ones!" as the guy pays for his small coffee with a twenty. It's that desperate around here, only I have plenty of ones. It's the twos that I'm looking for.

I know these blog things are supposed to be about our lives - hence the name - weblog - but I feel that if I let you too deeply into my life that you would click away and scope out someone that maybe doesn't have the same life problems. On the other hand, perhaps my issues would make you say, "I know where you are brother and I feel your pain." Here's hoping.

And you can't say, "Dude, it never happens to me," because I know you're lying - avoiding the logical joke there - and if you have never needed help then you must be some sort of freak.

Part one of the process (I know you're dying to know) is deciding which remedy would turn the trick (so to speak). I know one or the other works, but I forget. Back and forth I went. This one is "guaranteed" so how could I do better than that? Unlike so many other wonder drugs, there are actually different ingredients in each one, so the trust must be earned somehow.

I must have been tired or desperate, because when I went up to the counter the clerk said "Twenty one fifty." I swore that the price I saw on the shelf wasn't nearly that much, because I can't justify that kind of expense, so I asked if it was right. She looked at the register and verified that we were both seeing the same number. Fortunately for me, my eyes were far away from the problem at hand (so to speak) and I coughed up the money and waddled out the door.

I wasn't asking because I couldn't read. I was asking because I wanted her to check, but she must have sensed my desperation and merely confirmed what the register said. I should have asked for a supervisor, but I figured the fewer people I involved in this the better.

The dosage on the box is of no help. Adults: Take two tablets once a day OR two tablets four times a day. That's a huge swing. Since it was already 7PM, I figured I didn't have time to wolf down 8 pills, so I took the minimum dosage. I'm not that big a guy.

The box also says "gentle yet effective" which is also what they say at those Asian massage parlors - and we all know what happens there. In this case, I'm not sure that gentle and effective need to be in the same sentence, and I'm sure I won't use them that way if it works in the "6 to 12 hours" that they promise.

The whole thing sounds kind of hit or miss. It's the medical equivalent of the weather forecast. They'll tell you stuff, but you really have to wake up and see for yourself.

So, I have to get to bed now. I have a big surprise waiting for me in the morning.

It's like Christmas Eve around here, only you won't want to be under the tree opening any packages.