Sarahjuice

Betelgeuse: Ah, well... I attended Juilliard ... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen "The Exorcist" about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! Not to mention the fact that you're talkin' to a dead guy! Now what do you think? You think I'm qualified?

If Satan wanted to infiltrate society, he wouldn't come back as a devil with horns and a big red spikey tail. He'd come back as a clever figure that we trust and think, "Gee, he's not so bad." That's how the devil is. By the way, that Dick Cheney disguise ... not so good. Just thought I'd tell ya, it didn't fool me for a second.

Now, we have Sarah Palin, the latest Republican Satan disguised as a [quote] normal [unquote] person, with problems and issues "just like you and me," including a pregnant daughter and a child with an affliction. Sounds convincing, right? Add to that the fact that most men over the age of 40 would like to nail her and you have the perfect candidate. Or so it seems. You know that Satan is a shrewd mother. Consider this...

Let's start with the fact that her convention speech was written by one of G.W. Bush's speechwriters. Need I say more? Satan's training ground.

Palin recently said that the war in Iraq is "God's task." She's even admitted she hasn't thought about the war much - just last year she was quoted saying, "I've been so focused on state government, I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq." But you already knew that, but why did she leave God out of her convention speech?

Palin has actively sought the support of the fringe Alaska Independence Party. Six months ago, Palin told members of the group—who advocate for a vote on secession from the union - to "keep up the good work" and "wished the party luck on what she called its 'inspiring convention.'"

Palin wants to teach creationism in public schools. She hasn't made clear whether she thinks evolution is a fact. She left that out too.

Palin doesn't believe that humans contribute to global warming. Speaking about climate change, she said, "I'm not one though who would attribute it to being manmade." Who then? Left it out.

Palin opposes comprehensive sex-education in public schools. She's said she will only support abstinence-only approaches. How has that worked out for you? She left that out.

As mayor of Wasilla (a town of 7,025), Palin tried to ban books from the library. Palin asked the library how she might go about banning books because some had inappropriate language in them - shocking the librarian, Mary Ellen Baker. According to Time magazine, "news reports from the time show that Palin had threatened to fire Baker for not giving "full support" to the mayor." According to Ann Kilkenny, a Democrat who observed City Council, Palin also brought up the idea of banning some books at one meeting, but did not follow through with the idea. She touted the mayor thing, but left out the issues.

In October 1996, she asked the Wasilla police chief, librarian, public works director and finance director to resign, and she instituted a policy requiring department heads to get her approval before talking to reporters. In January 1997, Palin notified the police chief, Irl Stambaugh, and the town librarian, Mary Ellen Emmons that they were being fired. Palin said in a letter that she wanted a change because she believed the two did not fully support her administration. She rescinded the firing of the librarian, but not the police chief. Left out.

In 2006, Palin supported Ketchikan's Gravina Island Bridge, better known outside the state as the Bridge to Nowhere, before she opposed it. Palin claimed that she said "thanks, but no thanks" to the infamous Bridge to Nowhere. But in 2006, Palin supported the project repeatedly, saying that Alaska should take advantage of earmarks "while our congressional delegation is in a strong position to assist." Palin's campaign coordinator in the city, Republican Mike Elerding, remarked, "She said 'thanks but no thanks,' but they kept the money." Democratic Mayor Bob Weinstein also criticized Palin for "using the very term 'bridge to nowhere' that she said was insulting. She kinda lied about that.

In 2002, term limits prevented Palin from running for a third term as mayor. Her stepmother-in-law, Faye Palin, ran for the office but lost the election to Dianne Keller after Sarah Palin endorsed Keller. What?

Palin has strongly promoted oil and natural gas resource development in Alaska, including in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has opposed federal listing of the polar bear as an endangered species, warning that it would adversely affect energy development in Alaska. Oops ... left out the environmental deal. Sorry.

Palin is a long-time member of the National Rifle Association and strongly supports its interpretation of the Second Amendment as protecting individual rights to bear arms, including handguns. The NRA? Forgot about that, didn't she?

Palin also opposes strengthening protections for beluga whales in Alaska's Cook Inlet, where oil and gas development has been proposed. Who needs animals when we can have more oil and natural gas?

In 2007, Palin supported the Alaska Department of Fish and Game policy allowing Alaska state biologists to hunt wolves from helicopters as part of a predator control program intended to increase moose populations. The program was criticized by Defenders of Wildlife and predator control opponents, and prompted California State Representative George Miller to introduce a federal bill (H.R. 3663) seeking to make the practice illegal. In March 2008, a federal judge in Alaska upheld the practice of hunting wolves from the air, though limited its extent. On August 26, 2008, Alaskans voted against ending the state's predator control program.

So go ahead guys, wish you could bone the vice president, but be advised that your potential children will be the spawn of Satan. You'd be better off fucking Cheney in the ass.

Oh ... by the way, that governor's jet plane that she said she "put up on eBay?" Sure she did, but it didn't get any bids and she wound up selling it for a loss. Her campaign promise to sell the Westwind II jet purchased (on a state government credit account, against the wishes of the Legislature) by the Murkowski administration for $2.7 million in 2005 was followed by an August 2007 listing on eBay and later sold for $2.1 million. Loss? Yes. How did she manage to leave that out of her convention speech? Beats me.

She managed to drag the family out and trot them around and spew out a lot of political rhetoric (courtesy of the Bush speechwriters), all the while making herself seem like just one of the gals. A hockey mom. Just like you.

Don't fall for that nonsense. If Satan wanted to gain your trust, he'd surely come back as a former Miss Alaska contestant and, for good measure, he'd win the Miss Congeniality award, and he'd make you wish you could have sex with him.

It's how he works. Then, when you least expect it, he shoots you in the face.

Aaron Altman: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing ... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance ... just a tiny bit.

- "Broadcast News"