Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Don't drink and ... do anything else.

BEVERLY: You're not still writing that thank-you note?
CAROL: I'm on the last page. How do you spell conscience?
BEVERLY: C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so let's go out.
CAROL: I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. How do you spell it again?
BEVERLY: Spencer is okay.
CAROL: I have to finish this letter or I'll go nuts. This can't be right - con science.
MIAMI – Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth was charged Wednesday with killing a pedestrian last month while driving drunk after a night out at a swank South Beach nightspot.
An arrest warrant charging Stallworth, 28, with DUI manslaughter was filed in the March 14 accident that killed 59-year-old Mario Reyes. If convicted, Stallworth would face as many as 15 years in prison.
If we insert our friend mister apostrophe, it becomes man's laughter. Strange thing, this language.
So anyway, here's another strange twist to the story: Stallworth will be prohibited from driving while on bail and not allowed to drink alcohol, according to court documents. He also must observe a 12 a.m. to 6 a.m. curfew and must submit to random alcohol and drug testing through the NFL's substance abuse program.
He isn't allowed to "drink responsibly," which is what the TV tells us to do, and we always do what the TV says.
Miami-Dade State Attorney Katherine Fernandez Rundle in a statement, "I can only repeat this message over and over: if you are going to drink, don't drive." I suppose that leaves us no alternative but to close all the bars. It's either that or do all your drinking at home alone, which they say is the first sign that you're an alcoholic.
Or a pathetic loser with no friends.
But at least I'm not going to Alcatraz.

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