Some products just sell themselves.

I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed.

- Scott Weiland

Did anybody think that this guy looked like your average, run-of-the-mill salesman? If there is such a thing? No.

It's sad to say, but at first glance I figured this guy for a strange creep who might wind up following me home from the mall (or McGillin's Pub) wondering why I don't want to take advantage of his incredible offer - for a towel.

Last month, Vince Shlomi, (first clue - and how many of you knew his name? Zero.) familiar to most as the TV pitchman for the handy household do-dads the ShamWow and Slap Chop, got himself into a very messy situation with a hooker at a hotel, according to a police report located by TheSmokingGun.com.
As detailed in the police affidavit, (that's never good news) on February 7th Shlomi punched a prostitute several times in the face after she chomped down on his tongue and refused to let go. (Several times? Usually, one punch will do the job. Maybe he should have used the Slap Chop?)
The 44-year-old (really?) towel and food chopper salesman (what does he put on his W-4?) claimed he met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami nightclub, according to the police report. He then took her back to his hotel room at the ritzy Setai hotel, where he claims to have paid her $1,000 after she "propositioned him for straight sex."

For one thing, he's over-paying. As a TV pitchman, he should know a bargain when he sees one. For another, "straight sex" is a big mistake.

I bet one of the barganing ploys was how fast the ShamWow would clean up the mess he'd leave.

When Shlomi went to kiss Harris, she "bit his tongue and would not let go," according to the affidavit. Uh-oh. Doesn't he know, you're not allowed to kiss them? Kids.

The Slap Chop pitchman then proceeded to punch Harris in the face until she finally released his tongue, the police report states.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time that's happened to me. Let go of my tongue... Sure.

He ran, bleeding, to the hotel lobby where security summoned police and both Shlomi and Harris were arrested. Police found $930 in Harris' purse, and reported both Shlomi and Harris smelled of alcohol, according to the affidavit.

So, he never gave her the thousand bucks? That's like 25 ShamWow's.

There's a shocker. They smelled of alcohol. If that was the case, I'd be arrested on a nightly basis around here. But then, I don't have hookers knocking on the door. Hey, wait...

Oh, nothing. Never mind.

That ShamWow will sop up that blood in a jiffy, eh Vince?

When asked if she did, in fact, work as a prostitute, Harris declined to comment to TheSmokingGun.com. Although prosecutors decided against formally charging either party, Harris told TheSmokingGun.com she is considering a lawsuit against Shlomi.

Don't they all deny it? That's what I'd do. Meanwhile, Shlomi (Isn't that the best?) is going to be sued. I'd sue him too, for wasting my TV time.

But I'd still ask him to remove his tongue first.