Why do I read the newspaper?

Today was one of those days where almost every newspaper article I read (yes, I still read the newspaper) pissed me off a little.

First, there was Marianne Bessy's editorial about how the Philadelphia Zoo is failing to meet the expectations of the animals they house. No kidding. The reason I can't go to zoos anymore is because I love animals. Strange? No, not if you pay attention. Tigers pace in circles, elephants stand in place and animals that are territorial no longer have a territory. Zookeepers expect animals to give up 2 billion years of evolution so that they can live in a concrete bunker adjacent to a fenced-in yard smaller than your house. It makes me sad, and I think the animals are even more sad.

Then, there was the article about the Philadelphia Eagles' so-called "gentlemen's agreement" (they're two gentlemen short) with the city over an $8 million payment for something or other. Anyway, the gist of the thing was that former Mayor John Street was denying that such an agreement existed. Wouldn't you deny it, if the implications were that you could go to jail over a handshake with the local football franchise? Sure you would.

The other side of it is that the Eagles owner, Jeffrey Lurie was recently named to Forbes Magazine's list of billionaires. That's nice, until you stop to consider that his billion dollars is all on paper. He owns the Eagles, some nice property and an estate granted to him by his family. It's worth billions, sure - but he'd have to sell it all to realize the income. Likewise, I'm worth a few hundred thousand dollars - on paper - until you have to find $2,000 in cash. Then, I have to borrow it because I'm not about to sell my home or cash-in my retirement fund to make up the difference. Billions is relative, my friends.

Another editorial by Leonard Pitts proclaimed that "The War on Drugs is Lost." No fucking kidding. With cigarettes at $7 a pack and people being shot in Mexico, I say legalize the junk and let the weak die off. It makes for more parking spaces for me and a better quality of living for those of us left over. Meanwhile, as I've said before, if they legalized marijuana, I'd never drink again. I think that's better for my overall health, so go ahead and tax the shit out of it like they do for cigarettes and I'll happily pay it if I can stop drinking for five minutes.

Then, an article in the South Jersey section tells us to stop walking on the Interstate highways. Really. Some jackass who (according to the article) drank a bottle of Johnnie Walker and 3 beers (as though he needed the beer) wandered into traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike and was struck by a New Jersey Orchestra bus (they have their own bus) and a truck.

Carlos Grijalva Florian drank a bottle of Johnnie Walker and three beers before his cousin picked him up. He was belligerent in the car, and when his cousin pulled over on the New Jersey Turnpike in South Brunswick to let him cool off, Grijalva Florian got out and started walking on the highway. Soon after, a bus and a tractor trailer hit him, leaving blood and flesh strewn across the road and in the undercarriage of the truck.

So, here's the funny part. A spokesman for the turnpike called it "bad luck." Right. Drink a bottle of whiskey and 3 beers (for fun) and wander into traffic and call it bad luck.

Then, I turn to the TV listings and find that "My Name is Earl" and "The Office" are being pre-empted by the series finale of "ER."

Something ain't right.