Much ado about - something, I guess.

Today's assignment - read and analyze the quotes outlined in bold type:

"I have never used steroids, human growth hormone or any other type of illegal performance-enhancing drugs," Roger Clemens, 45, said in refuting charges first made by Brian McNamee in a report requested by Major League Baseball and conducted by former Senate Democratic leader George Mitchell.
McNamee countered, "When I told Senator Mitchell that I injected Roger Clemens with performance-enhancing drugs, I told the truth." McNamee said he injected Clemens with steroids and human growth hormone, between 1998 and 2001.

Here's your question, class. Is someone lying? Answer (a) for yes or (b) for Hell yes.

Next. Read the following and analyze:

It seemed clear early the committee would not treat Clemens with kid gloves, despite face-to-face meetings he did with representatives in recent days - sometimes posing for photos or signing autographs for staff members. There was one wide-eyed fan moment, when Rep. William Clay, (D-Mo.), relayed to Clemens that a colleague "wants to know what uniform will you wear into the Hall of Fame?"

In the real world, isn't that known as "jury tampering?" Or, maybe I misremembered it. That's a word now, according to Clemens, his "good friend Andy Pettitte misremembers" Clemens' telling him that he used HGH.

My exciting conclusion:

What I can't figure out (among other things) is why the HGH and steroid issue is so big. They call them "performance enhancing drugs". If that's true, then any player who ever took a caffeine tablet, aspirin or any pain medication is guilty of using a performance enhancing drug. Anything that enables an athlete to perform when he otherwise could not is having his performance enhanced. What makes steroids any different than Tylenol?

On the Grammy telecast the other night, Tina Turner had enough Botox in her face to form a small country. She's a hundred years old, and people give her credit for looking half her age. Big deal. If I had access, money and time, I could inject my body with enough drugs to look like an infant. She's enhancing her performance.

Scads of celebrities go in for boob jobs, face lifts, tummy tucks and other such medical enhancements. Otherwise, they'd look like the rest of us, or worse. Who wants to see the "real" Pamela Anderson prancing around on a beach? The fake one is much more fun to look at. She, and others like her, enhanced her body, and enhanced her career by using medical technology to look better. She's enhancing her performance.

Baseball players and other professional athletes do what they have to do to allow them to continue their lucrative careers. If they want to destroy their bodies for our entertainment, I say let them. If you are pro-abortion and believe that a woman's body is her own (as I do) then you'd be a hypocrite to fight against steroid use in pro sports.

We pay these people astronomical sums of money, wear replica uniforms and collect their autographs because we idolize their performance on the athletic field. It doesn't matter whether it's Marion Jones, Barry Bonds, Shawne Merriman or some minor leaguer - we want to see them run faster, hit further and throw faster than anybody else.

If you don't want them using modern technology to be better players, then maybe they should go back to using those tiny gloves like Ty Cobb used, and wearing those flimsy leather shoes and the baggy wool uniforms, too.

Have you seen a modern golf club? The driver head is bigger than a human head. Running shoes cost more than some people make in a week and football players wear padding that could cushion them from a three-story fall. The equipment is performance enhancing.

What athletes do to make their bodies better is none of our business - or the Congress of the United States. Have they ever called a celebrity to testify for using drugs to enhance a performance?

And while we're at it, let's keep this nonsense out of the Sports section of the newspaper. It isn't sports. I'm not even sure it belongs in the newspaper at all.