Low Standards in High Definition

It's Day 4 of the 14 days of Super Bowl. Did you know there are two black head coaches in the game? It sounds like a song, but it's more like a tiny little torture device cooked up by people who know a lot about torture - Televsion executives. Two weeks gives them enough time to examine and re-examine every silly little detail of all the Super Bowl participants and their kids. It's ridiculous to the point that Campbell's soup spokesman Donovan McNabb will be holding a press conference, presumably to talk about soup.

One of the ancillary effects of America's greatest secular holiday is that it spurs sales of wide-screen high-definition televisions. Apparently, people want to see Prince in high definition. As for me, I'd prefer to see him with the sound off, being blind-sided by Tank Johnson - but I digress.

It seems that those high-definition TVs are pretty good for sports, but lousy for porn. That's right, I said porn. A story in our local paper today clued me into a major problem with the TVs:

Adult film producers have discovered that the technology is sometimes not so sexy. The high-definition format is accentuating imperfections in the actors — from a little extra cellulite on a leg to wrinkles around the eyes. Hollywood is dealing with similar problems, but they are more pronounced for pornographers, who rely on close-ups and who, because of their quick adoption of the new format, are facing the issue more immediately than mainstream-entertainment companies.
Producers are taking steps to hide the imperfections. Some shots are lit differently than they would have been before high-def, and some actors simply are not shot at certain angles, or are getting cosmetic surgery, or seeking expert grooming.

Expert grooming? Wow, another career path for people who are too stupid to be proctologists. I can't wait to see high-def pubic hair. And all I need to do is shell out three-grand? Sign me up, dick pump.

"The biggest problem is razor burn," said Stormy Daniels, an actress, writer and director.

That's right, Stormy Daniels. Probably left the Weather Channel for a lucrative career in porn. It's razor burn, just in case you were wondering. I'm sure it was the next question you were thinking of. You probably thought the biggest problem would be genital warts or some kind of vaginal fungus. That's what I would have thought. But, you know, we men (us) can't resist the latest technology, even if it means sacrificing the joys of porn.

"Men are all about outdoing each other, being up with the times, being cool, having the latest technology," she said. "They're willing to sacrifice our vanity and imperfections to beat each other" to high-definition.

Make up your own joke over that one. I'm still reeling from that State of the Union deal.

But, you know, porn isn't the only thing that might not look that great in high-def:

AMSTERDAM (Reuters Life!) - The Netherlands, the country that has pioneered reality shows like "Big Brother," is planning a new first - a dating program for the visibly disfigured. The broadcaster SBS 6 is seeking candidates for its "Love at Second Sight" show due to be launched on February 20.
"Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?" says an appeal on its Web site.

Do I ever! Hoo-boy, when are the auditions? Suddenly, I'm looking pretty hot over there in Amsterdam. The show was originally set to be called "Monster Love", but that offended the Dutch. It's nice to know that they have their standards.

I might have wanted to call it "Fucked-Up and Horny" or "The Amazing Face"

Or ... "The Prize is Fright"

How about "Below-Average Joe"?

"Wheel of Misfortune"

"Dancing with the Scars"

"Fear Factor" oh ... that's taken.