Oh God, what's he writing about now?

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

- Lenny Bruce

While I was out wasting time and precious gasoline on Saturday, it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of opulent churches around. Huge palaces with parking lots the size of a supermarket's are dotting the landscape. Some are more magnificent than gambling casinos, and ironically, look like space vehicles. They're mostly the new ones, and if your area is anything like mine, a new and bigger one goes up every six months or so.

I figured there must be a lot more money in organized religion than even my cynical mind had thought. How else could they build these tax-free palaces? Can it just be from their patrons? I guess the contractors donate a certain amount of time and materials, but still there's maintenance and utility bills to pay. They do pay utility bills, right? Please tell me they do.

Anyway, what I was thinking is that it's an awful scam to be pulling on people, if it turns out that the whole thing is bullshit. Of course, nobody would know that until after they died, which makes it the perfect scam. A Scam of Ages, as it were.

After all, if the 3-card Monty guy scams you on the street, at least you can stick around until after he's done and pummel the crap out of him. There's the revenge factor, which makes any scam flawed from the beginning. Usually, the 3-card Monty guy scams you so fast you don't realize it until you're a safe distance from him, so the likelihood that you'll be able to find him is slim. A near-perfect scam.

However, if it turns out that the poobah's of religion are correct, and there is a better life awaiting us, then maybe the shillings we're being shilled out of could be worth the effort. Some of us calculate those odds as pretty long, but we hedge our bets by tithing and doing "our fair share", even if there's an ulterior motive that may not actually exist. For those, the effort is disingenuous and probably, by its nature, damns them to Hell regardless. So even if they're right, they're wrong - on account of because.

That leaves the small minority of true believers. The ones who literally practice what they preach, lead the good life and abhor anything that they perceive as modern. I don't know how many of them there are, mostly because it's impossible to know. First, they hang in their own closed social circles and kick anyone out who doesn't go along. Secondly, it really isn't possible to narrow down any one religion as the right one. Even if you are a true believer, part of your belief system is tied into the idea that anyone who doesn't practice your religion is damned to Hell. That really narrows down the margin.

So, you'd have to figure that the money that goes into churches and their parent religions is an awful lot of money coming from a small amount of people. I cannot imagine the real, genuine good to society that could come out of a huge chunk of that money from all the schools, parks, energy conservation projects, health care ... God, health care ... you could pay for with that. Subtract out the fact that these Monuments to God do not pay property taxes on the acres of land on which the "complex" is built - not to mention (but I will) the huge tax break that the donors get from giving money to religion, separate from State, but included sometimes. Add and subtract all that stuff and I think the net to society is at best a 50/50 proposition.

I'm not saying that the people who practice a religion are at fault, because I think they get led around by the people they worship who carry their word to their God and feel powerless to resist. They're God's middlemen, and as His representative, you're going against God to go against your human leader/God rep/symbol. Resistance is seen as anti whatever, and your resistance will cause you to be shunned by God. Most religions preach conformity, which is convenient for them since it is the behavior that most benefits religion.

I think by nature, people are good. They can practice any religion they want, but do they need to do it in a castle? They associate the building with their love (which is an odd relationship) and could have given just as much love in their garage or a small tent, but we love you more when you have five air conditioning units outside and a full-size gymnasium - because the body is a temple, just like the building.

They never ask where the money comes from, just as long as it comes. Some of it was probably built with, as Letterman used to say, "mob concrete." Some religions believe that their Lord threw the moneychangers out of the temple, so how's it figure that the moneychangers are building the temples now?

Just pray that God isn't dealing cards, because you'll be a safe distance away by the time you find out.

As for me, I'm going to make sure I'm wearing asbestos underpants when I kick.

I'm hedging my bets, too.