Sunday, August 13, 2006

As Seen on TV

Are you feeling like your life isn't what it should be? All you need is a little insomnia and you can square-up your meaningless existence by doing nothing more than turning on your television. Right there on the TV at 4:00am is the answer to whatever problem you may be facing. Most of them involve doing little or nothing to get something. Sounds too good to be true? Get your credit card ready and change your life.
"Make Amazing Part-Time Income", they proclaim. Create profitable trading opportunities in the Forex Market. I'm not sure I want to know what the Forex Market is, but it appears to be profitable. It sounds like a place where they sell condoms.
Can't get financing for that car you want? All-Approved Auto Finance. No one is turned down. It's probably followed by All-Approved Auto Repo.
Got smelly air in your home, apartment or trailer? The Oreck air cleaner is your answer. It sure looked clean on the TV.
Out of shape? Bowflex. They even manage to make exercise look easy.
Can't sleep (how'd they know?) The Amazing Sleep Number Bed. Sleeping - now that's easy! There's lots of amazing stuff at 4:00am.
Hey ... wait a minute ... if I'm sleeping, I'll miss out on these incredible opportunities.
Bald? (wow - these guys are mind readers) Join the Hair Club. Ya gotta love a club, but I don't know where the meetings are. If there's hairy guys, I know I'm in the wrong room.
"Put your computer to work". I didn't stick around for that one. I like my computer the way it is. Plus, I figure if I put my computer to work, it will need all the junk they're advertising to fight the stress of the working world. Take it easy, computer.
It took a little time, but I did manage to stumble across a penis enlargement ad. A couple of porn actresses in a make-believe talk show format telling America that all we need to do is take a pill and "that particular area" will grow. Nice. Porn actors and they can't say the word penis.
Results not typical. You may not experience the same results.
Russ Dalbey's Insider Secrets for Winning Real Estate. Why would Russ tell me his secrets? Wouldn't he want to keep them to himself? Besides, they're not secrets now anyway.
"Miracle Cures They Don't Want You to Know". Awwww ... c'mon, just tell me one. Is there a cure for being gullible?
Luma Tweeze Lighted Tweezers. Who needs lighted tweezers? Certainly not anyone in the Hair Club. They're a $60 value for only $9.99. I say, if they sell for ten bucks, then they're a ten dollar value, but I'm sleepy because I have a crappy mattress, I'm bald and I have a lazy computer.
Then, finally, on the very last channel is the Holy Grail of late-night ads.
Girls Gone Wild. Those nutty girls! They even have their own helicopter.
Where's my credit card?


kimmyk said...

I love all the infomercials. That's how I got my bullet blender thingy and my food dehydrator whatchamacallit. i used both for a long time when i first got them, but now? eh not so much.

i love how they have those people who sit around poolside and tell us how they are rolling in the dough now. i'm sorry if i had mad cash i'd be out shopping not sitting around a table bragging. liars. especially those hair club for men people. stop lieing.

Kate Michele said...

I have to admit that on saturday mornings I like to watch some of the infomercials.... Mostly the stuff Gunthy-Ranker puts out....