Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Spam, Spam, Spam, Baked Beans, Spam, Spam and Spam

I am supposed to be studying for my final exam in auditing, but instead I became fixated on my Spam e-mails. Damn this blog! I never open them, you see, but a "Thursday Thirteen" post by amy aroused my curiosity.
My new e-mail pal Benni Muller sent me a nice note, proclaiming Good Evening in the subject line. How nice, I thought. Upon opening, the first line: What else should you do to make her happy? That was followed by a link, selling, of all things, prescription medication. At the very top was Cialis Soft Tabs, which I thought was a keen turn of a phrase. Close that one.
The body of the message looked a bit like an old Yes lyric:
Rice-grinding paradise apple canary grass
Un-Washingtonian stair-step jug-jug
orange peeler sodium arsphenamine stump speaking
light battery Lady eve registration county
Then, my new e-mail buddy K.C. Jackson sent a note, titled Mega Sail on Cines. I'm a sucker for a sail, especially a mega one. He then said, "Holla!", which I suppose is ghetto-speak or some religious greeting, and told me to Have a Satisfying Day! Thanks, buddy. More pill ads.
I received several from Customer Service telling me that all I had to do was confirm my e-mail address and I would receive a $1,000 Visa Gift Card. That sounded simple. Too simple. Besides, you already have my e-mail address. I'm no fool.
Eugenio Schaffer sent a note titled "collagen lip" (a good name for a band) and text that proclaimed: Super juicy pussies explode in ecstasy. See these bitches blow their loads 2 feet into the air. Bring your swim goggles you're going to need it to see through this wave. Holy cow - I don't even own swim goggles. That must be some wave! Pass.
I must admit, I do enjoy the poetry that comes with them. Another medication spam from Bernardine Tevis contained this thoughtful prose:
Yet the sun never set,
the light never changed,
the young man never stopped.
After a great period of time the water was almost gone.
I think they're wasting their time selling medication. They should send this stuff to the Reader's Digest. Nice one, Bernardine!
Finally, Dormgirl Amy writes to ask if I'd like to see her in her dorm room. Sure, Amy. I'll be at Widener tomorrow - but ... you forgot to tell me which room. Meanwhile, I'll write you a haiku:
As aged men find
their thoughts turn to young women,
they need Cialis.


Amy said...

That is hilarious that my 13 got you looking at your spam! I never really looked at it either until I did that 13. I thought it was funny! Thanks for reading!

Pam said...

Oh how hilarious!!

A friend of mine blogged about this awhile ago. She got an e-mail that stated that 84% of women think their lover's penis is too small. I am curious as to how they got that number. Did they interview porn stars? Because I never heard that complaint from any of my girlfriends - ever. I have, however, heard the opposite complaint.

Carmen said...

If I had to study for an auditing exam, I'd try to find ANYTHING else to read, even spam. :)

Kate Michele said...

Spam...Ahhhh I remember when it was just fake meat in a can. The good ole days!!

I must say Anthony that I almost choked on my strawberries when I read the exploding pussies comment!!! What language you man...***blink***blink***