Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Three things I read about while waiting for my oil change.

While waiting for my car to finish having its oil changed tonight, I innocently thumbed through a copy of Rolling Stone magazine.  It was a rather ordinary issue, until I got to the back page.  There were a few ads that gave me some valuable insight into what people will spend money on.

The first interesting product was something called a Grow Box.  It was advertised as a hydroponic system for growing plants indoors.  If your mind works anywhere as oddly as mine (pity) then you will have immediately jumped to the necessity for an indoor plant-growing system.  Not only that, but the product is cleverly disguised to look like a cabinet, stereo speakers, a computer box or a small refrigerator.  Because you wouldn't want anyone to know you are growing tulips in your den.  Right.
It's a wonderful contraption, full of high-powered LED lights, hygrometers and technical growing materials for your ... um ... flowering plants.  OK.  A quick jump on their web site showed me that the small one, the My Grow Buddy, sells for $399.  For a more professional system, which they call the Mortgage Lifter (yep) sells for $2,495.  Maybe "Mortgage Payer" would have been a better name?

They'll sell you the lights, soil and all the equipment you'll need to start growing world-class plants in your very own home.  You can also buy a fan to remove those unwanted odors.  Right.  You don't want your house smelling like flowers.  That's what Airwick is for.
All you'll need to do is run down to your local garden center for some seeds.  Right.

Next, there was an ad for one of those male enhancement products.  They are getting bolder with their advertising.  You can buy things called Horny Goat Weed and Vein Erect at drug stores.   I'd need a back door and a secret knock to even attempt to buy something like that in public.  Pile the kids in the station wagon, dad is going down to the store to pick up some boner pills.
"Cool, can we stop for ice cream?"

The more interesting one, however, available online is called Ball Refill  That's right.  And no, it isn't helium or compressed air.  It's called a semen volumizer.  It is a pill that is designed to give men "mega orgasms."  It's for all of you who are concerned that you're not spewing enough of yourself on ... yourself and want to prolong the clean-up process.  From what I've read, women go crazy for a guy who can fill a soda can with ejaculate.  It's probably why I'm still single.
In the FAQ section (the F stands for Frequently) of the web site, it says that you should "consult your health care professional before using Ball Refill."  I don't know about you, but I would not want to be the guy going into my doctor's office, and when she says, "What brings you here today?" I reply with ...
"Well, I wanted to check with you to see if I could take this supplement that makes me spew like a horse."

Actually, I can't imagine how any of the questions are "frequently asked," but that's another matter.  "How much Ball Refill should I take?"  "Should I continue to take Ball Refill?"  "What kinds of medications react with Ball Refill?"

Here are some questions I would ask:  Can I over-fill my balls?  What if I take so much that my bladder fills too?  Can Ball Refill be used on my pets? 

A glimpse of the ingredients shows that it's niacin and some herbs.  It probably just jacks up (pun) your blood pressure to the point that you either ejaculate or pass out.

So, what was the third product I saw in the magazine?  Just some web site where you can order a quilt made of t-shirts.  What a ridiculous concept.

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