Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Look out America, here come the Chinese!

"Too many people have to get out of work to try to get to this game."
- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell on Tuesday's re-scheduled Eagles game, apparently forgetting about the logistical circumstances surrounding "Monday Night Football"
Meanwhile, I'm waiting for the hordes of Chinese, who are ready to take over our snowbound country after we wussed-out and postponed a football game on Sunday. What I'd like to know is what the Chinese even know about American football. If we told them we were postponing a game because a foot of snow was falling on the stadium, I'd guess they would say, "OK."
"What do you think Lombardi would say?" he asked. I'd guess that Lombardi would say, "What the fuck is a governor doing on an Eagles post-game show?" Ed doesn't have the proper historical perspective on what Vince Lombardi would say about the current state of American football.
So, I'm ready for the Chinese. Once they finish playing that weird game of checkers on that circular board, I figure they're only a few minutes away - like Zaberer's - if you know what that means.
Those Chinese must be ready to pounce, if the governor is any indication of what's going on in the world -- and who is a better indication of world sociology than the governor of a moderately small American commonwealth? Nobody, right?
Here's a clue, Ed. Knock off the comb-over. It's so 80's. Just go with the balding look. And stop staring at the camera. It knows where you are, you don't need to keep looking at it.
Mostly, we're tired of hearing Ed talk. He talks and talks. He talks after Eagles games, on the Comcast Eagles Post-game Show. He is one of four panelists, including former Super Bowl champion Vaughn Hebron, Hall of Fame writer Ray Didinger and host Michael Barkann. The governor is a fan who happens to preside over a state who regulates cable television - who programs Comcast, who employs the governor on its post-game show. Strange? You betcha.
Then, he weirdly stares into the camera while he postulates on a game he supposedly watched and makes those of us who watch the post-game show feel strange about ourselves because the governor is staring at us. Nobody told him about television.
But he keeps talking. Supposedly, he's trying to get a big deal with MSNBC or one of those big cable networks once his governor job runs out in a few weeks. It must be tough being a politician or having a job whose term is finite.
You have to think about what you're going to be doing for a living in February, because your wife likes to shop and you'd better be able to pay those Lord & Taylor credit card bills or else your ass will be out on the curb. Ya gotta think.
So, you come up with an opinion that makes the news so that your name is out there and people will want to hear the crap that comes out of your head. Where did I go wrong? I didn't get a big-time political job, that's where.
I suppose Comcast will keep him on the post-game show because he's controversial, and TV loves controversy. My fervent hope is that Ed gets a job with a big-time cable outlet like Fox News, and he starts sparring with Hannity every night and is so tired from arguing that he can't bring himself to limo to the Comcast studio every Sunday night to do that dopey post-game show, where he stares into the camera and makes us feel strange.
Me and the Chinese - hoping against hope. C'mon, hordes. Save us from our wussie selves.

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