Ascend with us now, to the neighborhood supermarket, where our hero (me, in a relative sense) ventures into the great void of his neighborhood supermarket in search of sustenance and a little blog material. It usually works for both.
Tonight's episode is entitled: "Express -- or Not."
With a scant few items in his hand-held cart, our hero wanders into the so-called "Express Lane" at the supermarket, proceeds to lay his (less than 15) items on the conveyor, only to be delayed by another shopper. His arch rival, Coupon Bitch has an issue with some chicken stock she purchased almost a week ago.
A discussion with the cashier (who we will call Express Queen) hears her contention of how the chicken stock she purchased last week should have come with a cents-off coupon, but she was instead charged the regular price. The cashier sent her to the nearby Courtesy Desk, where Express Queen's super-friends (now known as the Coupon League) have come to the aid of Coupon Bitch, and awarded her the 80 cents of which she was deprived at her earlier chicken stock purchase. All is right in the Bizarro World.
Meanwhile, me and the guy behind me (super-hero name Orange Face) are waiting. I exclaim, "I guess it's really not an 'express lane,'" to which Express Queen says, "It's fifteen items, regardless."
I reply, "But it says 'express,' and she's over there arguing over 80 cents."
Express Queen was not amused by my analysis of the situation and turned against me. When I noticed that Orange Face had only a 2 liter bottle of Sprite in front of him, I placed it in my section of the conveyor and proclaimed, "It's on me. My good deed for the day." Some superheroes place a standard of "good deed for the day" as one of their duties.
Orange Face thanked me, and Express Queen noted that the Sprite bottle had a coupon tagged onto it.
"Should I use this coupon, or would that take too much time?" she sarcastically asked.
"Hey, I bought the guy some soda," I said, and Express Queen handed it to Orange Face, and temporarily, all was right in my world.
Until Express Queen noticed that I had purchased a bottle of hand soap along with my Chobani and a container of chicken. "I can't put this in with food," she explained, as she reached for one of those flimsy plastic bags that seemed eminently qualified to protect soap in a plastic container from yogurt in a plastic container. Apparently, Express Queen's super power is the ability to keep soap products away from food with thin plastic.
She placed the flimsy plastic bag into my canvas bag of food items, seemingly out of danger. Unless, that is, if the flimsy plastic bag succumbs to the pressure of the atmosphere and suddenly acquires a hole, burst straight into the side, adjacent to the food. Oh no. Could Express Queen's arch-enemy Heat Finger place a digit on the bag and cause the soap to potentially spill out onto the food, provided that the soap container would also mysteriously have a hole in it.
I attempted to explain to Express Queen the fallacy of her logic. "So, this thin layer of plastic is going to protect my food from soap that is in a plastic bottle?"
Express Queen reiterated that it is "store policy" to place cleaning products in a separate plastic bag from food products (regardless of the thickness of their containers) and that the store's policy was irreproachable and without debate.
I took my change and moved along.
You have won this battle, Express Queen, but fear not. I will return.