Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's so hot, I saw a Mexican frying an egg on his Ass.

Thermostat now displaying "WTF?" Not even sure how that's possible.
- from Howard's Twitter and/or Facebook page.

We're a funny bunch, us humans. There are certain places where we hate to perspire and other places where we love to. That's where we call it sweat, in the places we love to.
The temperature around these parts rose to over a hundred degrees (102 at 4:54pm, when you'd figure it would be starting to cool off) and according to the weather guys, it "feels like" 102. That's great, but do you know what it really feels like? It feels like I got stuck in a big plastic bag and somebody turned on a huge sun lamp...for 8 hours.
Doesn't it feel differently in the sun and the shade? Of course it does. They measure the temperature in the shade, so how can being in the sun "feel like" the same temperature? That's where these scientists come down to Earth for me.
When it is this hot, I lose all interest in outdoor activities, and I'd bet that the outdoor shops take a financial hit today, too. Not too many people running out to buy tents and Coleman stoves, I'd guess. We want to shop for things that will keep us indoors. Of course, the reason I lose all interest in being outdoors is because it's too God damned hot!
People choose to live in places like Hawaii, south Florida and the Caribbean Islands, even though they have the ability to leave. That's odd to me, since if I lived there I'd dread the summers enough to make me want to get out. But people live in places like Alaska too, so I guess there's a median group in there someplace. That's where I belong - in the median group.
I don't want the heat for the beach or the cold so it can snow ("Because snow is so beautiful.") and the kids can jump around and miss the next 5 days with the flu. If I could go back to whatever force built this nest we call a Solar System, I'd ask him to have us spin in such a way that the earth's temperature is consistent. We don't need the Polar ice caps. They're disappearing now, and look what's happening. I'll bet that there are places on Mars where you can just sit, and the temperature hardly ever changes. It's about 500 degrees, but it's a consistent 500 degrees. You'd get used to it.
That's what people tell me, you'd get used to it. Get used to this? Even snakes and lizards are saying, "No, I'm staying under the basement." They tell me that whether it's hot or cold, so at least they're consistent. How do you get used to a temperature where your own body heat is making you uncomfortable? There's another day of this, so maybe by then, we'll be used to it. Right.
I think that's why people like the seasons. Because they don't have to get used to anything. In February it's so cold that you've forgotten days like today, and vice versa. Somehow, we seem shocked when stuff like this happens. It's really just the Sun's angle to the Earth and some upper-air winds. It happens every year.
Aren't you used to it?
Incidentially, the title is a joke, and it's MY JOKE. If I hear some hack comic doing it, I'm suing.
I know, I could have said burro instead of ass, but that wouldn't be funny, would it?

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