Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Life in the modern world is a bitch.

There's an online poll going on at CBS3 (one of the local news TV stations) asking if the recent Tiger Woods scandal has made you change your opinion of him. I answered "no." The reason I said no is because I never liked him to begin with. It's difficult for a scandal to alter ones opinion when the offender is seen as kind of a punk.
Since my only impression of him is what I see on the golf course, what I see is a petulant child who seems to be spoiled by success and whines and moans whenever things don't go his way, throws clubs when he misses shots and berates journalists and fans if they dare to make noise while he's playing. He's a gentleman as long as he's winning, but he's what we humans call a "sore loser," and those types of people like things to go their way all the time.
Now, he's apologetic - as we humans tend to be - because he got caught doing something he's been doing for a long time. Presumably, had he not been caught his dalliances would have continued merrily onward because, we know, he's not sorry because he was wrong, he's sorry because he got caught.
That isn't just about Tiger. It's about every person on the planet who gets caught doing something wrong and issues an apology. Usually it starts with the phrase "if I offended anyone, I apologise" as though the people who weren't offended don't deserve an apology because the guy ran a couple of stop signs at three times the legal blood alcohol limit. Only if you're offended - then, I'm terribly sorry.
Most times their lawyer draws up the apology and the punk reads it. We know this because words like pejorative and circumstantial couldn't be spelled and probably have to be rehearsed in the bathroom mirror, but there they are. The sentence structure is straight out of Stanford Law School.
I don't know if it's a good trait of mine or not, but generally I can tell a skunk almost immediately, just as I can tell a good person. First impressions aren't always fair, but life isn't fair either. In fact, here's a little tip to help you get out of jury duty, if you're so inclined.
When the lawyer starts asking you questions, you tell him, "I can tell if a guy is guilty just by looking at him!" That should just about do it for your jury service. Next!
Another little tip: Cell phone cameras are everywhere. They're so small now, they look like iPod mini's, but they pack a wallop. Before you know it your little keg stand is all over YouTube and you'll look like a jackass for telling your wife [slash] girlfriend that you were at a lodge meeting [sorry for the Flintstones reference].
Be careful out there.

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