For kids from 1 to 92

It’s Xmas season in America, and that means that the Muzak will be blaring traditional Gentile holiday songs non-stop until New Year’s Day. The military could use it as a training device for troops who are trapped behind enemy lines and subjected to torture. If I can withstand 8 hours a day of Xmas Muzak for almost two months, I am probably qualified to serve in Afghanistan.

One of them is the timeless epic, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” which contains the lyric hang up your stockings and say your prayers, ‘cause Santa Claus comes tonight, which artfully mixes organized religion and fantasy. To some, they are one and the same. Are the kids praying for lots of toys? You betcha. Is Jesus bringing them?

Then, there is what I call “synthetic Xmas music.” You know, that Nouveau Riche junk like Manheim Steamroller, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and that Windham Hill jazz that you hear at The Sharper Image, public radio at 4am or on line at your local high-end coffee shop. The kind of song that you have to listen to intently to realize – after a few minutes – that it’s "Deck the Halls" played on a didjeridu and a stovepipe, just slowly enough so that it’s artsy. It also includes the Charlie Brown Christmas stuff by the Vince Guaraldi Trio and that stupid David Bowie/Bing Crosby “Little Drummer Boy”, where it looks like Bowie is going to kill his manager for getting him mixed up in this nonsense, and Bing is wondering, “Who in Hell is this guy?” Those kinds of songs are perfect for playing on your iPod under the plastic Xmas tree.

It’s all part of that post-modern holiday celebration that includes flocked trees, Wassail, those nodding-head Reindeer with the lights and flavored coffee with just enough cinnamon so that your eyes water. Happy Holidays!

There must be a lot of money in Xmas music, or else why would so many heathen musicians participate? Give the people what they want, even if it’s against your firmly held belief system – subject to change. I guess you can’t criticize people for wanting to get in on the gravy train.

Or can you?