Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Little Annoyances

Somebody said, "Don't sweat the small stuff", to which the common reply is "it's all small stuff." That may be true, but in the end, isn't it the small stuff that adds up to big stuff? Here's a short list of 5 "small stuff" things that occur on such a repetitive basis that they add up to big stuff:
THE PARKING LOT STALKER - I'm at the mall, walking toward my car. Usually (as faithful readers know) I grab the first space I see, which is generally nearer the road than the mall. Meanwhile, "fat-ass SUV" is riding my ass at 4mph waiting for me to find my car and vacate the space, so he can load up. Generally, they are disappointed and give up long before I reach my car. SECRET: Sometimes I pretend to forget where I parked, and wander over to the other lane, out of reach of the stalker.
THE LINE JUMPER - I'm standing in line at the inappropriately named convenience store, when a new cashier checks in and shouts, "I can take the next person!" No sooner does this occur, than the person behind me runs over like they're on fire to jump into the newly opened lane. But, they are not the "next person" - I am. And, as usual, I find myself screwed (in a bad way).
THE NO-EXPRESS LANE - Your local supermarket. The sign proclaims EXPRESS: CASH ONLY or TEN ITEMS OR LESS. Meanwhile, Mr. Line Spoiler watches his baby oil, video tape and frozen meal ring up while the rest of us wait while he fumbles for change and invariably buys something for which the coupon he is using expired during the Reagan administration. Move it along, buddy.
SUBSET: The check-writer who waits until the entire order is finalized to begin writing the check. HINT: Fill out everything except the amount before you go in the store. Our lives will be easier, and stay out of the CASH ONLY lane.
THE MAGAZINE READER - A cheapskate, who believes that the local Barnes and Noble is a library. This guy is enabled by the coffee shop adjacent to the bookstore. He generally stands near the rack, paging through the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, wondering if the semi-automatic rifle he just bought has been replaced by a newer model. Stand aside, Chief, I wanna buy a Playboy.
DRIVE THRU MEAL FOR TEN - Giant SUV, one person inside. They pull up to the ORDER HERE sign and spout out a list of items that could be taken on Safari. They change their order a few times in the process, as they realize that the establishment does not serve the meal combination that their anxiously-awaiting 8 year-old is salavating over. When they get to the PAY HERE window, they are handed a bag that could contain a small farm animal and a tray of drinks that is larger than the window opening. HERE'S AN IDEA: Let's limit the drive-thru orders to ten items or less, and let the drunks trying to fend off the Booze Woozies get home faster with their chicken sandwich and bag of fries.
That's five that I rattled off the top of my sick head.
Got any more to add?


Kate Michele said...

People who look at my children who look the SAME dressed the SAME and ask me..."Are those twins???"

The women in line behind me at the grocery store that SIGHS the entire time I'm checking out. Hey LADY I have a family of four to feed and I only go shopping once a month!! Shut up and move your lazy ass to another lane if I'm buggin you so damn much!!

Anthony said...

Atta girl, Kate! Don't you feel better now?

So, they are twins, right?

Pam said...

oh Kate - I have two girls who are different ages, look NOTHING alike (other than they are both caucasian) and aren't wearing the same clothes and still get asked "are they twins?".

And who the hell writes CHECKS any more. Ever heard of a debit card!

Something that really bothers me - when cars are parked on the other side of the road but the damn fat ass SUV guy comes way over into MY lane and makes ME stop to let him pass, when it's his damn side of the road that has the cars parked on it. If I had an old junker, I would just gun it so he would soil all over that pretty brand new SUV.

I also slow down reaaaaaalllllllly slow when people tail gate me. bwwwaaaahhhhhhaaaaa!

meg said...

Self-check out lanes.

I don't get why people go to the store at the busiest time of day to try to figure out how to use these things! Usually, it's an older person who isn't technologically inclined, and I'm all for the elders using new technology (I think it's cool), but at 5 pm? C'mon. And if you don't know how to use them, go to another line.

And retired people . . . go to the store when the working people are at work. You have alllllll day. And stay the hell out of our Saturday mornings unless you're a zippy old fart.

Kate Michele said...

Pam.... Before I had the kiddos, of course, when someone would talgate me, I'd SLAM on my brakes....9 times out of 10 they'd stop!!

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