They should just call it "The Show Where People Dance."

OK, here's the new rule we're going to institute, going forward (as they say) with regard to celebrities and who we actually call celebrities. It's simple:

If you have to put your credits in front of your name, you are not a celebrity.

You don't have to say Actor Robert DeNiro or Singer Elton John, because we know who those people are and what they do for a living. That's why they're celebrities.

The 12th season of Dancing With the Stars (egad, 12 years!) is starting in a couple of weeks, and the couples have been announced. Quickly - look at that photo on the left and tell me which one is the "star" and which one is the professional dancer.

You can't do it, can you? That's because the star is somebody named Chelsea Kane. If you don't know who Chelsea Kane is, that's because nobody knows who Chelsea Kane is. The shows billing tells her that she is "Disney star Chelsea Kane," presumably so we'll know how to Google search her. And what a coincidence that she is a Disney star and the TV show is on Disney-owned ABC. Go figure.

They could have porn actors on the show and more people would know who they are. The trouble is that they couldn't get anyone to admit that they knew who they were. Middle-America doesn't like to admit things like that. And of course, they can't possibly be stars. That's why pornography is a $200 billion business in America -- because nobody watches it. Tell me that they wouldn't get bigger ratings for Dancing With the Stars featuring Tera Patrick or Nikki Benz than that loser from the Disney Channel. You know they would.

They ran out of stars a long time ago, to the point that the dancers are bigger celebrities than their partners, and being on Dancing With the Stars is a bigger credit than most of them have on their resume.

But you'll watch. Just the fact that it's been on for 12 years tells me that you're watching. The funny thing is that I'd rather admit that I watch pornography than watch this dancing show. Partly because of the way it's marketed and partly because of the hypocrisy involved in the sex business.

The people who claim that pornography is exploitative have never examined the marketing involved in big-time network television. I'm just saying - do you think it's a coincidence that some unknown Disney channel actress is on this show or that Sarah Palin's kid was on the last one? It's just a different kind of whoring, and America eats it up.

One is just as trashy as the other, but you're a horrible person if you enjoy pornography.