Thursday, May 6, 2010

Up to our ass in grass.

It's lawn mowing season, which means that the air is full of dust and pollen and the noise from mowers, string trimmers, edgers and leaf blowers wakes those of us who like to sleep late on weekends.
Sadly, it seems that rakes have been outlawed and the only way we can move grass clippings is by blowing them around until they disappear into some vague space that exists in a Ray Bradbury novel.
I wonder why some big grass seed company like Scott's hasn't come up with a hybrid strain of grass that grows two inches and stops. I think it's like the electric car. The big mower companies and the powerful lawn care lobby in Washington (there is one, you know) have killed it in an effort to boost the sales of equipment.
It's a good thing (for my neighbors) that I live in a condominium, because my front lawn would look like my house was abandoned. I couldn't be bothered mowing a lawn, edging or doing any of those other things that occupy their time. I suppose I could hire a landscaper, but if I'm going to throw money away, I'd just as soon buy lottery tickets. At least then I'd have a chance of winning something.
Paying to have someone mow the lawn is a similarly ridiculous notion to paying someone to cut your hair. It grows back.
Come to think of it, why hasn't some big pharmaceutical company come up with a pill to get our hair to stop growing? We have pills for every ailment and made-up physical disability (like peeing too much) known to man, including one to make your penis grow. So, why couldn't they use a similar technology to stop your hair from growing? There should be a huge market. When you get that precious haircut that you can't stop crowing about, start taking the pill and your hair will stay like that until you stop. However, if your hair stands on end for longer than 4 hours, consult your physician.
I think it's like the electric car. The big hair care companies and the influential hair care lobby in Washington (there is one, you know) have killed it in an effort to boost sales of expensive haircuts.
That's it for today. Discuss


Kevin said...

Laugh riot Anthony. My trips to the barber shop ( yes there still are a few) will never be the same!

Anthony said...

Kevin - Ask your barber (er ... Stylist) about that hair pill. I bet you get a look that says, "I wish I could tell you what I know, but they'd probably kill me."

Kcoz said...

They very well may have these pharmaceutical products you speak of but are keeping them off the market to save a complete crash of our economy…not much else for us to do besides mow each others lawns and cut each others hair.

We really don’t build or manufacture much here anymore…we export all our good ideas for others to mass-produce and sell back to us.