My Sick Mind

I'm sitting here at work , listening to the instrumental MUZAK version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Is there any more pointless song to play without vocals? What's next, the instrumental version of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"? Help me.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Americans will spend nearly 10 hours a day watching television, surfing the Internet, reading books, newspapers and magazines and listening to music this year, the U.S. Census Bureau said on Friday. In its "Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2007" released on Friday, the agency also noted that Americans drink about a gallon of soda a week, along with a half gallon each of milk, bottled water, coffee and beer. All of which may help explain another figure in the pages of the 1,300-page book of tables and statistics: About two-thirds of Americans are overweight, including one-third of whom are obese. I wonder where these numbers come from? Let's do a little mathematics - very little, since I know you want to get back to your Internet activities. Six hours sleep. I know we're supposed to say eight, but... really.. . and 10 ... That's 16 hours, plus at least 8 hours at work leaves us zero . I realize that some of those activities can be ...

O ur Federal Government is just now finding out that automobile drivers encounter traffic, run their air-conditioners and frequently drive faster than 60mph. The Environmental Protection Agency, which only now - for model year 2008 - is changing the way it tests mileage for the first time since 1984. The new procedures announced this week will consider a variety of factors collectively known as reality. These overdue improvements will reduce the average vehicle's estimated mileage - the one that appears on window stickers in the showroom - by 12% for city driving and 8% for highway driving. And, as you could guess, auto makers are not happy about the change. Why? Because it may mean that people will start buying less profitable small cars, instead of house-sized bohemoths; whose drivers actually brag about their car getting 15 miles per gallon. The beautiful combination of bureaucratic sloth and special interest politics have finally given way to consumer complaints and f...

My teeth are clean. I just thought you might like to know. I had my six-month dental check-up (the official check-up-from-the-neck-up) and I was pronounced "Good for another six months." So, those of you who may be planning on doing something with me after June 13th ... I really can't commit to anything right now. That really screws with the trip to Wakarusa I was planning this summer. One day at a time, I guess. I made another appointment for June 27th, so I guess the joke is on them! While I was in the dental chair, they allowed me to watch the TV. There was a minor earthquake just outside of Reading, PA; in Berks County. The local Action News reporter was there, on the scene. He chose to interview a guy who was in the area at the time. REPORTER: So, you were here at the time of the earthqake? GUY: Yes, I was working here from noon till now, today. REPORTER: Did you feel the earthquake? GUY: Nope. I didn't see or feel anything. Breaking news, folks. ...

I ask myself many questions. I don’t get many answers, but that doesn’t keep me from asking. One I asked myself today was, “Would it be considered ‘justifiable homicide’ if I killed the guy who installed our MUZAK system at work?” I asked myself this after hearing Andy Williams sing “Happy Holidays” for the six-billionth time. Maybe I don't want to kill him as much as I just want to smack hi m in the back of the head and tell him how he has contributed to the destruction of thousands of brain cells. Don’t turn your back on me, Mr. MUZAK installation guy. How many different times can I hear “Jingle Bells” or “Frosty the Snowman” before it starts to work on my subconscious, and I am no longer responsible for my actions? Apparently, the music industry (and the MUZAK industry) feels as though we need one more version of “The Little Drummer Boy” – reggae mix, jazz mix, punk mix, pizzicato stri ng mix or Bowie and Bing mix – but here it is, mere ly the 12 th of December, ...

All this talk about bliss and its consequences has stirred up quite a little firestorm in this little corner of the Blogosphere. A post here , another one there and even one over here someplace that may or may not be the spark of the whole thing. Whatever it is, it is free thinking, and nothing irritates the More-moral-than-thou bunch than individuality and free thinking. Deep down inside, they would like us all to be the same. The sames would stay with the sames, and the differents would ... well, they would be ostracized to some island where they couldn't influence the sames and make them realize that they were cheap imitations of themselves. Ostracized is an interesting word. Without doing research (something I gave up after I graduated college) I would say that it has its roots in the Ostrich, who reacts to the different by sticking its head in the ground. The sames would probably do that, if they could get their head out of their ass long enough to put it in the ground. Free...

Girls ... girls ... girls ... please. A seemingly innocent post about a news story about some Indian men and their difficulties with prophylactics has started a mini-Bloggerstorm of comments, questions and concerns over the size of our junk. Katie asked a question in my comments box (no pun intended) , Pam added Kerosene to the fire by answering her and Kimmyk put up an entire post asking about the average size. Penis this, penis that ... penis, penis, penis. Holy shit, Hannah. Geez, girls - get a grip. Let's talk about shopping. 'Tis the season ... Or so it seems. I guess the season we think it is depends upon our upbringing. Every time the Christmas (excuse me, the holiday ) shopping season comes around, it makes me think about the variances in our lives and how those variances interact with those of us who get in the way. The first thing that comes to mind is that we are all forced to drive someplace. Driving is one of those social skills that not all of us posses, but ...

The space shuttle Discovery is shown as it streaks over a marina in Daytona Beach, Florida December 9, 2006 after liftoff from Kennedy Space Center. NEWS FLASH: VATICAN CITY (AFP) - Religious symbols should be allowed in public places, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of Italian Catholic legal experts. Sure. And a group of prostitutes in Atlantic City thinks that prostitution should be legalized. How does this even get to the news bureaus? I guess they figure they'll go to Hell if they don't report it. OK, fine. Let's move on to property tax relief. NEWS FLASH: A hundred percent of homeowners think their property taxes are too high. Maybe they should start praying. CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - Stargazers will get a rare triple planetary treat this weekend with Jupiter, Mercury and Mars appearing to nestle together in the predawn skies. About 45 minutes before dawn on Sunday those three planets will be so close that the average person's thumb can obscure all three f...

Frosty the Snowman . What a miserable holiday song that is. They tell us he's a "jolly, happy soul", then he dies in a horrible heat-related incident involving some kids and a corncob pipe. And why didn't that cop help him wh en he stopped them? I want answers! Either way, I think those kids are in for a horrible experience someday... But he waved goodbye Saying "Don't you cry I'll be back again some day". Watch your backs, kids. I think he's still carrying that broomstick around. Frosty bastard. I never trusted him. Stupid eyes made out of coal follow me around... Actor Jamie Kennedy arrives at an awards ceremony in Burbank, California wearing a pair of women's panties on his head and holding up a sign that reads: "I found Brittney's Panties". I'm only including this for the Google searches... NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Condoms designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian men as the...

I wasn't planning a Thirteen this week, but a post by Pam inspired this one, and even as I write this introduction, I'm hoping I can finish it. Thirteen Sliding Doors For those of you who don't know what that means, it's a reference to the movie , starring Gwyneth Paltrow. It's about a woman who is fired from her job at a PR company, and is forced to take stock of her life. When the doors of a tube car close on her, we see what happens if she had made the train, or if she had not. Here are my sliding doors, in no particular order: 1 - 1967, my father died. Leaving my mother widowed, it changed the way I see life. A child at the age of 9, forced to deal with the death of a beloved father and best friend. It wasn't a choice of mine, I know, but still, the elusive bliss began to evade me right then . It was the day I got fired from my PR company. 2 - Didn't try out for the Jazz band. A few high school buddies wanted me to audition as the bass player of the ...

This is a little about teamwork, but it's mostly about hypocrisy . One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" . Not because it's a great song (because it isn't) , but because of the great life lesson it teaches. You say you don't really need a life lesson from a Christmas song? Too late, Chief. Here it goes: The song starts out innocently enough. It's a cheery little tune about a horribly disfigured animal who probably landed his job because of some Equal Opportunity Law at the North Pole... Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. Then, it all starts to turn sour for our hero. Rudolph couldn't join the team. The other reindeer noticed his disfigurement and, much like the humans, they called attention to it and mocked him unmercifully, but if you saw it, you'd probably agree with his insensitive reindeer bretheren... All of the other reindeer Used ...

It seems that a recurring theme of these recurring themes is that whatever the topic, the term "relative" can be applied. For instance, in the case of trouble, it certainly is relative. If we never got out of grammar school, trouble would be limited to such life-altering events as forgetting to do our homework, hitting one of our siblings or (egad) breaking a lamp. Since most of us have gotten out of grammar school, the degree of trouble in which we find ourselves increases with the level of responsibility we should have. For instance, missing a mortgage payment or getting a traffic ticket. I'm in trouble, now. Most of us equate trouble with luck or fortune, but in the grim reality of life, we know that luck or fortune are merely excuses, not reasons, for the level of trouble we find ourselves in. For instance, if that cop hadn't been sitting in the trees, he wouldn't have caught me speeding. Forget the fact that I was speeding - I choose to blame my bad luck on ...

Nothing is so important that it cannot be put off until tomorrow. For some, January 1 marks their personal tomorrow. It's the procrastinator's favorite day. New Year's resolutions are made then, and presumably broken shortly afterward. I've been a member of one gym or another for the past 25 years, and every one of those years I've seen new members wander in right after the first of the year. Generally, they wander out sometime around Easter, after making a minor effort at a life-altering decision. I can see them now, sitting around the Christmas tree, bloated from Christmas ham, wine and candy; telling their spouse, "Honey, this year, I swear to God, I'm gonna get in shape!" Off the waddle to the local fitness facility to plunk down hundreds of dollars on something from which they may not get ten cents worth of value. But, it's a noble gesture, albeit a hollow one. Fitness facilities around the country see their accounts fattened by the f...

In the spirit of the holidays, the Shelton Brothers is being denied permission to sell Santa's Butt Winter Ale because they are depicting an image of Santa enjoying a frosty mug. They have taken their case to federal court . Last year, they had trouble selling Seriously Bad Elf Ale, so I suppose there is precedent. NEWS FLASH: Santa is a fictional character and beer is not allowed to be sold or consumed by minors. Let's get a life and, while you're at it, a sense of humor. I know what you're asking. "What does a semi-hip, moderately intelligent individual do on a Saturday night?" Other than blogging, and wishing that he was at an office Christmas party, of course...He watches TV - sometimes in rapt amazement of what he is seeing. For instance: Over on the Home Shopping Channel , there's superstar game show host Chuck Woolery hawking hats with little LED lights in them. "They're perfect stocking stuffers!" he proclaims, and the host cheeril...

Wow - all that emotional soul-searching over the past week ... I need a break ... and maybe you do, too. What I really need is a vacation. Maybe soon. Meanwhile, 'tis the season for arguing about religion, and what better center of controversy than Christmas. There's another of these Falwell things going on. I thought he faded from view - but like a case of herpes, he returns. And, this: Two weeks ago , the Marine Reserves Toys for Tots program in Los Angeles overcame concerns about accepting a donation of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls that quote Bible verses by promising to make sure the dolls reach Christian children. Sure. Nothing like preaching to the choir, as it were. So, do the kids have to fill out an application, or do their parents vouch for their kids' Christian beliefs? Would you rather your child run around repeating "booty bitch" or spouting Bible verses? I think booty bitch is way more entertaining, especially at the holidays! "Pass the cranb...

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it ... like my heart's going to cave in." - Ricky Fitts (American Beauty) We spend almost as much money on making ourselves look beautiful as we spend on anything else. Hair products, makeup, clothing, skin care and so many other things that we believe contribute to making ourselves more attractive. Generally, we do it for the opposite sex. Men don't care if their buddies shave or wear nice clothes, just don't stink up the place. Soap is cheap. Single people are especially sensitive to their outward appearance. We are constantly on the prowl, and we pretend that if we look our best and smell nice then those we are trying to attract will think that we are better than we really are. It's the game that we've been playing for as long as we've been playing. The rules change over time. Powdered wigs were replaced by fancy haircuts and mousse. Soap and running water must...

Fix the problem, not the blame. - Japanese proverb If we can find out who is to blame for our lot in life, then maybe our lot in life isn't our fault. We are fat because we eat foods rich in trans fats, we get lung cancer because the tobacco companies sell us cigarettes, alcoholism is a disease and our kids are on drugs because they watch too much violence on television. Our lives are someone else's responsibility, and if we can find someone to sue for it, then more's the better. Smoking is a horrible habit, and lately, smoking has become social anathema. Smokers are forced outside to consume their devil weed, lest they infect the rest of us who have chosen to lead a healthy life - in a bar drinking or in a restaurant eating fatty foods full of creamy sauces. Smoking is bad, and you'll do it outside. Millions of dollars in lawsuits are filed every year against tobacco companies because smokers die from lung cancer. It was not the smokers' fault, it was the fault of...

The gym is a great place. Full of interesting characters doing interesting things. One of the interesting things about the workout experience is the ability to observe people in their underwear doing strange things with machines that may be better used as Medieval torture devices. One man's adversity is another man's lazy-ass behavior. Watching peopl e do 20-pound leg extensions qualifies as "lazy-ass" in my book. My inner personal trainer wants to yell, "Put some weight on the Goddamned thing! Your shoes weigh 3 pounds!" But, the outer Politeness Man looks away, and figures that they will be gone in a few months - frustrated at not making any progress. Muscles grow in response to adversity - some people shrink. On Monday night, the 20-pounders were at work, when I heard one of them exclaim, "This is hard!" Oy - mother of God - give me the strength to keep quiet. Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say that he appreciated the gym because the weig...