My Sick Mind

There are a couple of sports that I enjoy watching on television, but don’t play – golf and tennis. Both were on this weekend, and as usual, they left me with more than a few questions about what in Hell is going on. The intrigue at the Deutsche Bank Championship in Massachusetts on Monday centered on the battle between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. At one point, Michelson was 5 strokes ahead with about half a round left. The commentators (Johnny Miller and Jim Nance) anointed Phil the champion and started talking about his win in the past tense. Pack up the clubs, Tiger. You have officially been pronounced dead. Those of us with healthy skepticism knew that Phil is rather famous for coughing up leads and making stupid, ill-advised shots when all he needs to do is lay up and keep playing. The best player in the world still had 10 holes left, but the TV guys felt like they had to be the first to tell us who had won – before it happened. The golf course is a quiet, almost pastoral sett...

Switzerland's Martina Hingis in action during her fourth round win over China's Li Na at the Australian Open tennis tournament in Melbourne, Monday, Jan. 22, 2007. Hingis won in three sets 4-6 6-3 6-0. I could enjoy women's tennis a lot more if it weren't for all the grunting and screaming. I thought Maria Sharapova was giving birth on the court until I looked and saw that all she was doing was hitting a tennis ball. Geez . I wish I could find it, but I remember reading a magazine article that said it was a bad idea to yell and scream while lifting weights. Something about the pressure it puts on some delicate body parts...I forget exactly. Tennis coaches must be teaching it at an early age, because it's pervasive and unbearable. If the golfers start with it, I won't have any peace. OK, so it's a week and six days from America's greatest secular holiday (a.k.a. Super Bowl Sunday), and already I'm up to here (pointing at my throat) with t...