My Sick Mind

So, there I am, foolishly watching ESPN2's coverage of the SemGroup Championship , scheduled to run from 3pm to 5pm. It's getting close to 5pm and the leaders are still on the 14th hole. "There's no way they are going to play 4 holes in 8 minutes", I say to myself. Sure enough, it ain't happening. The coverage was scheduled to go until 5, and at precisely 5:00:00 pm, they left Oklahoma for their next program. "Well, it must be something pretty important", I think to myself. At this point, I have stopped talking to myself and started thinking to myself. Surely, it must have something to do with the Kentucky Derby or some landmark sporting event - right? Wrong. They were stopping their coverage of an LPGA tour event with the leaders having 4 holes left to play to show us ... wait for it ... The O'Reilly NHRA Midwest Nationals Qualifying. Drag racing. Qualifying. Not even a real race, which would have been bad enough. They were only qualifying to...

Another 161 page hits today over this Alycia Lane nonsense. Almost all of them from the spelling impaired who are using the vowel-rich version of her name. Almost 500 page hits, and two stinking comments. I suppose, when they don't see the bikini photos, they don't bother reading. C'mon fellas, let's move on. Paris Hilton is finally going to jail , so you can start Google searching conjucal visit sex to see where that lands you. Here, probably. Meanwhile , the girls are playing golf in Oklahoma, of all places, at something called The SemGroup Championship . ESPN2 televised part of it today, from 3 to 5pm. Can you spare a square? I set the recorder for two hours, knowing full well that I would merely be teased by the coverage, and sure enough, I got to watch 4 holes of play. Would ESPN televise 5 innings of a baseball game? No. So, why do they bother with 2 hours of a round of golf? Granted, I'm grateful that they bother at all, but they had to stop the show while ...

Over the past two days, since posting the Alycia Lane story , this little portal has received 284 unique page hits from people seeking info on Ms. Lane. Even though most of them do not know the correct spelling of her first name, which is why I included "Alicia" in the labels - for the spelling impaired. I mention it here (again) for the expressed purpose of encouraging more page hits and imagining the frustration of demented Google searchers who fail to find the elusive photos, or this Alicia Lane who appears to be above reproach. Alicia Lane is also a street in Florida, a poet with three names, a Principia College soccer player , an actress , a model for FHM and little Lane Alicia who turns one year old on June 16, 2007. Happy Birthday kid. Stay away from your mother's cell phone. Seemingly, those curious souls were searching for the elusive bikini photos that she mistakenly sent to her old buddy in an effort to drum up ratings for May Sweeps. If you think there i...

If you came of age in the 70s, like me, the raging debate over which type of woman a man preferred had gone far beyond the traditional old Ginger or Mary Ann discussion. I was way too young to be interested in either one of them, although as an adult my preference came down well on the Mary Ann side in reruns. Young adults of the 1970s had their own TV characters to fawn over, and mine was on a little show that debuted in September of 1978 called WKRP in Cincinnati . I know most of you may be thinking that I'm about to launch into some flowery tribute of Loni Anderson, who played the blonde receptionist Jennifer Marlowe, but no . My flowery tribute is going out to the hot little station billing and traffic girl, Bailey Quarters , played by Jan Smithers . I always figured that it was way too easy to fall for the obvious choices in such instances. Bailey was shy, quiet and a more interesting person than Jennifer, who only seemed interested in keeping her hair lacquered and tormenting...

NOTE TO GOOGLE SEARCHERS: You are wasting your time with all those Cecily Tynan searches that only lead you down blind alleys and, of all places, here. There is someone far more interesting that you should be searching, and the story is so big around here that it wound up on the front page of the Inquirer today : CBS3 anchor Alycia Lane says she is "mortified" over a gossip item in yesterday's New York Post that she had sent private e-mails and suggestive "bikini" photos to NFL Network anchor Rich Eisen , which were intercepted by his wife. The story, which Lane said was not what it appeared, quickly became the talk of a celebrity-starved town and even mushroomed into national fodder as scandal-sniffing bloggers inveighed against Lane . In an exclusive interview yesterday with The Inquirer, Lane insisted she was not a home-wrecker. The photos were simply part of "harmless" banter between "two old friends," and not an attempt to...

I am thinking about opening a driving school. Not a real driving school, where instructors take kids out for their first motor vehicle experience, tooling around town and whatnot. This one is for adults and people who have been driving for a while, and the scope is extremely limited. We are not going to bother with parallel parking or any of that other useless nonsense that they put on the driving exam. This school will concentrate on something that isn’t on any driver’s test, but should be on every driver’s test. I’m calling it the SCHOOL OF HIGHWAY MERGING . The entire curriculum consists of merging onto highways and off of them, accelerating and decelerating. We get on the road, we get off the road – over and over until I either stop squirming and pressing my imaginary gas pedal or the person driving can get on and off the highway without other drivers having to change lanes and scream obscenities. Either one of those things earns a passing grade. Attendance will be mandatory for al...

Consumers claim they dislike the taste of aspartame and Splenda , but research by two University of Illinois food scientists shows that swillers of diet and regular soda are also influenced by a subtle factor called mouth-feel. Wow. Mouth-feel. That's why I got divorced. And, what's up with " food scientists "? Is that like a really fat guy who can tell you which pizza place has the best cheese? Or are they real scientists who have certificates like those TV meteorologists ? Where are the sex scientists, and are there any openings? SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. - America might not need yet another exercise machine. Treadmills, weights and resistance equipment already jam the health clubs. Yet Gravity machines have found a niche at the YMCA in this resort town. Jesus, Mary and Joseph - Gravity machines. I thought that's what weights were. Where are the food scientists when I need them? The machines are essentially a health club version of the company's less expen...

Sheryl Crow writes on her tour blog: "I propose a limitation to be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are industrious enough people to make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required." OK, Sheryl. One square? I propose you just use your hand and leave out the paper altogether. As for those "pesky situations", can you be more specific? I don't know what kind of food you're eating, but if you can wipe up with only one square, you're doing one Hell of a job. Go ahead and use your "square", if it makes you happy. And remind me, if I ever meet you, not to shake your hand.

OAKLAND, California - A gasoline tanker crashed and burst into flames near the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge on Sunday, creating such intense heat that a stretch of highway melted and collapsed. Officials predicted a traffic nightmare for Bay Area commuters for weeks or months to come.

I have been busy on Ebay. Selling, not buying. I am gradually divesting myself of all the accumulated crap I have around here that has no function in my life. Eventually, I will be left with several appliances, my computer and my cat. Speaking of which, I received word that my aunt's family had to have their 15-year old cat put down this weekend. My guy is 16, and I have long ago begun the process of cherishing every day with him. I hope he is doing the same. Saturday night I decided to take in a Phillies game. When I go alone, I can usually get a pretty good seat, since there are generally oddballs left in the middle of rows that they can't sell. I got one in the first row at field level down the first base line. It sounded like a great spot, but it's a little too close. Kind of like being at one of those go-go joints where the dancers have B.O. You're happy to see her, but she could back it up a little. The annual nonsense known as the NFL draft went on this weekend. ...