My Sick Mind

In order to establish perspective, let me tell you:  I hate the telephone.  I don't like when it rings, I don't like calling people and I don't like getting the bill.  Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to live without one. I'm one of the growing number of the population that does not have a traditional land line .  I didn't think it made any sense to pay for a cellular phone and a land line, so many years ago I ditched the hard wire.  The problem with that is that now, people who call me expect me to pick up the phone because they assume that I'm sitting on my cell phone.  Most of the time the ringer is off or it's in a bag or on a table somewhere. "Where were you, I tried to call you?" they ask.  When I had a regular phone, they never had any trouble leaving a voice message.  Now, they expect me to answer every call.  HINT: Sometimes I'm driving on on the toilet or reading or watching a TV program.  Your call is important to us. P...

There is a new infestation. A race of mutants that must be stopped. At first glance, they appear to have tremendous power. In reality, they are weak and easily defeated. Their weakness is exposed as they roam our streets. They are not born, they are made. Because they have been created, they can be destroyed. It will take many years and perhaps we will have to endure loss of lives, but the loss will be worth the gain to society. I'm talking about the Walk and Text crowd. Hoards of people roaming around with their heads down, texting on their so-called Smartphones. Their self-indulgence leads them into awkward situations with the humans walking toward them. Those who are walking with their heads up can see the approaching WAT (Walk and Texter) and dutifully avoid them as the WAT's gaze continues downward. Sometimes they do not know that they have come within inches of a collision, as they never alter their downward gaze. Our duty as upright walkers is not to...

A haiku over on Howard's page started me thinking. I'm not sure what makes me think, but generally reading something of his starts me on an internal dialogue that I sometimes take external. A brief exchange in his comments section lit the fuse. The haiku goes: thank you for the things none of us will ever need that draw us in like sheep (reprinted without permission) The object, of course, hinges on the annual Christmas shopping frenzy that retailers call Black Friday. I've written about it enough to qualify me as a nuisance, and one more essay isn't going to help anybody. During our comment/dialogue, (which you can read by clicking here ) Howard posed the question: I wonder how stunted our entire society would be if we suddenly had to do without cell phones or our online infrastructure for a few days, or a few hours? That brought to mind the great sacrifice (the word "sacrifice" was used in the press release) of several celebrities who are going withou...

Today's bucolic family scene comes courtesy of the local supermarket: A father with his two sons in tow - dad clueless, babbling on his cell phone - one hand on the cart the other hand holding the phone. Son number one (8 years old?) playing with his own cell phone while son number two (younger) admiringly watches, knowing his day with his own $100 a month play toy is coming. My question: Why does a grade-school kid need a cell phone - with a QWERTY keyboard no less? He probably can't even spell Qwerty. I'm sure it's mom and/or dad taking advantage of some "family plan" offered by the phone company, but really ... It's pretty much all I see anymore. Teenagers (and now, kids) and adults fiddling with phones in public. I wonder to whom they're talking. I see drivers leaving their driveways talking on the phone. Couldn't you have called them before you left ? We must have had this insatiable desire to talk on the phone that was unsatisfied before t...

As many of you know, it's a short walk from my home to the grocery store. Being so, I usually make 8 to 10 trips a week because I'm cheap and I shop on impulse. Today, on my way home, I spied a driver at the traffic light (yes, there's one of those) yakking on his cellular telephone. As many of you know, this I believe is a bane on our existence. As he turned the corner I shouted, "Get off the phone!" He stopped, which was odd because I figured he couldn't hear me over the din of his conversation. "What did you say?" he asked, in a tone which conferred that he knew exactly what I said. "Get off the phone," I replied, figuring that I'm just big enough to be mildly intimidating and still remembered that I'm carrying a 10-pound bag of cat litter which can also be used as a weapon. "What are you, the phone police?" he asked, begging the reply. "Yes I am. Now shut up and drive." To protect and serve.

Sublimate Pronunciation: \ˈsə-blə-ˌmāt\ Function: noun A chemical product obtained by sublimation . Sublimation of an element or compound is a transition from the solid to gas phase with no intermediate liquid stage . Radio jackass Don Imus is at it again. He made some off-color joke about Adam (don't call me "Pacman") Jones' color and now he's in for another ass-beating. What I don't get about the whole affair is why do we care what he says? We know he's a jackass, yet we treat his nonsense with the same respect we would treat a politician or religious figure making the same remarks. Your attention please: He's a radio guy. He has a program on the radio. They pay him to make stupid remarks, and when you call attention to his nonsense it only makes him say more stupid stuff. Which leads me to Anthony's Rule of Thumb #5: When you see a non-sports personality on the sports page of the newspaper or a sports personality on the front page, it's a...

I've gotten quite adept at yelling, "Get off the phone!" to drivers who appear undeterred by the fact that it's illegal in New Jersey to drive while using a cellular phone. The law that passed in February has been a miserable failure. Drivers know that there aren't enough police to police the law, so they have continued their behavior, and as it is with most laws, the people who are most affected are the ones who respected the idea to begin with. Such is life. I screamed it at a neighbor who was yakking while waiting at the intersection as I was coming back from a bike commute. She was a hundred feet from home, yet found it necessary to call someone while she was driving. She said something back, but due to the Doppler effect, her whiny tone was lost to science, and thankfully I have no idea what lame excuse she yelled out the window. Since gasoline is reaching 4 dollars a gallon in the area, there was an article in the Philadelphia Inquirer today telling us t...

MURRIETA, California - When the light starts to flash, you had better have the cash. That's the reality for millions of subprime borrowers whose used car purchase is contingent upon having an unusual option: a little box mounted underneath the dashboard that forces them to make their payments on time. A light on the plastic box flashes when a payment is due. If the payment isn't made and the resulting code punched in to reset the box, the vehicle won't start. The next step is a visit from the repo man . Finally, somebody is using their head. There are already devices to keep drunks from starting a car, now this. Next, let's build an insulated car that keeps cell phone signals out. It's beyond ridiculous now with the phones. Who are these people talking to? I see them leaving their driveways on the phone. Couldn't they make the call from the house? How did we ever survive without being able to chat while driving? My life was so empty 15 years ago. There are ant...

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - Officials in a rural valley in British Columbia hope that keeping out cellphones will help attract residents and tourists who want to escape to the quiet of nature. "The fact that we're without cellphone service means that we're able to enjoy life without the incessant sound of ringtones, immediately followed by someone's shouted conversation," Bill Roberts of the Slocan Valley Economic Development Commission said on Friday . It sounds like I may have found my eventual retirement community, and it sounds like Bill Roberts has his finger squarely on the pulse. I keep waiting for the backlash, but instead we embrace new technology and even go so far as to stand in line for hours so that we can buy things that eventually make our lives more costly and complicated. The ones I really don't understand are those damned Nextel Walkie-Talkies. If I hear one more of those chirps, I may not be responsible for my actions. Who was ...

"Bigger is better" says Nokia, who has developed a new Blackberry designed to keep people from using it while driving. A Nokia spokesman said that the added benefits include inability to get it into a movie theater, concert hall or library. They claim that consumers want to go "retro" with their phones and long for the days when the telephone was the noisiest appliance in the home. Now that the noise has spread to the outside, consumers couldn't be happier. Company research has determined that cell phone users do not mind sharing their personal conversations on buses, trains, automobiles or funeral homes, so the phone is perfect for them. Generally, the only place they do not talk on the cell phone is at home, so this new phone will make them feel like they're at home even when they're in yours. It is rumored, however, that Toyota is working on adding wheels and a small engine to the phone so that consumers will once again be able to talk on the phone wh...