Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

My teeth are clean. I just thought you might like to know. I had my six-month dental check-up (the official check-up-from-the-neck-up) and I was pronounced "Good for another six months." So, those of you who may be planning on doing something with me after June 13th ... I really can't commit to anything right now.

That really screws with the trip to Wakarusa I was planning this summer. One day at a time, I guess.
I made another appointment for June 27th, so I guess the joke is on them!

While I was in the dental chair, they allowed me to watch the TV. There was a minor earthquake just outside of Reading, PA; in Berks County. The local Action News reporter was there, on the scene. He chose to interview a guy who was in the area at the time.
REPORTER: So, you were here at the time of the earthqake?
GUY: Yes, I was working here from noon till now, today.
REPORTER: Did you feel the earthquake?
GUY: Nope. I didn't see or feel anything.

Breaking news, folks. Now, we're interviewing people who had no knowledge of the event and have no first-hand account to relay. Two minutes of prime local news time devoted to a guy who admittedly didn't see or hear anything. Nice job. Did you see it? Nope. Back to the studio.

Meanwhile...

In addition to (or perhaps in spite of) clean teeth, I also may be turning gay. Whatsthatyousay? Yes, gay. It seems my daily diet of soy milk and cereal is playing Hell with my testosterone level, and apparently, any day now, I will begin speaking with a lisp and develop an inate skill at home decorating. So, it may not be all bad, because my place could use some sprucing up.

This article says that those little beans are "tearing apart our culture", which flies in the face of all that "good for you" junk that scientists and health professionals say. The article goes on to say that if you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. It's obvious that this guy knows nothing about how developed I am. I've got news for you pal, I'm growing new shit every day, but I ain't saying where it is.

He also says that Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. Sexual confusion? Tell me what I can eat that will convince me that sex isn't confusing, and I'm all in. Apparently this guy hasn't tried buying a condom lately. Latex, sensitive, lubricated, polyethelyne, spermicidal ... I'm confused, and I'm not even using them. Really, I'm not.

Then, in a fit of intellectual peak, he says...Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?
Well, let me think...obesity in America...yeah, it must be the soy. It can't possibly be the billions and billions of cheeseburgers that McDonald's sells to kids every day, or the Super Size everything, or the thousands of gallons of sweetwater (a.k.a. Coke or Pepsi) that we consume every day. It must be the soy beans.

So, if you suddenly find that my posts are leaning toward what color sunglasses go best with my skin tone, or I start asking if my hips are too wide, or I suddenly become obsessed with moving to San Francisco ... post a comment and tell me to lay off the soy until my penis returns to its normal size and my estrogen level decreases. After all, I don't want to miss Wakarusa or that new Rocky movie.

Because they are just too precious!