My Sick Mind

I'm one of those wierdos that keeps score at baseball games. I write in a seemingly secret code things like CS2-6, F8 and I have learned to draw the letter K backward. When I cannot figure out what is going on (a frequent occurrence at Phillies games) I will note the initials ST in my scorebook, which stands for Stupid Thing . For instance, last week, Aaron Rowand got picked off of first base after the opposing pitcher faked a move to third, wheeled and threw to first. The oldest fake-out play in the book, and it almost never works. It's ST1-3 on my scorecard. Our present state of affairs with gasoline has me puzzled. Seemingly intelligent people are doing strange things, all in the name of gasoline. If you're scoring at home, score these as ST . STUPID THING #1: LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Some California drivers are resorting to desperate measures to beat the surge in gas prices at the pump - deliberately running dry on the state's freeways and simply waiting for rescue...

Item Number 1 Is Life on Earth Too Complicated? Read this and decide. Today, we look at two annoyances of modern life, one of which I have had to deal with recently and the other that is a gnawing pain in my side. First, the automobile gas cap. Innocuous, you say? Au contraire . After the gas jockey at Wawa – I was later to learn that they are officially known as gas jockeys – finished filling my tank with liquid gold, he spun the gas cap around so many times I thought I was under heavy machine gun fire, so I assumed the cap was on tightly. However, the next day, the dashboard light advised me to CHECK GAS CAP . Why, I wondered quietly to myself, would I have to check the gas cap? I know where it is. No sooner did the gas cap light come on, that the CHECK ENGINE light came on as well. The owner’s manual tells me that the Gas Cap light makes the Engine light come on, which will make my turn signals blink uncontrollably, which will fog my windows and finally, the car will stop running...

Let's say that you're a huge fan of that American Idol TV show. You like it so much that you know everything there is to know about the contestants, the songs they sing and their cute little personality quirks that make the show and its high drama such compelling television (so I hear). You love the show so much, that you are willing to call in and cast your vote for your favorite performer, hoping that your support will thrust them over the top and into a career of singing and acting rivaled only by the last American Idol winner. You go to work the next day and complain that your favorite performer was somehow voted off, and you cannot believe how the guy who advanced made it as far as he did. How, exactly do you know that your vote was counted? Who audits the seemingly thousands of calls coming in and reports the results to the throngs of viewers who would rather watch that show than eat? In short, why are you wasting your time? Don't you think that the producers of th...

F or some reason, my dentist has a television in his examining room. I think it is odd, but from what people tell me, it is becoming more common. I was there today to have a real tooth filed down so that a steel and porcelain one could be inserted in its place - and there, on the TV is Regis and Kelly (it's a show and people, so I'm not sure how to punctuate it). For most of my visit, they were yammering on about something or other (which Regis has perfected as an art form) and, after the procaine was beginning to kick in, up pops Jenny McCarthy. She wasn't there for her health, or mine. Rather, she was there to promote a new tome she allegedly penned called Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth (hardcover $18). I don't know exactly what the book is about because, for the duration of the interview, I had a live drill in my mouth. But, the thing I kept hearing over and over (apart from my muffled screams) was the word author . Regis kept repeati...

D o you want the benefits of water without giving up taste? Of course you do, and if you’re anything like me, (I pity the fool) you’ll want to try the latest fanciful beverage from Aquafina, (literally “the end of water”) called Flavor Splash. It is described as a Naturally Flavored Water Beverage. Right away, I have a problem with something called a water beverage, but I will set that aside for now, in lieu of another minor concern. Namely, what exactly is in this stuff? First, I wanted to see what the natural flavors were. The label says “Citrus Blend”, so I wanted to check to see which citrus fruits … oops … Contains 0% juice. OK. So, what are the natural flavors, I wondered quietly to myself? Check the CONTAINS part of the label – there they are, ingredient number 2 – “Natural Flavors”. Oh. So this stuff must be good for me, right? After all, I’m getting all the benefits of water. As far as Flavor Splash is concerned, those ‘benefits’ include Sodium Hexametaphosphate, Sodium C...

Here is some food for thought from the current issue of Mother Jones magazine: A djusted for inflation, the federal minimum wage has fallen 42% since its peak in 1968. I f the $5.15 hourly minimum wage had risen at the same rate as CEO compensation since 1990, it would now stand at $23.03. O nly the wealthiest 20% of Americans spend more on entertainment than on health care. I n 2005, there were 9 million American millionaires, an increase of 62% since 2002. T he $17,530 earned by the average Wal-Mart employee last year was $1,820 below the poverty line for a family of 4. 5 of America's 10 richest people are Wal-Mart heirs. P ublic companies spend 10% of their earnings compensating their top 5 executives. T he bidder who won a round of golf with Tiger Woods for $30,100 at a 2004 Buick charity auction could deduct all but $200 for taxes. P oor Americans spend one-quarter of their income on residential energy costs. F or performing in the Live8 concerts to "make poverty histor...

A fter over 26,000 page views, bidding has ended for the ridiculous Jay Leno "naturally died" Easter egg. Gratefully, there were no bidders. If there is any justice, glaeser2006 should be forced to eat the allegedly 8-year old egg on national television. That, I would pay to see. My faith in society, damaged yesterday, is restored.

News Item : A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor, went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday. One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said. At least two women, both in their 30s, let him into their homes and he fondled and sexually assaulted them, the investigators said. So, I guess the guy was 1 for 2 in the breast exam area? He only lost out on the second one after she "became suspicious" because he wasn't wearing rubber gloves? It seems as though he was pretty close to pulling that one off, too - so to speak. Am I missing something, or is there a big opportunity out there for door-to-door breast examinations? Would I answer the door and accept a woman into my home if she promised to give me a free testicular can...