The Latest from the World of Technology

"Bigger is better" says Nokia, who has developed a new Blackberry designed to keep people from using it while driving. A Nokia spokesman said that the added benefits include inability to get it into a movie theater, concert hall or library. They claim that consumers want to go "retro" with their phones and long for the days when the telephone was the noisiest appliance in the home. Now that the noise has spread to the outside, consumers couldn't be happier.

Company research has determined that cell phone users do not mind sharing their personal conversations on buses, trains, automobiles or funeral homes, so the phone is perfect for them. Generally, the only place they do not talk on the cell phone is at home, so this new phone will make them feel like they're at home even when they're in yours.
It is rumored, however, that Toyota is working on adding wheels and a small engine to the phone so that consumers will once again be able to talk on the phone while driving, which suddenly became necessary since the invention of the cell phone.

Among the ringtones offered is a full stereo version of AC/DC's "Back in Black" and the first four notes of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Nokia officials claim that the ring is audible over most small-engine aircraft at a distance of up to 2,000 feet. Now, the phones can be used on the beach, as the ringing will be louder than the crashing waves and screaming kids. Engineers are working on a screaming kids ringtone so that mom will feel burdened by her children even when they are not with her.

The screen is as bright as most ballpark scoreboards and can illuminate 20 yards of a football field. It features full LCD Hi-Def quality and resolution greater than most human eyes.
When used in vibrate mode in testing, it killed a small child and dislodged several automobile lug nuts in a nearby parking garage, which crumbled under the stress and fell into the hole created by the disrupted helicopter. Engineers are working to standardize the vibrate mode to be readable on most seismic meters.

Recently, the battery was used to power Courtney Love's vibrator for up to 2 hours. In a pinch, it can be used to jump-start a lawn mower or throw a shock into a cow that will temporarily paralyze.
The phone sells for $13,540. However, if consumers sign up for 2 years, it can be purchased for $29.95.

Headset not included.

In a related story, Motorola has developed the world's smallest big-screen television: