A Little Note to Dieters

WASHINGTON - The Federal Trade Commission said Thursday it was fining the marketers of four weight-loss drugs a collective $25 million for false advertising claims. Despite that, the pills - Xenadrine EFX, CortiSlim, One-A-Day WeightSmart and TrimSpa - will remain on store shelves.
"It is resolution time again, isn't it?" said FTC Chairman Deborah Platt Majoras. "We're implementing our resolution to fight back against companies that use deceptive advertising claims."

Anyone who has seen the film Jurassic Park will remember the scene where the dinosaurs first escape into the park, after Newman breaks down the computer system and shuts down the power. As the dinosaurs (not necessarily from the Jurassic Period) roam the park eating people and each other, Dr. Ian Malcolm, the mathemetician of the group, played by Jeff Goldblum, says quietly to himself, "I really hate being right all the time."

When I read the first paragraph of the news story I posted at the top, I said (quietly) to myself, "I really hate being right all the time." Well, not necessarily all the time, since that would take all the mystery out of life, but some things are just too obvious to be anything but rotten to the core; and this is a prime example.

"Testimonials from individuals are not a substitute for science," Majoras said. "And that's what Americans need to understand."

Gosh, you mean Anna Nicole Smith would lie to me? I'm mortified! If I can't trust a former Playboy model turned TV-star who married a rich old guy and fucked him for his money, who can I trust? She told me those pills would make my ass disappear. Turned out, all they did was make my money disappear. Damn you, woman!

Majoras said Xenadrine had a study showing that people who took a placebo lost more weight than those taking the pill. The FTC's investigation also found that consumer endorsers - people who appear in the before-and-after pictures in many ads - lost weight by engaging in rigorous diet and exercise programs.

Go figure. Rigorous diet and exercise makes you lost weight. Damn you, science! In case you don't know, I'm writing a weight loss book. I figure it should be simple, since people like simple. I'll charge ten bucks, and you can download it from my web site, when I get one. I'll give you a preview.

CHAPTER ONE

Eat less food.

CHAPTER TWO

Get some exercise.

THE END

So, I still have to add a nifty cover, and get some celebrity endorsements. I figure Oprah is good for a diet book endorsement, and I'm sure Kirstie Alley will chip in with a recommedation. Then, I'll add a reference section so you can find the handy passages that you'll need to accomplish your goals, so you don't have to flip through the whole book to find the important advice.

There's no easy road, folks. People who tell you otherwise are out to take your money, and apparently, they are successful at it. Pills. Move your ass and stop looking for the easy way out. That's my admonishment for today. And, in case you think I'm making it up, here's a little more words of wisdom:

Joan Salge Blake, a professor of nutrition at Boston University, said dieters should do what they've heard before -cut calories, eat healthier foods and exercise.
"If a pill sounds too good to be true, it probably is," she said.

Get some finger exercise and read the entire article here.