My Sick Mind

That's a 1935 National Chicle Beattie Feathers card. I don't know what a Chicle is, but I do know that if I had another $1,397.50 and I'll be able to screw one of those girls in Reno . Ya gotta love people with disposable income. Me, on the other hand ... Saturday was AIDS Awareness Day, the latest in a round of "Awareness Days" designed to make us aware. I think they waste a lot of good Awareness Days on stuff that we already know about. AIDS, cancer, heart disease ... If you're going to have these Awareness Days, it should be stuff that we aren't aware of, so that when the day rolled around, you would say, " Oh, it's tie your shoes awareness day." For all those kids who buy the $200 shoes and don't tie them. Or, "Your cell phone annoys people awareness day." I had no idea my cell phone annoyed people. Thank you for making me aware of that. I'll change my dorky Star Wars ringtone to something that sounds more like an...

Every now and then something in the newspaper strikes me as odd and I dash off a letter to the editor. I'm sure they enjoy hearing from me, a loyal reader and all. I've written to the sports page before, but they generally ignore me. I guess I don't have enough vitriol for the typical Philadelphia sports fan. They usually run stuff about how this guy "sucks" or that one should be deported. A tiny piece in Tuesday's paper got me to open up the e-mail. The 2008 baseball Hall of Fame ballot was announced, and there are no clear cut choices for the Hall. There are two first-timers on there, but neither of them I would deem worthy of induction. If the Hall and their voters do the right thing, they will elect no one, but the ceremony is hugely tied-into the local economy, ESPN and baseball itself that they will be forced to elect a player who has appeared on the ballot several times before and has not gotten the requisite number of votes. The likely victor will ...

I’m a little late catching up with this, but there is an interesting documentary airing on HBO now, called Cathouse , detailing life at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch , one of Nevada’s famous brothels. I was up until 2am on Saturday watching it because, much like a train wreck, you cannot look away. The original is 5 years old, but there is still a wealth of information for the curious (me) because it provides a fascinating insight into a side of life that is not discussed in polite company, which is why I will write about it here. There is a new batch of shows running now , and I highly recommend it. Besides all the sex , which goes without saying, I was interested in the financial aspect of it and how the customers arrive at their prices. As it turns out, an hour with one of these women will cost you in the neighborhood of $1,500 for the full experience. Some guys go for less. One girl talked about a guy who paid for 5 minutes. I guess the guy only had $125, which makes me figure that he...

There's Christina Aguilera , showing her pregnant belly and part of her pregnant nana's on the January 2008 cover of marie claire magazine, whatever that is. I know , it's been done. Most notably several years ago by Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair , but every time I see something like this I think about how much our attitudes have changed in the time I've been alive. In the 1960s , where I come from, married couples on television slept in separate beds for fear of scaring away their middle American audience who would see it as too risque for prime time TV. In 1971 Archie Bunker flushed a toilet on All in the Family , and the studio audience erupted in laughter, as though it was the most arrogant (and funny) thing anyone had ever done. Maybe it was. Lucille Ball couldn't say she was pregnant on I Love Lucy. Certain subjects were taboo and you couldn't say some words (even on the news), where we were shocked and awed every night by images of battle scene...

I wish I knew why my nose runs when I eat. Like a mental patient, I have to have a tissue with me at meals. If I’m at one of those fancy places (or a place that thinks they’re fancy) that has the cloth napkins, I’m very uncomfortable. I’m seeing no end to my Ebola business. Every time I think I’ve run out of things to sell, along comes something else. Recently, I uncovered my old Matchbox car collection. They would be worth more if I still had the box, but I think you’d have to be borderline psychotic to have kept the box. Ebola must be a haven for people who collect stuff like that. I put up a raggedy old football card from 1935 that someone gave me 15 years ago that I figured would maybe fetch 5 dollars. There are 4 days left in the auction and I’m almost embarrassed by what somebody is willing to pay for it. Dr. Robert Cade , the guy who invented Gatorade died yesterday of kidney failure. I find that ironic. Some of us are old enough to remember Stokely's Gatorade in that w...

It’s Xmas season in America, and that means that the Muzak will be blaring traditional Gentile holiday songs non-stop until New Year’s Day. The military could use it as a training device for troops who are trapped behind enemy lines and subjected to torture. If I can withstand 8 hours a day of Xmas Muzak for almost two months, I am probably qualified to serve in Afghanistan. One of them is the timeless epic, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” which contains the lyric hang up your stockings and say your prayers, ‘cause Santa Claus comes tonight , which artfully mixes organized religion and fantasy. To some, they are one and the same. Are the kids praying for lots of toys? You betcha. Is Jesus bringing them? Then , there is what I call “synthetic Xmas music.” You know, that Nouveau Riche junk like Manheim Steamroller, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and that Windham Hill jazz that you hear at The Sharper Image, public radio at 4am or on line at your local high-end coffee shop. The kind of song tha...

" Romance and Cigarettes is lewd and it's lurid and looks to be a lost pop opera, but it has more vitality than anything else out there." - Carrie Rickey, Philadelphia Inquirer I did something today that I haven't done in almost 3 years. I saw a movie in a theater. I don't go, mostly because I find it odd to sit in a theater alone and odder to have no one to talk to about the movie once it's over. Generally, the movies I like are the oddball ones that don't play in a lot of theaters, and chances are when I go to work tomorrow and tell people the name of the movie I saw, they'll look at me in a stranger fashion than usual. It's only playing at one cinema around here, but fortunately for me, I know where it is. It's called Ritz at the Bourse, even though it's really next door to The Bourse. But, The Ritz Next-door to the Bourse is probably too long a name for it. Romance and Cigarettes is one of those movies that I felt compelled to see. ...

As with so many things , I find the holiday season particularly fascinating, but (as with so many things) not in the ways in which you would imagine. Year after year it's the same thing. Hoards of shoppers, agony over what to buy for people, the struggle of how to pay for it all and the (seemingly) endless bombardment of advertising directed at us in an effort to make the season "happy", as though it all equated with happiness somehow. We think that all that junk we wheel out of the store, wrap in cheap paper and place under a dead indoor evergreen tree will translate into gratification and (eventually) happiness, when all it really does is make us want more junk that subsequent years will bring. While that stuff may bring happiness, it is fleeting and the financial measure is what really matters sometimes. The shallow among us compare what we spent versus what they spent and use that as a gauge for the level of love. The spirit of Christmas is measured by what is in...

Thanks, HBO . I had to search a little (or a lot), but there's something called HBO Comedy, way up there on channel 305 of my cable. That's where I found the Curb Your Enthusiasm marathon that started Thrusday night and ran until 8pm on Friday. Interrupted only by sleep and a trip to the gym, I had 24 hours of Curb episodes running constantly on the TV, which was nice since there was crap on otherwise. That's the kind of mundane nonsense that makes life bearable around here during the holidays - or the ersatz advertising-induced holiday that we call Black Friday. I resisted the urge to flip on the local news, but I'm sure if I did, I would have been treated to images of goofy shoppers being trampled at the local electronics store or the local department stores that were open long before I crawled out of bed and flipped on the TV. Even though I have the DVDs perched nicely on the shelves next to the TV, it's nice to have them running on TV while somebody else c...

Thanksgiving is as close to a National holiday as we get, unless you count the retailers, who seem to have no shame. After dinner and a game of Mexican Train Dominos with mom, we sat down for some TV. I had no idea that so many stores were either open today (K-Mart) or opening at midnight tonight (Value City). Of course, there are the usual early morning openings (Circuit City and Boscov's), but it seems that it's getting worse (more greedy) instead of better. Year after year , the retail industry whines and moans about how it's going to be a tough season. Either because Thanksgiving is "late" and Xmas is "early" (fewer shopping days) or because people have less money to spend because of high energy prices or the increasing costs of living. Blogger's Note: I choose to take the Christ out of Xmas by replacing it with the heathen "X". Friday , the local news will be jam packed with stories about the rush of shoppers at Best Buy, Circuit C...

As you no doubt remember , today was my Renoir Day at the Art Museum. I love art but I am not a student of it, so whenever I get the chance I take advantage of the guided tour. The one that our Art Museum puts on for its Renoir exhibition is particularly good, and if you are so inclined I highly recommend it. Other than our excellent guide , the best thing about the tour was that it took place an hour before the gallery opened to the public, so we had the place to ourselves for the better part of the hour, making for a peaceful roaming period. I won't bore you with the details of the exhibition (unless you insist) other than to say that it is a wonderful exhibition, even though one thing leaves me wondering. What is it? Glad you asked. As is always the case , the exhibition leads to the gift shop. Galleries and museums are built that way, and we expect it. The thing that bothers me is the choice of souvenirs. Artists spend a lifetime of sweat and toil, often in abject poverty - s...

“I dreamed about Ray Charles last night. He could see just fine.” - Joan Osborne, “Spider Web” I was in the Academy of Music in Philadelphia, getting ready to watch a show that featured (among others) Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney and his wife Linda. Before the show began, each of the principles emerged from a place in the audience, “excuse me"-ing their way across the aisles and onto the stage. Linda was groped by a couple of guys and she politely laughed it off, and seemed to enjoy it. The show began and they started to play some unrecognizable music. I could hear the music , but I couldn’t see very well because the people in front of me had giant heads that I couldn’t see around. At one point, a child decided to move and the man in front of me moved into the child’s seat. “Thank you,” I thought. Now I can hear and see. At one point in the show, a man emerged from a few rows in front of me playing some sort of giant guitar with an extremely long neck and a tiny body. Maybe...

If I was a member of the Writers Guild (currently on strike) I'd be perfectly comfortable right now. Richard Lewis used to open his shows by saying, "I have so much on my mind - and yet - I have nothing to say." I hear ya, brother. Right now , I have an internal battle being waged. It's between Dulcolax and Advil PM . Pick a winner. Better yet, don't . One will be determined. Before I nod off on the toilet, I'll let you in on a few things going on around here. I have a five-day weekend planned for this coming Thanksgiving week. I'll be off work Wednesday, roaming the streets of Philadelphia. First, I'll be hanging at the Art Museum at the Renoir Landscapes Exhibit . I signed up for the guided tour, which takes place at 9:30am, which means at 8am, I'll be on a New Jersey Transit bus headed for the museum. How I'll get from 12th and Market to the far end of the Parkway is as yet undetermined, but there could be a taxi ride in my future. We ...

I flipped on the TV today and found that ABC was showing the MLS (that's soccer) championship game in hi-definition, so naturally, I expected NBC to show the LPGA ADT Championship in a likewise fashion. But, no. Sadly, the hi-def package for which Comcast charges me extra for was not in use for the three hours of coverage of the last tournament of the ladies' season today. Soccer gets the hi-def treatment, I'm assuming, due to its huge popularity. Sure. I'll still get the bill, but I won't like it. I'm guessing that Lorena won't be able to get that giant check through the pneumatic tube at her local bank - but it will be fun trying. By the way , the New England ML Soccer team is called the Revolution , which to me, signifies that we have run out of names for sports teams. The announcers (yes, I had the game on long enough to pay attention to the announcers) were telling us that the fans (there are fans) of the Revolution were hoping that the recent good fo...

I was making my usual Sunday run to the big Post Office with my bag of Ebola items, and I walked in just ahead of a woman who needed to use the small stamp machine to buy a stamp to mail a letter. She began griping because the machine had a sign hanging on it, saying "Out of Order", which I happen to know has been hanging there for a number of days. Frustrated , she began to walk out when I summoned her over to my fancy box-weighing machine, saying, "I can get a stamp for you." As it turned out , I had to buy a book. I pulled a stamp out for her and she offered to give me the dollar that she was going to use in the smaller machine. "No, I don't want your dollar. Take the stamp. It will be my good deed for today," I told her, and I gave her the stamp. "Thank you. This will keep me from being evicted for another month," she said as she put the stamp on the envelope and dropped it in the box. "You have a good day." "You too,...

The two liter bottle of soda has been accepted by consumers, even though it's clear that Americans hate the metric system. They've been around for a while, and I wonder how many of us could tell you how many 8-ounce cans equals 2 liters (or is it litre?), so maybe they've been ripping us off all this time? As far as marketing is concerned, the metric system is a half-assed commitment. Vehicle engines and soda. Worldwide consumer products companies like Pepsi, Coca Cola and the auto manufacturers embraced it pretty early, and they probably save a lot of money by not having to translate their volume measurements for us lazy Americans. For me, a two liter bottle is enough soda that I'll drink about 120 milliliters and have the rest go flat. That's economical, but then, I'm the weirdo that likes those little 6-ounce pony beer bottles, so you never know. You should have seen me at the Staples tonight, trying to decide whether $3.49 for a 20 meter roll of strapping ...

NAPLES, Florida (AP) - Baseball revenue climbed to $6.075 billion this year, and commissioner Bud Selig envisions an even rosier financial future. "As I told the clubs today, we're on a great high here," Selig said Thursday . Oh, sure you're on a real high, you dumb jackass. The same day that Major League Baseball was announcing their great windfall, Barry Bonds was being indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice. That's a real high. "Pacman" Jones, Bonds, a couple of Penn State football players charged on assault , Marion Jones, Michael Vick, Ricky Williams is in again/out again ... and you wonder why I find the LPGA so appealing. Or maybe you don't? Today , in West Palm Beach, Florida the girls were playing the first round of the ADT Championship where the winners over the season gather to play for 2 million dollars. If it was up to me, I'd give them ten times that much, but we're enamored with juiced-up frauds who lie to Feder...

One of the big news stories around here is a sports gambling bust in a large Atlantic City Casino . For those of you unaware, Atlantic City does not officially have sports gambling, although it appears, if you are sharp enough, that if you want to - you can. There was a complicated chip laundering scheme taking place, which frankly bores me. What I am more concerned with is this: The suspected ringleader of the operation, Andrew Micali, 32, of Ventnor, is an associate of Philadelphia mob boss Joseph "Skinny Joey" Merlino, according to a New Jersey law enforcement official who spoke on condition of anonymity. Vincent Procopio, 41, of Brigantine, was charged with promoting gambling. Anthony Nicodemo, 36, and Michael Lancellotti, both of Philadelphia, were charged with conspiracy to promote gambling . Notice anything? Sure you do. The names of the accused all end in vowels, and if this was a made-for-TV drama, several Italian/American SpokesGuidos would have something to say ...

If I was ever going to get out of my car and beat somebody senseless, today would have been the day. That I didn’t probably means that it will never happen. Today was one of those foggy mornings where, if you didn’t have your headlights on, you were practically on top of someone before they saw you coming. Needless to say, there were plenty of drivers without their headlights on – some of them in expensive cars that should be equipped with some sort of automatic device, and others in SUV’s which (we are told) are safer than the regular sized cars that the rest of us drive. Can they really be safer if we can’t see them? One particular dolt came careening down from the on-ramp and settled in about ten feet from my front bumper. Upon closer inspection, I could see that she was looking down and up repeatedly. As I moved around, I could see that she was fiddling with her cell phone, presumably calling some friend to tell them how incredibly foggy it was and how the headlights of the guy beh...

Over at Ohioan Kimmyk's joint , she posted a list of 7 things she's thankful for and tagged me to do the same. We're leaving out all the obvious ones - home, family, cat and opposable thumbs - and turning to the things that we choose to bring into our lives and make those mundane days go by a little easier. Life's laxative, so to speak. Enough of that . Here's the list: (1) Talk radio. It's kind of quiet around here most days - OK, every day - so at times a little background noise is necessary. I've been hooked on talk radio since the late 70s and have wandered around from current events to all-sports. There aren't nearly as many of them as there are hip-hop music stations, so I've learned to appreciate the medium. I think I'd go nuts if I had to listen to music when I turned on the radio. Besides, most commercial music radio is crap. (2) Wawa . Some of my readers don't know what I'm talking about, so I'll explain. Wawa is a loc...