My Sick Mind

So, there I am, foolishly watching ESPN2's coverage of the SemGroup Championship , scheduled to run from 3pm to 5pm. It's getting close to 5pm and the leaders are still on the 14th hole. "There's no way they are going to play 4 holes in 8 minutes", I say to myself. Sure enough, it ain't happening. The coverage was scheduled to go until 5, and at precisely 5:00:00 pm, they left Oklahoma for their next program. "Well, it must be something pretty important", I think to myself. At this point, I have stopped talking to myself and started thinking to myself. Surely, it must have something to do with the Kentucky Derby or some landmark sporting event - right? Wrong. They were stopping their coverage of an LPGA tour event with the leaders having 4 holes left to play to show us ... wait for it ... The O'Reilly NHRA Midwest Nationals Qualifying. Drag racing. Qualifying. Not even a real race, which would have been bad enough. They were only qualifying to...

Another 161 page hits today over this Alycia Lane nonsense. Almost all of them from the spelling impaired who are using the vowel-rich version of her name. Almost 500 page hits, and two stinking comments. I suppose, when they don't see the bikini photos, they don't bother reading. C'mon fellas, let's move on. Paris Hilton is finally going to jail , so you can start Google searching conjucal visit sex to see where that lands you. Here, probably. Meanwhile , the girls are playing golf in Oklahoma, of all places, at something called The SemGroup Championship . ESPN2 televised part of it today, from 3 to 5pm. Can you spare a square? I set the recorder for two hours, knowing full well that I would merely be teased by the coverage, and sure enough, I got to watch 4 holes of play. Would ESPN televise 5 innings of a baseball game? No. So, why do they bother with 2 hours of a round of golf? Granted, I'm grateful that they bother at all, but they had to stop the show while ...

Over the past two days, since posting the Alycia Lane story , this little portal has received 284 unique page hits from people seeking info on Ms. Lane. Even though most of them do not know the correct spelling of her first name, which is why I included "Alicia" in the labels - for the spelling impaired. I mention it here (again) for the expressed purpose of encouraging more page hits and imagining the frustration of demented Google searchers who fail to find the elusive photos, or this Alicia Lane who appears to be above reproach. Alicia Lane is also a street in Florida, a poet with three names, a Principia College soccer player , an actress , a model for FHM and little Lane Alicia who turns one year old on June 16, 2007. Happy Birthday kid. Stay away from your mother's cell phone. Seemingly, those curious souls were searching for the elusive bikini photos that she mistakenly sent to her old buddy in an effort to drum up ratings for May Sweeps. If you think there i...

If you came of age in the 70s, like me, the raging debate over which type of woman a man preferred had gone far beyond the traditional old Ginger or Mary Ann discussion. I was way too young to be interested in either one of them, although as an adult my preference came down well on the Mary Ann side in reruns. Young adults of the 1970s had their own TV characters to fawn over, and mine was on a little show that debuted in September of 1978 called WKRP in Cincinnati . I know most of you may be thinking that I'm about to launch into some flowery tribute of Loni Anderson, who played the blonde receptionist Jennifer Marlowe, but no . My flowery tribute is going out to the hot little station billing and traffic girl, Bailey Quarters , played by Jan Smithers . I always figured that it was way too easy to fall for the obvious choices in such instances. Bailey was shy, quiet and a more interesting person than Jennifer, who only seemed interested in keeping her hair lacquered and tormenting...

NOTE TO GOOGLE SEARCHERS: You are wasting your time with all those Cecily Tynan searches that only lead you down blind alleys and, of all places, here. There is someone far more interesting that you should be searching, and the story is so big around here that it wound up on the front page of the Inquirer today : CBS3 anchor Alycia Lane says she is "mortified" over a gossip item in yesterday's New York Post that she had sent private e-mails and suggestive "bikini" photos to NFL Network anchor Rich Eisen , which were intercepted by his wife. The story, which Lane said was not what it appeared, quickly became the talk of a celebrity-starved town and even mushroomed into national fodder as scandal-sniffing bloggers inveighed against Lane . In an exclusive interview yesterday with The Inquirer, Lane insisted she was not a home-wrecker. The photos were simply part of "harmless" banter between "two old friends," and not an attempt to...

I am thinking about opening a driving school. Not a real driving school, where instructors take kids out for their first motor vehicle experience, tooling around town and whatnot. This one is for adults and people who have been driving for a while, and the scope is extremely limited. We are not going to bother with parallel parking or any of that other useless nonsense that they put on the driving exam. This school will concentrate on something that isn’t on any driver’s test, but should be on every driver’s test. I’m calling it the SCHOOL OF HIGHWAY MERGING . The entire curriculum consists of merging onto highways and off of them, accelerating and decelerating. We get on the road, we get off the road – over and over until I either stop squirming and pressing my imaginary gas pedal or the person driving can get on and off the highway without other drivers having to change lanes and scream obscenities. Either one of those things earns a passing grade. Attendance will be mandatory for al...

Consumers claim they dislike the taste of aspartame and Splenda , but research by two University of Illinois food scientists shows that swillers of diet and regular soda are also influenced by a subtle factor called mouth-feel. Wow. Mouth-feel. That's why I got divorced. And, what's up with " food scientists "? Is that like a really fat guy who can tell you which pizza place has the best cheese? Or are they real scientists who have certificates like those TV meteorologists ? Where are the sex scientists, and are there any openings? SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. - America might not need yet another exercise machine. Treadmills, weights and resistance equipment already jam the health clubs. Yet Gravity machines have found a niche at the YMCA in this resort town. Jesus, Mary and Joseph - Gravity machines. I thought that's what weights were. Where are the food scientists when I need them? The machines are essentially a health club version of the company's less expen...

Sheryl Crow writes on her tour blog: "I propose a limitation to be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are industrious enough people to make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required." OK, Sheryl. One square? I propose you just use your hand and leave out the paper altogether. As for those "pesky situations", can you be more specific? I don't know what kind of food you're eating, but if you can wipe up with only one square, you're doing one Hell of a job. Go ahead and use your "square", if it makes you happy. And remind me, if I ever meet you, not to shake your hand.

OAKLAND, California - A gasoline tanker crashed and burst into flames near the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge on Sunday, creating such intense heat that a stretch of highway melted and collapsed. Officials predicted a traffic nightmare for Bay Area commuters for weeks or months to come.

I have been busy on Ebay. Selling, not buying. I am gradually divesting myself of all the accumulated crap I have around here that has no function in my life. Eventually, I will be left with several appliances, my computer and my cat. Speaking of which, I received word that my aunt's family had to have their 15-year old cat put down this weekend. My guy is 16, and I have long ago begun the process of cherishing every day with him. I hope he is doing the same. Saturday night I decided to take in a Phillies game. When I go alone, I can usually get a pretty good seat, since there are generally oddballs left in the middle of rows that they can't sell. I got one in the first row at field level down the first base line. It sounded like a great spot, but it's a little too close. Kind of like being at one of those go-go joints where the dancers have B.O. You're happy to see her, but she could back it up a little. The annual nonsense known as the NFL draft went on this weekend. ...

Blogger buddy Sparky Duck, over at Philly Transplant ran this interview meme post a few days ago. It sounded like fun, so I asked him to send me 5 questions. As it is, I’m a little burned out over that American Idol rant on Friday. Those things take a lot out of me, so this was a welcome change of pace. It won’t get nearly the number of page hits I got with the AI material, but it’s a lot more user-friendly, and probably more reader-friendly, too. So, here we go. Five questions and five answers. 1. The President comes to you and offers you any job within his administration, besides his. You feel a certain sense of duty to your country, so you accept. What job do you take and why? I would want a job where I could do some good and have an impact, which immediately leaves out Press Secretary and most of those patronage jobs. Vice President is an interesting title, since there is considerable upside when it comes to future employment, but I don't think it carries enough weight to ...

Most of my regular readers know the contempt with which I hold American Idol and its participants. If you don't, you can do a simple "blog search" and find out. Take all the time you need. Earlier this week, they did something that they called Idol Gives Back , which conjures up several jokes which you can make up on your own, or if you'd like, you can e-mail me and I will send to you. Either way, it was a sham of a fraud, which follows in line with the rest of the show. LOS ANGELES - An American Idol charity special filled with wrenching pictures of impoverished children and celebrity appeals raised more than $600 million, Fox said Thursday A total of $5 million was pledged by Fox parent company News Corp., which gave 10 cents for each of the first 50 million votes received for contestants on Tuesday's show. More than 70 million votes were cast, a record for the show, Fox said. Oh, Fox, you generous bastards. Or not. What about the money from the other 20 mi...

LONDON (Reuters) - A large English cheddar cheese has become a star of the Internet, attracting more than 1 million viewers to sit and stare at it as it slowly ripens. Click here to make it 1 million and one. Go ahead. You know you want to.

Back in the 60s (where I come from), music magazines and radio stations created competitions between bands. The Beatles vs. The Four Seasons [I never figured that one out], Black Sabbath vs. Deep Purple, ELP vs. Yes and The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones. You were either in one camp or the other. For someone as competitive and opinionated as I, those were sometimes life-altering choices. My mistake as a youngster was allowing the media (radio and magazines) to make me choose. Perhaps that is why I rebel against media now? As I look back on those issues, I found that I would have loved Deep Purple, but I was a Black Sabbath guy, and Deep Purple was the enemy. Luckily, I was early on The Beatles' bandwagon, so The Four Seasons never stood a chance. Thank you, media. Do I sound hypocritical? I found ELP and Yes around the same time, too. I remember seeing a Circus magazine article that proclaimed "Keith Emerson's Favorite Cup of Blood - Genesis". So, being a huge ELP f...

Roger Daltrey sings. Pete Townsend plays the guitar. The other two died. .

WASHINGTON - The brother of Army Ranger Pat Tillman accused the Pentagon and the Bush administration yesterday of deliberately concealing the circumstances of the former football star's friendly-fire death in Afghanistan in an effort to avoid embarrassment. OK. In some ways, this qualifies as a front-page story, which it was today. In other ways, it does not. First, it’s human nature to lie to avoid embarrassment. Second, look who we’re talking about here. These people would lie about a mixed-up lunch order if it made them look good. It makes me wonder how many other times something like this has happened to soldiers who do not have the high-profile exposure of a former NFL player. I’m guessing “lots”. If you think that every family of every soldier who is killed over there gets the straight story from our government, you’ve got another think coming.

Occasionally, I like to offer up a little perspective on life. Actually, I try to do it every day. Sometimes though, the angle is so direct that it is impossible to miss. This story was buried in today’s Inquirer for a good reason. It is obscure, and only affects a few people, yet the perspective it offers is outstanding. Here is the story: NEWARK, N.J. - The State Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the Garden State Parkway must reinstate a toll taker who was fired after shooting paintballs at a van during a road rage incident on the highway. An arbitrator had ruled that Jason Glassey should be reinstated after an 11-month unpaid suspension, but the highway operator had persuaded an appellate court to uphold the firing. I only include the story so you will know some background. It isn’t all that important to know that a toll taker was involved in a road rage incident and was fired. What is important is what was included way down in the 9th paragraph of the story: Glassy was working at...

KABUL, Afghanistan - An Army Sargent complained in a rare opinion article that the U.S. flag flew at half-staff last week at the largest U.S. base in Afghanistan for those killed at Virginia Tech, but the same honor is not given to fallen U.S. troops here and in Iraq. "I find it ironic that the flags were flown at half-staff for the young men and women who were killed at VT, yet it is never lowered for the death of a U.S. service member," Sgt. Jim Wilt wrote. That answer is pretty simple, really. Sad, but simple. I think Sgt. Wilt knows the answer, he just wants the government to acknowledge it. Nice try, Jim. The government - your government - would rather not acknowledge the war dead because ... well ... they are war dead. When some nut-job shoots up a school, those kinds of things are known as "tragedies" or a "massacre". War, on the other hand, is a military (Government) operation, where the dead are sent by the government on a volunteer basis (for no...

I saw a little of Rich Little at the White House Correspondents Dinner on Saturday night on the CSpan. I say "a little" not to be coy, but because impressionists creep me out. They seem so excited about being able to "do" someones voice, then they go about making up junk that the person is supposed to say. Little was "doing" Andy Rooney [one of my writing heroes] and he starts by telling us that he will "do" Andy, [creepy] and then goes into the "Ever notice" junk and telling jokes like "I wonder, if you wanted to grow seedless watermelon, what would you plant?" The president laughed, because he didn't know either. So that Sangina guy is off American Idol ? I saw some clips of him on another show and it sounds like he was lucky to get as far as he did. I suppose there's a record deal coming. Meanwhile, the show is advertising something they are calling American Idol Gives Back. Great. They have made about 18 trill...

"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small." - Neil Armstrong The blog is green for Earth Day , which is either today, tomorrow or yesterday depending on when you are reading. That's about all I'm doing, since I don't have any lamps in the place where I can put in those squiggly bulbs. I'm already running low-flow shower heads and my car is a PZEV (Partial Zero-Emissions Vehicle), so I think I'm maxed out. There's a meteor shower on Sunday night. The Lyrid one. 18 per hour, they say. I'm not all that worked-up, unless one of them slips through and hits my car. I know I shouldn't torture myself, but I was tuned into Fox News today, and they had some sort of round-table discussion of the media's coverage of the Virginia Tech shootings, and whether or not the TV news got a li...