The Urge to Merge

I am thinking about opening a driving school.
Not a real driving school, where instructors take kids out for their first motor vehicle experience, tooling around town and whatnot. This one is for adults and people who have been driving for a while, and the scope is extremely limited. We are not going to bother with parallel parking or any of that other useless nonsense that they put on the driving exam. This school will concentrate on something that isn’t on any driver’s test, but should be on every driver’s test.

I’m calling it the SCHOOL OF HIGHWAY MERGING.

The entire curriculum consists of merging onto highways and off of them, accelerating and decelerating. We get on the road, we get off the road – over and over until I either stop squirming and pressing my imaginary gas pedal or the person driving can get on and off the highway without other drivers having to change lanes and scream obscenities. Either one of those things earns a passing grade.
Attendance will be mandatory for all drivers, regardless of age. It could take an hour or we could be at it all day, but you won’t be permitted to get out of the car until you can demonstrate the ability to get on and off of high-speed highway traffic effectively.

HERE ARE SOME SIMPLE GUIDELINES:

1 - Turn signals are unnecessary when entering a highway. We all know you are going left; you don’t have to signal it. Transfer that energy to something more productive, such as the foot that works your gas pedal.
2 - Work the car into the flow of traffic as quickly as possible. This does not mean that you ease up the ramp at 30mph and cruise into the shoulder at the same speed while traffic whizzes past. Get the car up to speed on the approach and move into the lane.

USEFUL TERM: It is called an “acceleration lane” because that is the lane in which you accelerate. You do not use the roadway for acceleration. You should be at or near highway speed by the time you are on the highway, that’s why it is called highway speed.

3 - Do not make other vehicles change lanes or hit their brakes. Brakes are for slowing, and the chain reaction that occurs when one car brakes is potentially hazardous to those behind them. Find a space and get in. If you are scared, buy a dog. If you are really scared, use public transportation.
4 - You will use your turn signal when exiting the highway. Drivers behind you cannot know your intentions if you do not tell us.
5 - The turn signal will be used prior to slowing, not during. Turn signals are of no use if you are already at your chosen destination. This rule applies to circumstances beyond the highway merge, and is provided at no additional cost to your school tuition.
6 - When exiting the highway, move as quickly as possible into the shoulder and prepare to get on the exit ramp. This does not mean that two wheels remain in the lane or that you slow down on the highway and make those behind you hit their brakes. Remember, brakes are for later. Highway engineers spend millions of dollars designing shoulders for just such a purpose. Don’t make them waste their money.

USEFUL TERM 2: It is called a “deceleration lane” because that is the lane in which you decelerate. Do not use the highway for deceleration. That is why we call it a highway. Words mean something.

Students will be made to merge and exit as many times as it take for them to be comfortable in the process. Perfect practice makes perfect, and the more you do it, the better at it you will become.
Those who pass will be permitted to continue to drive. Those who fail will be given a bus pass.

We will start in New Jersey. Other states will be added as demand requires.
Any nominations?

.